Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

If the 25yo who doesn't work is to inherit the property, then she needs to be the one to do any caring that your mother needs in later life.

You can take a step back from them both and be busy when they need your services. Meet them for stuff like meals/christmas or whatever, but they don't get to use you as their personal assistant/chauffeur etc.

I didn’t have his home though? His home was for his second wife and her two children.

huh?

I am talking about the fact you had a father, were you close to him? Did he offer you a roof over your head away from your abusive mother?

I don’t think comparing a 4 year year old losing her father and then stuck living with her spiralling and alcoholic mother
with
an 18 year old and 20 year old, heading off to university, with a father of their own.

as being remotely comparable in terms of likely impact upon adult life is unfair

I wasn’t talking about your bloody inheritance Op

good grief, that is what your mind goes straight to

I was talking about fact you had a living father (you don’t make mention your relationship’s with him?) whilst she lost hers at 4

I meant his home as in another place for you to go, a support, a parental figure that wasn’t an alcoholic

I wasn’t talking about clawing your share of inheritance

I’ve never said my mother was abusive. No I didn’t have a room at my dad’s house once he had moved on. As I said, his house was for his wife and step kids.

Can you clarify what your point is in any case? I was 18 when my stepdad died therefore my little sister should inherit the house from our mum because she was only 4 when he died? It doesn’t make any sense.

I’ve lived with her alcoholism as has my sister. I recall my mum taking my sister to uni open days and visiting her at uni. I didn’t get any of that, I picked a uni by looking at the brochure. I stayed in the cheapest halls at uni and built up debt doing so. Never so much as a phone call from my mum. And that was after I’d deferred for a year to stay home and grieve and help at home. You just can’t compare life experiences or levels of suffering, and then allocate finances based on that.

I’m not talking about inheritance, give over. I’ve explained previously in the thread my dad intends to split whatever is left between the 4 children.

My sister had a go to, parental figure, supporting her, who wasn’t an alcoholic - me!

The problem is I think if you pointed out the shit life she is going to have this 25 year old bone idle woman wouldn’t believe you

Even if you put things down as pure maths (which after all is her specialist subject) she would think you were jealous when in actual fact it would be so far from the truth it would be laughable.

The 18 year old who went off to university?

So if she was 4 when her father died 18 years ago, that would make her …. 22

You father and your half brothers…. Close to your dad? Had his home to go to?

I’m not sure what you want from me or what you’re trying to convey. Would you like to just sum it up instead of asking endless questions.

I miscalculated. It was 20 (and a half) years ago.

But I moved abroad both during uni (year abroad) and after uni as I couldn’t find work in the U.K. and it wasn’t a good atmosphere at home as I was always trying to get my mum to stop drinking, smoke outside, open windows, take sister to bed, and things like that. I decided it was better for me to go as I was creating conflict. And I’ve never reconnected with my little sister again in the same way as when I was living with her when she was a child.

you were right to extract yourself
but do you really not grasp how incredibly shit her childhood was and the impact that this may well have one someone at in the early twenties (22 not 25!)

You repeatedly said 18 but ok

Yes I do grasp that, I’ve shared information in this thread about that and my perspective that she’s had it really tough, and how I’ve given a lot of myself to try to help her. What is the missing piece, what else do you expect from me?

What I’m trying to convey is

this young woman had a shit childhood and
now has a shit life

big whoop she’ll own half a property, but seriously OP, stop “complaining” to your mums out it, focus’s on you, your fertility journey, your own thriving life which involves a partner, job, independence.

Do you want me find the death certificate and verify for you?

To not harangue your mother about this decision

just let it go and if you don’t want to be involved in her care… then don’t be. You seem fairly robust not to be dragged in to it

You’ll get your paws hands on a share of your dad’s inheritance plus your partners family

plus you work and presumably your partner works

just focus on that op and not half the property of a woman (and younger woman) that you aren’t remotely close to

She isn’t owning half a property. The will is for her to have the house and a third of the savings so that’s £340k versus £60k. I also had a shit childhood. Are you trying to covey that you think her childhood was £280k more shit than mine? How does that work? I’ve had to grind for years, working my way up shit jobs as I’ve had no confidence, no social skills, no emotional skills, no parental support, no financial help, trauma from sexual violence when I was 16 as I was a vulnerable lonely autistic girl, only got a healthy ish relationship for the first time at 36. You’re being horrible.

dod you ever get the money back from your older sister for the vet bill that you were posting about being angry she wasn’t paying you?

and it seem your younger sister isn’t the only
one you think gets more than their fair share, your older sister too

My parents (divorced) have separately both taken my sister on holiday, paid for it, and I haven’t been invited or given an alternative cash sum or holiday. She’s always somehow been better at getting them to pay for / do things for her.

OP you sound very bitter

So you acknowledge that she had a terrible childhood with no parental help, only her older sisters to rely on before they left.
A life of being abandoned, if your DM dropped dead tomorrow, you would sell up.
I understood why your DM is ensuring that she isn't abandoned again.
Your mother is abusive. How can you say she wasn't, neglectful and emotionally abusive.