Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

I think your attitude is disgusting. Fancy arguing about money while someone (your mother!) is still alive. Just because you are her daughter that does not entitle you to anything. She could leave it all to the dogs home if she wanted. Get over yourself.

OP, I think you’re just going to have to make the point by refusing any sort of help, so next time your DM asks for a lift, say no, little sister should be paying for a taxi because she’s the one who’ll be getting your money. You risk her cutting you out of her will altogether, but I do think you need to make your mother aware of how you feel by letting it have a impact on her in practical ways, not just by telling her. In your position, I would feel very resentful that my help was not acknowledged while younger sister was to be given a free ride.

Yes except the house was paid for before my little sister was born. So by that measure me and my older sister would be entitled to the house. It’s crazy to try and account for all that though which is why I think the fair thing would be an equal three way split of whatever is left (assuming very little).

For future posters joining

The younger sister is the OP’s HALF SISTER. The younger sisters father has died and left everything to the OP’s mother including a large insurance payout.

Paid for by WHOM?

@ CanterburyBells -

I think what the Op is objecting to is the unfairness of the situation, and one sibling being singled out for preferential treatment. If the OP’s DM were to leave all her money to the cats’ home, I doubt OP would have the same objections.

None of you are entitled to anything.

Take a step back from your mum and only help her in an emergency situation. She’s shown you how much she values you in comparison to your sister. It’s statistically unlikely she’ll have to go into a care home, but have a conversation with her about the deprivation of assets because she clearly hasn’t thought it through properly about signing over half the house.

Who moved in with who? Did he move in with your mother
Or did you all move in To HIS house

you are 14 years older than your younger sister.

I have previously taken that angle with my DM. That is one of the things I intend to stand back from tbh! I’ve always tried to help her with little sister and what she needs. I want to step back from that role now.

OP has said that this has always been her mum's house, not her youngest sister's dad's house.

This is literally answered in the post you quoted!

They weren’t married and my mum had paid off her mortgage herself, it has always solely been her house

I am retired and my will states very clearly that everything is to be split 3 ways between my 3 DDs.

These DDs have very different lifestyles and wealth (or lack of) but there is no way I would do anything other than a clean fair split. I know that the one DD with money will make sure that the others get her help, but that is her decision to make and not mine. I have also said that it would be my wish (if finds allow and at their discretion) for the GC to receive some benefit from my legacy.

You have discussed all this with your mum and she is set on her decision so there is nothing you can do. As far as helping her now goes, then you can only do what feels right to you. It would not be inappropriate, when she asks for your help for something, to say DD3 is there at home with you so it makes sense for you to ask her.

Does your sister have any sort of mental health problems or special needs?

I agree it’s not fair.
But you appear to have a life @InWithPeaceOutWithStressand your sister living at home doesn’t

By my mother! Along with proceeds from divorce with my dad. My mother was mortgage free when she had my little sister.

even so
in his inheritance he possibly stipulated that xyz to his daughter

we see this concern ALL the time in the step parent forum

Also for future posters joining, the house was OP's mum's before she met her second husband.

You again. Cut it out and get help for your incessant need to bully people.

This is incorrect.

OP isn't entitled to anything. Equally, OP's mum also isn't entitled to expect OP to continue to provide practical help and care for her mum when her younger daughter who doesn't work and who lives in the same house could do it.

It's not fair and I'm sure for you it's not even about the house, the blatant favoritism is hurtful. You have gone out of your way over the years to help your dm while your youngest sister gets to sit back and get a free ride due to her supposed anxiety. No way would I put up with it. Your dm needs to stop facilitating your dsis being a useless adult. It's time she stood on her own two feet. Your dm promising her the house is the worst thing she could possibly say to her. Now she'll feel she won't ever need to work. Absolutely ridiculous . If I were you I'd cool contact with them.

Re care home thry’ll take the savings first whilst house being sold, no?

She may have been mortgage free, but if she has subsequently spent the cash she inherited she might only be able to make things right by passing on an asset. Who knows, but this, and the details surrounding it, is a major consideration when asking people for their opinions on what is fair.

The injustice never leaves you. It's all wrong.

They weren't married, so anything he wanted left for her, would have been, irrelevant of OPs mother. You seem to be struggling with the idea that not all wealth comes from men.

OP, I think it's perfectly reasonable of you to expect your sister to step up and provide more care when she's not even working and will be gifted a house. It must be very hurtful to see your mum rewarding her failure. Your mum can of course leave her house to whoever she wishes, but choices have consequences, and hers has damaged your relationship, and therefore you're not willing to put yourself out as much as you previously did. That's fair.