Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

Who knows she might need to sell her house & pay for a care home the rate things are going then nobody will get anything.
yanbu though.

Just remembered that as long as your mum is of sound mind and healthy then deprivation of assets won’t be an issue.

I see it like you do OP. Your sister's behaviour and attitude would really piss me off.
Also mum should have more appreciation of what you do to support her and acknowledge that. I don't blame you for feeling like you do.

I'm one of three. My parents cut my sister out of their wills for religious reasons - leaving the other two of us to split the inheritance between us. Because we're not arseholes and didn't want to let some twisted family feud echo down through the generations, we (me and the other one who inherited) gifted money to the cut out sister so we all got the same. Should be noted, the cut out sister was (and still is) the better off out of all of us.

Point being, doing what's right (rather than what the evil god of money tells you to do) isn't really that much of a tough decision.

Do you want to abandon your mother? Yes - because I'm going to make moral decision based on cash. No - because that's my mother and I have some respect for her role. Not hard.

There are rules in place to stop this from happening. Your Mum won't just be able to sign the house over to your sister, legally it doesn't work in this way. The authorities are wise to people doing this to avoid inheritance tax/people needing to fund their own care.

OP, it is an unpleasant situation that undoubtedly will get very messy.

Step completely away and invest in yourself and your life.

Your mother has made her choice and I think long term you might be happy to not be involved.

Drop the rope. Leave calls and texts unanswered for a few days as you are busy.

Suggest she pays for DIY and taxis going forward.

You have been used, better you know now than after the will.

I think its best for all of you if you distance yourself now. The whole dynamic doesn't sound good for any of you. Whatever you say to the contrary, you DO care what your mum does with her money, and you only want to provide support to her for your 'share' of her money, which while understandable, is transactional, and caring for an older person is a tough job that comes with no guarantees of repayment anyway. She could end up in a care home and none of you will get anything. The time to extricate yourself from this situation is now, before care is required, so everyone's expectations are clear.

You don’t particularly like your mother Op
you don’t particularly like your sister or seem particularly concerned about what is evidently a young woman with very likely mental health concerns

so maybe just take a massive step back

Op - you need to step back from helping your Mum and sister now.

They both need to start taking responsibility for themselves. Helping them is only enabling them. Your Mum has enabled your younger sister all her life and has done her no favours.

Your Mum has made it blatantly obvious who she cares for most in her will, so she needs to expect that person to be on hand to help, not you or your other sister.

Start being very busy every time she calls, don’t always reply to her messages.

My brothers and sisters struggle with life in general due to various mental health problems. No savings, no jobs, only just moved out of home at 27 and 30 respectively. This is despite both of them trying to get work and do degrees and things.
My mum's a similar age, and I hope when she passes (a long time from now) she either (A) has already spent the money on fabulous travels or (B) leaves most/all of it to my siblings. They need it more.
Much like me, you have a life and don't sound like you are in dire need. Your sister's life is small and difficult. I don't feel like being treated fairly always means being treated equally.
Lastly, my friend in similar circumstances to your sister inherited a house. It didn't mean she was suddenly rolling in it. It didn't make her much happier. It just meant she had somewhere to stay. Maybe be happy that your sibling won't struggle to put a roof over their head, rather than think about it as a money thing. She's 25 and still plenty of time to learn to drive, find some purpose. Maybe she'll turn it around.

I think this is a situation of two halves. On the one hand it’s pretty crap and unfair that your mum has decided to do this and I can see why you would be hurt.

On the other hand as you have said it is her money and she can do what she likes with it. Your interactions with her shouldn’t be based on her leaving you money. This part while understandable given the circumstances is petty. It’s like saying you are only doing those things because she was leaving you money (and you are still planned in for the savings) and now that she isn’t you aren’t going to do those things for your mum anymore.

Its good you have said your peace to her and maybe just say you need space as you have been hurt by her actions and see what happens. Let her make the next move. And speak to your younger sister - if she had any morals she would say that she would split the house with you sisters.

