Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

You and your sister helped financially contribute to your younger sister private education?

Are you and your older sister close?
does your older sister have the same kind of relationship with your younger sister as you?

It’s massively unfair ….
cut your ties and walk away… your mum has told you what she thinks of you through her past and future actions… listen and know your own worth…. Walk away and stop helping her and your sister!

She’s never worked. In contrast, I worked whilst at college and uni. She was doing a maths degree and had hoped to get a graduate job perhaps at one of the big 4. I don’t think she can countenance having to start at the bottom like we did so has essentially given up. She refuses to talk about it or make plans.

No. I mean supported the family decision. I mentioned this as people in the thread have been accusing me of being jealous of her greater access to money.

If your sister doesn't work and is with your mum all the time, and telling her about her anxieties etc you will never get through to your mum as she has your sisters voice around her 90% of the time.

The only way you will get through to her is if you're willing to do the same.

Do you think your sister due to being completely enabled has now realised that the less she does the more she gets?

I don't think your Dsis is lazy. She has a mental health problem and an anxiety disorder, most likely from her traumatic upbringing.

Most people who have good mental health and a private education wouldn't choose to live at home, unemployed.

Just a thought, there are 2 ways of interpreting “ pretty ugly “. It can mean either: really rather ugly, or attractive in a non obvious/ conventional way ( the french term is jolie laide). Examples might be Jeff Goldblum, Sarah Jessica Parker, Virginia Wolf, Barbara Streisand etc. Apologies for womansplaining if you knew that already.

Exactly!!

shes 25, lost a parent at 4, had to endure then a mother drinking too much and losing it, dropped out of uni, doesn’t work, doesn’t have a license, lives with her alcoholic nasty mum.

This won’t be the life she’s wanting to live

Are you joking?

not from your own mother

My mum and all her daughters have mental health issues, we still have to work.

Focus on yourself. Let the ds who will get the house look after your mum. Tell your mum that you have to work to pay your mortgage.

Sorry, I'm not sure if anyone's mentioned this, but if she's going to sign away 50% of the house to LS now in order to avoid it being sold for care homes, surely the 'fair' (but still favourable to LS) thing is to leave her remaining half to you and your sister? It wouldn't make up for the overall unfairness and clear trauma and hurt that this is just a tangible example of, but it would be a more reasonable approach.

But you don’t live with this the toxic person do you?

Tenants in common is not deprivation of assets as it isn’t about passing a whole property on to a child. It does not avoid care home fees for the survivor in a marriage, it avoids using the assets of the deceased to fund the care home fees of the survivor. Many people other than married couples purchase as tenants in common to clearly delineate the ownership of the asset, for example siblings, friends or in scenarios where one partner own a higher proportion. It’s a legitimate way to potentially reduce the size of the estate considered liable for care home fees by clearly splitting the asset in the same way you might have individual bank accounts that then pass to someone else when you die; completely normal. It just stops the house automatically passing to the surviving spouse and being classed as THEIR estate for the purpose of care home liabilities.

Some family members are impacted much harder than others, if they're the sensitive type, the family sponge. She is not capable of creating a life for herself otherwise she wouldn't be still living with her alcoholic tormentor.

Yes

She is trapped

And some people are content to be catered for through life.
To pathologicalise everything....to be the eternal victim and never, ever accept anyone else may have troubles or needs.
Look at all the posters here, are they posting from the dsis position?

"How can you ever think of you and your needs?! Think only of her!!-

This person lost her father at 4 years old
She was left with a very difficult alcoholic of a mother
and her two half sisters were forced out shortly after their father’s death, so she was alone with the woman

I understand. If I was OP I'd have cut off my mother years ago, thanking my lucky stars that I escaped.
If DM passes it to Dsis, she must stipulate the house go back to the sibling or grandchildren if Dsis dies.

But you could just as easily write a very similar scenario for @InWithPeaceOutWithStress

The OP was required to live with a step-father through her mother's re-marriage, and he died after only a few years of marriage to the OP's mother, leaving the OP's mother to sink or swim financially. The OP's mother assumes (requires?) that the OP will look after her, emotionally, financially & in practical matters while being treated unfairly and with contempt by her mother.

The op is 14 years older than her younger sister
she was 18 when her step father died and thankfully left for uni shortly thereafter

there is a gaping abyss between a 4 year old and an 18 year old

Added to which, the Op had her father and his home. What’s your relationship like with him op?

I understand what you're saying and thanks for trying to make it lighter.

I get all that now but as a 7 year old who already knew that I looked 'awkward', the complete opposite of pretty in my mind back then and she didn't follow it up with anything. No just kidding or I'm joking. As I was beside her I couldn't see her expression head on but she did look down at me from the corner of her eye.
I didn't know what that meant.
I didn't know that she was joking.

This obviously affected the relationships I had although I did mask very well!!
I came across confidently but inside I was always shitting myself and in disbelief of some of the situations I got into.

I spoke to her about it while I was having therapy this year as part of my healing and I told her that I don't blame her for my insecurities. I know 100% that she didn't say it in malice. My mum has only ever loved me and wanted the best for me. She wasn't to know that my brain would hold that for the rest of my life.
Until March that is 🥰🙌🏼🙏🏼✨❤️

I also understand "the I love you but I don't like you sometimes".
I was a handful and my 3 kids are a lot plus a lot bit extra only they have me and I get them.

Sorry OP for this long comment.

I understand your frustration as it appears to be unfair however, if your sister resides in said property, the older your mother grows, I presume the burden of care will fall on the one in the property as opposed to anyone else.

like you stated, be more hands off now.

don’t verbalise your feelings now as she sounds determined but now you know your place in the pecking order, play it accordingly.

I would have thought it may be fairies that the money left over is split excluding the sister who is to inherit the property but then again, this is only my humble opinion