DP is very ‘hands on‘ in public and I feel embarrassed

[RachSmit]

My partner is a touchy feely person - I liked this at first as it was affectionate and not over the top. Over time though, this has become more public and I feel like it’s gone too far. I’d mentioned this and he stopped but it has creeped in again and I fear that’s just who he is.

It has developed to things like groping/pinching my bum in a queue despite people being near by, and coming up behind me if I was bent over to pick something up to pretend to hump me.

Yesterday we were walking back to the car after a shop and he slapped it loudly enough for a couple of people near by to turn around. I told him in the car on the way back that it was embarrassing they looked and he said they were just jealous they can’t do it themselves.

I really don’t want to hurt his feelings and surpress who he is but I don’t think I can put up with it for much longer. Do you agree it’s over the top now? Has anyone else had a partner like this and any tips to dealing with it?

Don't tell him "no" Op, tell him "goodbye"!

You don't want to hurt his feelings?

He's a fucking grown man being asked not to grope/dry hump you when you have repeatedly asked him not to.

He doesn't give a shit about your feelings does he?

I’ll definitely bring it up again. I don’t know how he’ll take it, he was a bit taken a back last time. He said on one occasion that in the skirt I had on, no man would be able to keep their hands off me and if I said not to, I’d be a ‘cock tease’!

Honestly though, in terms of our general relationship there are no red flags - he is supportive and caring and makes me happy. This is becoming a deal breaker though.

So it's your fault if you're raped then too? Nice.

in the skirt I had on, no man would be able to keep their hands off me and if I said not to, I’d be a ‘cock tease’!

JFC it gets worse!

Honestly though, in terms of our general relationship there are no red flags

Apart from this massive one!

He sounds like he sees women as existing purely for men’s pleasure and as one homogenous group. Who cares if he and his ex were exhibitionists. You’re not her

Your feelings are important here and a man who cared about them would adjust his behaviour. There’s a clear middle ground here where he holds your hand, hugs you and gives you kisses in public. Why won’t he take that middle ground?

Every single thing you’ve written is a red flag. What do you think a red flag is?!

I retract my previous comment. Don’t even have the conversation. Dump this disgusting misogynist. And then perhaps look into counselling for yourself? As you don’t appear to see how unacceptable this all is.

Sorry, I should have been clearer - I know that behaviour in terms of the public stuff is a red flag, I meant no issues with the rest of the relationship.

There are no red flags other than the giant red flag of him having no respect for women or your bodily autonomy?

But this is a huge issue... and your latest comment has me worried for you.

If he doesn't respect your boundaries in public how can you be sure he will do so in private?

Because he is absolutely fine in private, respectful, and sorry if TMI but always wants to make sure I am pleasured and isn’t selfish.

‘Don’t want to hurt his feelings’?! What am I reading? He’s sexually assaulting you in public and you want to not hurt his feelings? Ffs, get your head out your arse! He is incredibly disrespectful of you. How else does he abuse you?

This update is a massive red flag. Massive.

I don’t know how he’ll take it, he was a bit taken a back last time. He said on one occasion that in the skirt I had on, no man would be able to keep their hands off me and if I said not to, I’d be a ‘cock tease’!

Red flags:

• His behaviour in public.
• The fact that he didn’t listen to you the first time you brought it up.
• The fact that you’re ’not sure how he’ll take it’.
• The rapey language used above. ‘If you say not to, you’re a cock tease’? What the actual fuck? And you didn’t dump him immediately?

Please tell us how him being supportive and caring manifests.

But likes to metaphorically piss on you to mark his territory in public? Is he a teenager?

Ugh. It’s always a woman that cares about ‘not hurting his feelings’ despite the fact that he’s a misogynistic oaf with the sensitivity and empathy of a brick. 🙄

Stop worrying about his precious sensibilities and tell him to grow the fuck up. Real and decent men don’t behave or talk like that, so you might want to reflect on your own choices in this too.

His weird 'excuses' are him telling you he will persist despite you hating it. I see this as a form of possessive assault.

Kick him in the nuts next time or at least threaten to. It makes me feel claustrophobic and a bit trapped just reading about this.

There's an air of " possession" about this and objectifying you in public.
Absolutely fuck off .
Husbands can be creepy you know, marriage doesn't absolve creepiness?

This is a huge problem!

He thinks that because of what you’re wearing you deserve to be treated a certain way by men. That is awful and also dangerous for you. What if you want to wear a short skirt because it’s a hot day and then he feels like you owe him something?

I really think I wouldn’t be able to get past this.

Also, you said he stopped for a while after you said and now it’s ‘creeping back in’ that means he doesn’t respect your boundaries. You made something clear, he changed his behaviour and then went straight back to how he wanted to treat you. He doesn’t respect you.

When he does it squeeze his man tits and loudly exclaim “can I get a go on those love”?

I honestly think people like this only respond if you really make it blatantly obvious how embarrassing, humiliating, immature and degrading this is by getting what they give out.

Noooo!! I want to tell him to F off on your behalf!! This is so disrespectful and objectifying. You are not suppressing who he is by saying “no”, you are putting a really important body boundary in place. “This is my body and I do not want you to do x, y and z in public. This is something I will not tolerate.” Hold your boundary and see how he responds. If he continues to do it, that will speak volumes. If he minimises your wishes, that speaks volumes. If he gets upset (whilst dismissing your upset) that will speak volumes.
And I write this as someone who loves public (consensual and appropriate) displays of affection.

Yuck - he sound like a right creep, and I can assure you not one person in their right mind would be jealous. What a pig of a man!

You know this quite frankly sounds rapey right? It’s very much rape culture talk.

“Cock tease” & “no man could resist”.

I don’t think I could stay with a man who used the phrase cock tease seriously. How fucking gross.

OP, I'm in a similar situation. Although slightly different in how it plays out. My DH can be sexually inappropriate in front of the kids sometimes, think a little grind on my bum, or a sexual joke with my 15 year old son. We had our DS gf around yesterday and DH said something sexual and when I reacted, gf noted her mum is worse! So maybe it's me? My Dh struggles with being in social situations especially with people and he will start to touch me, like little squeezes here and there and I feel ‘clawed at’. I remember inviting him to a work do and as I was talking with colleagues he started to adjust my necklace - it just felt weird. He will often just stare at me, adoringly, and I just find it strange… is it me? I don't know whether to say anything because I don't want to hurt him. However, I did make it clear the sexual suggestions around the kids has to stop and in fairness it has stopped.

@RachSmiti would have to say something about the bum slap, for it to be heard had to have hurt? For me when I've talked to my DH, I've explained how my mum hat is on, and so any type of sexual touch just feels wrong - time and place and all that.

You’re telling him you don’t like it and he’s ignoring you. You need to be firm that this could be a deal breaker for you.