Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

You're not unreasonable to be hurt by the unequal treatment but it sounds like you have already tried to discuss this with your mother and got nowhere.

Your mother is doing your sister a disservice by encouraging her to not work and remain dependent on someone else to provide a roof over her head. Even if she eventually gets your mother's house mortgage free, she will need to have some sort of income coming in. What will she do for food, bills, her retirement? She may be ineligible for benefits as a homeowner.

At some point she will either need to get a job or find a partner willing to provide for her the way your mother has done. This means she will be financially dependent on another adult, making her vulnerable to abuse, and if she marries and then divorces, her spouse may well end up being entitled to half the house anyway.

Either way, if there comes a point at which your mother needs care and refuses to go into a home, you are more than within your rights to say, "Sorry, I cannot help, I have a job and I need to work to pay my mortgage. DSis can help you. She lives in your house for free and doesn't have a job, which means she is ideally placed to be your carer. If you need more care than she can provide, you will have to pay for it, and if you can't afford to pay for it from your income, you will have to downsize and use the proceeds of sale from the house to pay for it."

People who think this is all about cash are missing the point by a mile. Its not about the cash; by the time OP's mother dies there may not be any cash. She might have spent it all on bingo and wild parties.
Its about the unfairness, being told by a parent that you don't matter to them. Especially while they go on making demands of you.

No it isn’t, it’s spot on. If she has to go into care the LA will investigate the circumstances of OP’s mum signing over the house, and since she is 66 and from what OP has said, not in good health, they will likely take the view that it’s deprivation of assets to avoid care fees. The law says that deprivation of assets applies where an asset has been disposed of at a time when there is a reasonable expectation of needing future care. Her mum would then be assessed as though she still she still owned the property and wouldn’t qualify for any assistance with fees.

Having seen first hand the ruthlessness with which the LA applies this rule l can tell you you that they can investigate as far back as they like and will leave no stone unturned if they suspect someone has tried to avoid the fees.

In most cases, it's not the cash, but the unequal and unfair treatment. One child is favoured, financially and emotionally and the other is used as a dogsbody to facilitate their lives. Most people would be upset and would pull back from the relationships.

I actually now think this new information makes it fair to your half sister and can see why your mum would want her to have half the house if it was your sisters father who helped pay off the mortgage, if I have that correct.

This happens in families. On the other side of my family, four brothers - three with good careers and the youngest living at home and working in the small family shop. Their mother asked the older three to sign over their right to the property and business so that the youngest would inherit everything because his prospects weren’t so good. They did it, even though they had studied and worked hard to get to where they were in their lives. It does seem unfair but that’s life.

Yes I get your frustration and that you feel - justifiably - that it’s “unfair”.

But- see it from your mum’s point of view.

Your sister is failing at life whereas you and your other sibling are doing well- you have a job, a relationship, a mortgage, you are clearly succeeding.

Your mum is clearly worried about your sister. She will be painfully aware that your sister is a dud, her life is a shitshow, she doesn’t work, she doesn’t have her own family. Shes “failing to thrive”. Your mum is worried what will happen to her upon your mum’s death if she’s forced to leave. Your mum has no doubt run through all the scenarios in her head and sees your sister homeless. At least if she leaves her the house, your sister will have somewhere to live. You and your other sibling don’t need the house. You have one.

I think when you have your own children, you will understand better what I am trying to say.

You are free of course to kick off and cut your mum out of your life. After all, why should you do anything for her if you’re not getting money out of it? I don’t know if that makes you a good person. Do we do things for family out of love or out of expectation of remuneration or inheritance?

In your shoes I would be royally pissed off too. We all like money of course. But try and understand why your mum has done this.

You are not obliged to offer care full stop, regardless of inheritance.

Your mother is clearly making a terrible mistake, as it’s likely your youngest sister will become very lonely and miserable with or without a house once her main companion, your mother, has died. It is now unlikely she will be able to rely on any family support now due to this poor decision around inheritance. So your mother is being short sighted and extremely selfish.

