Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

No, the house was already paid off by the mother. What is your problem with the thread?

There is no time limit on care fees. Signing over even half the house would very likely be viewed as deliberate deprivation of assets given mum’s age and state of health.

I really despise parents doing this. We had similar issue with younger sibling getting less, and we did deed of variation to sort it out evenly…we were not going to let parents dictate the dynamics of our siblings relationship going forward after they’d passed way, by “othering” our sibling and treating them as the rejected one .

These types of parent are making a decision on who they perceive as most needy or closest at time of writing the will. But circumstances change in a matter of a few months. Younger sister just might meet someone, fall in love, get married to a wealthy partner, and elder sisters can fall ill, loose jobs, loose their home, divorce or any number of life changing events we are all just a step away from, that then would make us the one that was most in need.

Sure, where an adult child is totally dependant due to serious mental incapacity or profound physical illness, and that “child” is being cared for formally by their parents, then sure provision may well have to be unbalanced. But that’s it. And that needs a whole family discussion, probably a trust with siblings as at least 1 trustee etc etc. That’s a whole different situation, and in those circumstances siblings will probably be only too aware of the need for it.

parents that do this are naive to think that just becuase one daughter is unmarried and still living at home, and other are married, settled etc that this is how their lives will run till those children die. I divorced after 35 years of marriage, my exh also did not work for 16 years and money was tight to point we nearly lost our house. Yep, we made it through the debt etc and came out ok thankfully, but there by grace of god we all go.

sure, there may well be nothing or little left after care home etc. but it is not what happens, it is how these decisions make you feel. Less appreciated, loved or even rejected totally. What sort of parent wants to do that to their own children? What sort of parent wants their legacy to be division between their children? Even if parents go non communicative with their children (started by whoever), think how much better their legally would be to forgive and bequeath equally to not pass on that division to their children.

for people saying it’s paretns choice who leave money to, or you can’t guarantee anything. It’s not the point. The point is about the relationships, not the money. I think there are few people who treated like this could shrug it off and not care or be hurt at all.

I can understand your mother wanting to ringfence some cash for younger sister in consideration of the significant sum that came directly as a result of her father’s death regardless of her circumstances. The sister’s failure to launch is almost a red herring here

Absolutely this.

I said eyeing up her inheritance, not talking about her mother's finances. Two difference things.

You're not being 'used and abused' just because you don't inherit a parent's house.

You are being treated unfairly if your parent chooses to leave their estate to one sibling and not the others.

Yes – OP, your mother and sister should be aware of this. We have just gone through this with my own mother.

I am willing to bet my own house that this a narcissistic parasitic mother that has divided up her children based on those solely and directly serving her.

Youngest sister has sacrificed her entire life. Quite frankly you couldn’t pay me any amount to endure the kind of half life she is living with no autonomy - this is an extremely common arrangement for this particular type of disordered, dysfunctional family.

Op get some counselling, I expect this is merely the tip of the iceberg. Invest your time and efforts in other relationships. You are on a hiding to nothing with this one.

Your mum is being very unfair here. I think an equal split is way more appropriate. Plus lm guessing part of the reason your sister is the way she is, is your mum doesn't challenge it enough. Why has your mum been allowing her to loll around and avoid life for nearly half a decade?! I would swerve and avoid so you don't end up taking over subsidising and babying your sister. Oh and yeah l would agree with stop helping your mother out, it's not as if your sister is busy and she lives there

I have looked at the guidelines and I assume you refer to this one:

'What if I gave my money or home away a long time ago?

The timing is important. The council will look at when you reduced your assets and see if, at the time, you could reasonably expect that you would need care and support. They then have to decide based on all the case facts and clear reasons, which could be challenged.

If you were fit and healthy, and couldn't have imagined needing care and support at the time, then it might not count as deprivation of assets.'

It only says 'might not' not 'will not' and OP's mum is not fit and healthy as she is a heavy drinker, was a heavy smoker who has recently stopped smoking and takes no exercise. They also look at whether paying for care and support was a significant reason for people giving away their assets. OP has said that her mum would not want to go into a care home, but she may change her mind if she needs care that her youngest daughter is unable to provide and OP isn't willing to step up and take this on.

