Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

Sorry, to be more accurate, sign half of it over to little sister. I think that would mean the house would never get sold to pay for care as little sister would still be living there as the co-owner.

Eurgh that's really unfortunate. You might want to make yourself unavailable so she has to face the consequences of her actions and try to deal with your frustration of this situation away from her. How annoying and unfair.

It sounds as though your sister is depressed and that your mother is worried about her future. Leaving her the house is a way to make sure she has somewhere to live.
Your relationship sounds extremely transactional which is very sad. You either love someone and want to help them when they can no longer help themselves or you don't there is no obligation to do anything you don't want to but I don't think support should depend on how much money your mother says she will leave you in her Will.

Similar thing happened to me years ago, OP. Golden child got everything and other children, all with same parents, got nothing. It is about much more than the money (although obviously it's about the money too).

In my case, all the siblings stopped talking to each other, some went NC with parents immediately. It caused nothing but hurt and destroyed the family.

Another thing, there is nothing you can say or do to change parents like this - they are creating or maybe highlighting extreme family dysfunction. I suggest you make a life for yourself without your mother and golden child sibling in it.

Little sister has some existing inheritance from her grandmother. When that runs out she would need to either get a job or claim benefits, same as anyone else.

Yes, I know I acknowledged that!

This would be seen as very obvious and deliberate deprivation of assets.
Unless your sister pays your mum a recognisable market value, she cannot just 'transfer' the house into her daughter's name. Councils are pretty wise to this even if she did it years earlier. It's a very obvious attempt to avoid care costs so now this would be scrutinised and could leave your mum ineligible for her care costs to be paid.

I usually avoid these threads but honestly this is no way to live, for any of you. The first concern should be your sisters 'failure to launch', common in boys but less so in girls. She needs help, tough love possibly - that is the angle you should take with your DM.

Ah just read about your DM signing over half of the house.
Go the other way “Great idea DM to plan for when you need care, now Dsis is set up so she can provide it.” Take a massive step back in terms of what you do “Oh can’t Dsis take the cat to the vet, she is a lot closer after all .” “ Can’t Dsis take you to the doctors, it’s a lot easier for her to do it”.

Op

this younger sister is your half sister, you do not share the same father.

the property in question…. Was this property owned by her father?

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress I would 100% step back and let your sister look after her mother and her old age.

Just leave your mother to sign over half the house.
It is her house. Your mother will need to use her money to pay for her own living costs so it looks like you and your older sister will not inherit, unless your younger sister dies, childless and young.

Keep seeing your mother for social reasons but do not go out of your way to disrupt your life to provide care. Collect numbers of drivers, taxis etc for her to use when you can not easily drive her.

No. The council can and will still put a charge on it and it will have to be sold at some point to repay what she owes. Transferring to a child is such a classic way to try and avoid care fees. And doesn't work.

Unless your sister is over 60 when your mum needed care. Which isn't likely, let's face it. And if it were the case, the property doesn't need to be in your sister's name.

No. Me and my older sister have a different dad. Younger sister’s dad died when she was a small child. That was the point I stepped in and took on a lot of parenting and household tasks (I was 18) as my mum started drinking really heavily and couldn’t cope. They weren’t married and my mum had paid off her mortgage herself, it has always solely been her house. They were actually on the verge of splitting up when he died. I believe my mums savings are largely from life insurance payout that she received when he died. So this is playing into why she thinks my little sister is entitled to more than me and my older sister.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to expect your sister who actually lives in the same house as your mum and who doesn't work to do the practical stuff around the house and support your mum as she ages and her health deteriorates.

If your sister doesn't drive, they can get around using public transport and taxis. Your mum can't have it both ways. She either treats all her children fairly in relation to the inheritance, or she prioritises your sister but can't expect you to continue to be her main provider of practical help, care and support.

Well then this is a massive consideration. She sees the family wealth as having come from your sisters father, rather than something she has accumulated herself and so is trying to keep it in the family line.

I am one of 6 children and DH has 1 sister.

DH sister and one of my sisters are ‘shit at life’ they have no disabilities, in fact DH sister was a higher earner than us for quite a while, she is just awful with money.

Those sisters always got the sympathy card, all our parents were divorced years ago. My Mother and DH Father left their entire estates to our sisters that are unsuccessful. It was like a prize for being a bad decision maker. MIL and my Father were not like that, my Father didn’t have much to leave, MIL has an estate worth about 600k and will split it equally and was genuinely distraught at her ex husbands unfair treatment of their children.

There would be a charge on the half of the house your Mother still owns if your sister is under the age of 60 at the time of your Mothers death. This was recently confirmed by a solicitor to a friend who owns half a house with their parent.

So when your mum and two children (you and your older sister) moved in with her partner with whom she’d go on to have a baby with (your younger sister)…. Was this HIS property? Did HE stipulate that he wanted his share of the property to go to HIS daughter and not step daughters?

I understand your frustration, as a mother the most important thing is for your children to be secure, even as adults.
Dsis finds her life is dominated by anxiety.
I agree the money above the house should be split equally between the other siblings, I can understand your mother's reasons too.
It is really her business and she shouldn't be forced to make it equal when the situation isn't equal.

That would almost certainly be counted as deprivation of assets and so would likely still be counted. Also if she stays living there she is still deemed to have a beneficial interest.

i believe my mums savings are largely from life insurance payout that she received when he died. So this is playing into why she thinks my little sister is entitled to more than me and my older sister.

well she is right there Op

Little sis is gonna be primarily responsible for taking care of your mother as she ages, living in the same house and all. I agree with you taking a step back and letting them get on with it.

Your younger sister won’t get a share of your father’s inheritance

So why don’t you see this as her share of her father’s inheritance

The fact you didn’t mention that your younger sister has a different father to you, indicates that you know this is relevant

Its also a very foolish thing to do, as if sister meets her dream man and they decide to evict mum, there is nothing mum. can do about it.