This is not your problem any longer. It’s much better to know now, so you can adjust your efforts accordingly, and your expectations.

Those that are suggesting you disregard the injustice and the pain of feeling less than, to continue to serve your mother anyway have not considered the terrible toll it would take on your well being, your self esteem and the resentment that is likely to set in. It is the resentment that will cause the biggest issues, and will surface very quickly.

Step back now, your sister needs all the practice she can get, no more lifts - they can take taxis. No more DIY. Your sister can watch you tube and learn the way you did. I would pretty much step back into Christmas card territory and be very honest why. You find your mother’s decision painful and hurtful, and to avoid feeling used and hurt, you are going to be around a lot less. And mean it.

Treating children differently is really unforgivable, it’s not about the money - it represents how much you meant to her. It breeds intense division and harms the family as a whole.

Unconditional love seems to be lacking. I'd have done anything for my mum as she would have for me. Money is the root of all evil.

OP has already confirmed that the house was her mum's financed by her divorce settlement from OP's dad and that her sister's dad didn't contribute. Her mum had paid off the mortage before her sister was even born.

Your mum is entitled to leave her assets to whoever she wants. You're entitled to feel hurt and slighted by it. At least you know now what the intention are and it's not a surprise to you.

I was with you until the father thing came up. The assets are based largely on your sister's father's death, effectively a form of inheritance. It makes perfect sense that she should benefit from this asset and her step-siblings not.

I have something very similar with my family - but i see it from my mums point of view as does my older sibling, we are happy enough for the house to be given to my youngest sibling - but thats us. Hope you resolve this OP.

No, it won’t be. Have you read the guidelines about this from AgeUK?

Surely 'unconditional love' should go both ways? It sounds as though the love and care as well as the money, has been lavished on OP's sister while OP's role is purely practical, to provide services to her mum and sister. She wouldn't be unreasonble to pull back.

Unless sister pays market rate for the house and/or mother moves out it won't count as a genuine sale and they will still come after the house. You can't pass on the house and still have the benefit of living there.

Eyeing up inheritance when your mother is still alive and with no health conditions is gross, OP. Stop thinking about it and get on with your life. To withdraw support from your mother due to money is also gross.

i think she may need to do that sooner rather than later, not sure about care fees but for IHT there needs to be a 7 year gap between handing over the house and your mother's death.

And yes, it is unfair. But as you say it is your mother's decision. But i don't think you would be unreasonable to sit down with your mum, with or without one or both of your sisters, and point out that you have no more time to do any errands, help, DIY and that the unemployed, actually living in the house sister must take over.

It doesn't need to be acrimonious, and i would still visit, go out with your mum etc, just no more favours.

Inheritance is just a wish written down at a solicitor’s until you die, it doesn’t exist and it may never exist.

What definitely exists is a problem with your relationship with your mum and sister. If you need to step back because of that, it’s fair enough but I would focus on what you want to change in the now not something that may never happen.

Gross? What are you talking about? Families talk about these things, as they should ahead of time.

Not allowing yourself to be used and abused is usually called a healthy mindset not ‘gross’ 🙄

This is only sensible if

Sister is willing and capable to be her carer and advocate and can be trusted to stick to this. At the moment she doesn't have the skills or reliability required .

Sister won't ever marry as that house becomes the marital home and half his.

Your mother is really enabling her daughter to not work and waste her life.

Nope. Would still be deprivation of assets and your mum would be assessed as thouh she owned the whole house.

That’s not fair. Its surely a real gut punch to have it shoved in your face that she expects less of the younger sister and more of op. The curse of the self sufficient child.

and I’ve no siblings so not saying that from a position of knowledge but I can only imagine.

The OP has to work to pay her mortgage. She doesn't have time to be taking her mum to appointments and so on. Not when there is an able bodied, unemployed, equally closely related, adult relative living in her mother's house for free.

sorry If already mentioned but will you and your older sister expect to inherit from your father?