OP you really don't know what the future holds. Try not to make big statements or decisions at this point.

*She's only 66. She could live another 20+ years.

*Wills can be changed at any time without your knowledge. You never know for certain what's in it until the person passes away.

*Her poor lifestyle choices do not guarantee future ill health. Leaving your younger sister to step up might not be the burden you anticipate.

*There's no guarantee your sister would take responsibility and your mother could still leave her the house regardless. This is a transaction you're trying to create but it doesn't currently exist. In the end it's your sister's choice to look after her and your mother's choice about the house. It doesn't matter what you decide to do regarding helping out.

Younger sisters’ father died and left an insurance payout which formed mum’s savings. He had no part in paying mum’s mortgage - OP says she did that herself. Since mum’s savings are willed as an equal share for all three sisters l don’t see how it can been seen as fair that little sister gets half the house as well. Why isn’t that an equal split ?

As others have said I think it's important that you air your views to your mother and allow her the space to consider them. If you don't you'll regret it and it might taint your future relationships.

I confronted my father many years ago where his second wife would not let him write a will, due to some sort of superstition. Eventually they did. He has since passed. I and my siblings are not greatly needing an inheritance and I'm glad that he pretty much spent everything on holidays.

You don't know where things will end up but my advice is to voice your thoughts.

Unfair by OP's view – not the mother's, whose money it is. Regardless, it's not the entire estate, it's a house, with remainder of cash split equally.

OP is adequately housed and presumably adequately employed for her mortgage. There is no reason for her to be sulking over not getting a property out of her mother's eventual death.

I’ve had this debate with my sibling. He and wife recently changed their wills and moved to tenants in common with half house in trust to kids on death of first spouse.

i pointed out it wouldn’t protect them, unless there was another sound reason like dependant child . But their solicitor was still peddling this fallacy. Yep, it was standard practice up till about 20 years ago, when local authority got more powers. But some would still get told it will protect them

but then, they’ve also tried to protect their kids inheritence form divorce in their will. Utter twaddle too. Sure, a court would try to honour it if there were enough martial assets, but you’d need to be pretty well off anyway …the law on “fair settlement” will always trump any asset protection agreement like a pre nup etc. only if “fair settllent” can be met without touching those assets in trusts, or pre nups etc will a court uphold those. EVEN where it is a consent order. Law is quite clear for very good reasons.

solicitor are making money from giving people the idea that you can protect wealth a giant divorce or care home costs. It’s a lie. Sure, it doesn’t do any harm to try, but it will in most cases not hold.

She is adequately housed because she has worked and paid for it herself.

If her sister is going to inherit an entire house, it's entirely reasonable for her to earn it by providing whatever care their mother needs.

OP would be withdrawing support for her difficult and ungrateful mother due to the inquality of treatment where one child is cossetted and cared for while the other is expected to provide practical services and care.

No she’s made it clear that helping her is contingent on her being loved as equally as her sister. Her mother gifting the house to her sister shows she loves and,more importantly, values her sister more.

Vile behaviour of parent. She’s 25 not 16! House should be sold, divided between siblings, end of.

What's the difference though, if we don't know the value of the house? If my the logic that the savings came from little sister's father's life insurance policy, then it's not unreasonable for her to get the full £180k. If the house is worth less than £360k, then she'd come away with the same deal – just not all of it in cash.

The poster has form.

Some people (rightly) don't confuse money with love.

She needs some proper legal advice before doing this

You are making a lot of assumptions there my friend. Anything could happen to op and she may be able to maintain her mortgage. Illness, disability, divorce and accident. Her mother has not considered any of these possibilities. So it looks very much like she doesn’t much care to secure her other children’s security and future well being. I can totally see why it is deeply upsetting.

Step back, go grey as they say on here. Let your youngest sister take on the responsibility. It will be good for her. They can use taxis for vets etc.