Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

You keep threatening to leave and then you quickly return with more bile and spite towards OP. Only the most self-centred posters announce their departure as though anybody will care.

So what do you suggest?

That the OP continues the thankless task of supporting both her mother and sister indefinitely?

And that when their mother is dead and her sister has had the lion's share of the estate but is still incapable of supporting herself, the OP continues to step up?

Absolutely. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, do they?

My fil is 80, and has dementia, and has been in a care home for the past few weeks.
When he was 66 and in perfect health, the idea of him becoming unwell enough to not live at home, was laughable.

Things change, and no one has a crystal ball to predict it.

For the OP not to get involved. They don’t seem to have much respect for the OP and the OP doesn’t have much respect for them.

This is a woman who has explicitly told the Op to “stop complaining” about her inheritance. So the OP should do that

I thought you were muting the thread and going to work?

Yup you’re absolutely right! And that is what I should bloody do! 😆

It's about decency and respect first and foremost. Courtesy/acknowledgment from the people she's been caring for for the past decades.

I can see why that quote may have given you the wrong impression. In fact I haven’t raised this with my mother once since I attempted to have the conversation with her. I’ve been waking up to text messages from her that she sent at 4am demanding that I agree it’s fair. All I’m saying in response is that it’s not fair. This was after I agreed not to talk about it again and I keep repeating that! I actually blocked her number so she would stop haranguing me about it.

Good for you OP.
I think it’s disgusting how she’s treating you both differently to the younger sister.

People saying the life insurance money was the younger sisters… No it’s not, the whole idea of life insurance while you have a young child is to give the MOTHER financial security while she raises any children, so that she doesn’t have to work 3 jobs to pay for everything. The house was already paid for by Op’s mum and dad and the life insurance policy ensured little sister and mum had a comfortable life for the last 20 years… little sis can’t both benefit from the insurance policy all her life AND get 100% share of the house AND a third of any other assets.

Glad you blocked your mum….
also glad your mum told you this was her plan - you can now see that you need to cut your mum from your life and live you live without caring for her and little sis!

how does the other sister feel about all this? Is she also backing away or will she step in and take over all the running around you’ve been doing?

Do you and other sis have children? I see you hee sister doesn’t..

I ask that because I wonder if a better inheritance would be for your mother to leave the house in trust to her grandchildren but with the terms that you her sister can live there until she dies

• then it’s sold and divided between yours and your sisters children?

Your mother doesn’t need to sign half the house to your sister, she just needs to put it in trust to whoever - that way after 7 years it won’t have to be sold for care home fees. If she ‘gifts’ half the house to your sister, the 7 year rule still applies anyway!

I’d be cross if my mum and dad did this. Not for myself as I own my own house outright… but for my daughter… fine to cut me from all but I’d love my daughter to have that financial help. .
But I know I’ll be the sole carer to my parents if needed, so if they treated me this badly they’d be on their own and my 3 siblings would have step up!

I have had this- an unequal split and then the demand I agree it is fair. My Dad fell out with me for a while because I refused- it's wrong to agree if you don't think it's fair. I would demand she not ring me at 4am, if it is not an emergency, and if it continued return the favour when she is most likely to be asleep.

Honestly it really is. It isn’t so much that I feel my mum ‘loves my sister more than me’, I’m quite aware and accepting that she’s not a hugely loving mother in many respects. But it’s the feeling that she doesn’t respect me and is treating me with contempt. It’s the total lack of acknowledgment and gratitude for the support I’ve given until now. And the lack of support I’ve had from her over the years. It’s all come to a head. I feel used. I feel lower on the rungs.

Thank you. My older sister is really upset and angry about this too. She has a child and is a single parent. She feels really let down, she’s only recently got on the housing ladder and it’s a 30 year mortgage like mine was. It’s such a long grind ahead. It took us both a long time to up our earnings and save enough. It’s just very dispiriting to know that we’re not being thought of. Our parents are the boomer generation who had it easier than us in regard to the difference between house prices and salaries, pensions, and they received equal inheritance from their parents with their respective sibling. Paid their mortgages off in their 40s. I don’t think they understand how it is for us.

Of course it hurts. Your mother is being wildly unfair to all of you, including your younger sister. You haven't had the help but at least have been taught how to stand on your own two feet, and she may have it easy now but doesn't appear to have any life skills to give her a chance at independence or a life of her own at any point. Its terrible parenting all round and deeply hurtful to you right now.

And that's what people aren't getting.
Honestly, I feel for you.

I have three Dsis’s. Two that I grew up with and one who was born when I was fifteen. My parents left their house to our youngest sister. They figured we’d had them around longer than she would … their house, their decision. I 💯 supported them. The other two not so much …

What a very very depressing family saga

Why doesn’t she try al-anon
alcoholism spreads its tentacles long after the initial sufferer has died resentful behaviour and recycling old ‘hurts‘will just keep you stuck in this negative cycle
some people will make an identity out of perceived unfairness
Do you want to stay chained to this negativity
go out and,try to be of use!

I don’t really think that this would need spelling out. I really really don’t want to rely on my children for any future care - at the same time i want to leave them something to help them out as life is hard and wouldn’t ever leave one more than the other.

to simultaneously want/accept elder care whilst not providing fairly for an adult child seems incredibly selfish… and quite spectacularly self-centred to be honest

So what are you going to do @InWithPeaceOutWithStress ?

Hopefully
a) not mention her mother’s will again
b) stop being so enmeshed with the lives of two women that don’t seem to care or respect the Op very much, and the Op feels similarly. The Op has a partner, a home, a job - just focus on that

You are such a nasty, mean bully. It's like you look forward to bullying anyone you can. Yuck.

Doesn't sound like STEPDADDY had much in assets, since the Mother already owned the house in full. STEPDADDY did not have the right to give the Mother's house to his DD, since it was never his.

Keep your mother blocked.
Of course yanbu.
She knows it too, but is trying to bully you into agreeing.

Take space. Invest in supporting your sister.