I think the fair to do would be to allow your sister to live there as long as she needs a roof over her head but to leave the house equally to all of you. As others have said she may need to sell it for care home fees and where would that leave your sister.

I’ve seen a lot of family resentment caused where siblings have been treated unequally including in my own family, it also makes you feel worth less than your siblings.

someone needs to have a word with your sister about her behaviour and the consequences of the possibility of the house being sold for care fees.

Bad idea for your mum -if your sister marries and subsequently gets divorced, your mum could actually lose her home as it would become a marital asset. If she wants to sign it over so that all three of you are owners that offers her much more protection.

Signing it over to her won’t protect it from care home fees. If your mum is 66 and not in good health, the LA will probably view it as deprivation of assets because there would be a reasonable expectation of needing future care at the time it was signed over.

The only circumstances in which this doesn’t apply is if a direct relative of the person going into care lives in the property and is either over 60 or has a disability. They would also need to have been resident before the person went into care. In these circumstances there is a mandatory disregard for care home fees, but it only applies for as long as the qualifying resident lives there - if they move out for any reason the house would then be liable. And it only applies to the original house. If the qualifying resident has permission from the person in care to sell it and downsize, any profit would also be liable to assessment for fees.

Which bit?

Do you seriously only interact with family members in the hope of some cash at some point? How crass.

This is key. If all your mum’s assets were split 3 ways, then little sister wouldn’t personally see any of the inheritance/insurance from her own father as it would be split with the older 2 sisters. Little sister would not however receive anything at all from the father of the older 2. This is not necessarily the right way to go about it, but I can understand your mother wanting to ringfence some cash for younger sister in consideration of the significant sum that came directly as a result of her father’s death regardless of her circumstances. The sister’s failure to launch is almost a red herring here.

The LA would probably view it as deprivation of assets, as at the time of signing over there would be a reasonable expectation of needing future care - she’s 66 and not in good health. The risk here for mum is that the LA would assess her care needs as though she still owned the property and she would have to pay accordingly.

My parents have talked to me about a similar split with my 2 sisters, one much younger (25, lots of student debt) and older one who’s just pretty dysfunctional though married to a millionaire. I can see their reasoning and also want my sisters to be ok, but it stings a bit that I feel they don’t recognize the work I’ve put in to being independent.

I told them that I really don’t care about money but would appreciate it if they can make the wills really specific about sentimental things like my granddads old cinefilms. I hope this will avoid any conflicts after they die.

I think the healthiest thing is not to frame the work you put in with your mum around the inheritance. That isn’t what is going to upset you most when she dies. More important to be able to look back on your relationship with your mum and have no regrets about the time you spent with her. Up to you to decide whether that means more or less time going forward, but don’t base it around money.

It's really not that simple. Councils are very wise to this sort of thing.

Still, not your problem, right?! 😉

My cousin is in a similar situation. It’s not about the money- she doesn’t need it. It’s the stark view that her DM views her DCs unequally and feels one is worth more than the other, despite the services that OP performs for her.

Exactly. Happy to take advantage of OP's capability at life, while indulging the younger sister's hopelessness.

Of course it will. It is just as likely to be considered deliberate deprivation of assets if the person doing this is of sound mind and healthy. In this case, OP's mum isn't healthy as she has been a heavy drinker for years and has only just given up smoking.

My first thought from your description of your sister is that she is ND. She needs a different type of support which may include securing the roof over her head.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress you are not being at all unreasonable. All you can do is let your mum know that if she chooses to do X Y and Z your reaction will be A B and C. It's a different scenario but my DM was an alcoholic and I tried many times to intervene with her, get some help etc. In the end, she having said it was her choice to drink I said that was quite right, and it would be my choice how I interacted with her going forward, and that would include never speaking to her after lunch (once she was pie-eyed), and not staying overnight at her home (same reason). She didn't like it but there was very little she could do about it. And it gave me peace that I'd been clear with her about the consequences and she took an informed decision thereafter.