Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

I wonder whether her mum's inquality of treatment between the two daughters of her first marriage and the daughter of her second relationship is due to the differet feelings she has about her daughters' fathers. If she had a difficult first marriage and very negative feelings about her first husband, this resentment may have transferred to his two daughters.

As her younger daughter's dad died, maybe he and the child she had with him have been put on a pedestal. Certainly, the child whose dad died will be viewed with more sympathy and compassion than the children of the divorced dad.

This is an interesting perspective, thank you. My mum has said things like I was an ugly baby, she loves me but doesn’t like me, why do I dress so badly etc My older sister told me she had PND when I was a baby. And I think her pregnancy with me may have coincided with the beginning of the breakdown of her relationship with my dad, apparently my dad used a prostitute when she was pregnant which must be a sign things weren’t good between them.

I agree with leaving your sister to ferry your mum around by taxi. You are working and she isn't, so has more time for caring duties. I wouldn't have an argument about it, just slowly withdraw.

How old was your younger sister when her father died?

were you close to your step father?

Your older sister and you have a loving close relationship?

Op presumably you don’t have your children around this woman?

My view… your mother sounds awful

your 25 year old sister sounds trapped, unhappy and alone

I don’t have children. Very much wanted but didn’t feel I could be a good enough mother until I improved by mental health, found financial security and a decent home for myself, found a good relationship etc. I’m ready now but struggling with my fertility, been trying for a couple of years. I would protect my children from her as she can be very harsh.

She was 4.

We had our conflicts but I lived with him for 6 years. I was totally shell shocked when he died suddenly. It was the worse time of my life.

I wouldn’t want my children within a 5 mile radius of her

So imagine how shit it must be for your younger sister op

I know. That’s been my stance. I’ve always been supportive of my sister and tried helping her. But she’s become totally symbiotic with my mother. I don’t get a look in anymore. Don’t know how to extract her, help her, feel powerless.

So from a very young age when she lost her father, she was left when an unpleasant woman falling apart and drinking, and her two older big sisters basically kicked out.

Must have been horribly traumatic for her and no doubt contributes to the very unhappy life she has carved out

I was around her a lot initially. I really tried to fill the gap for her. Comforted her and took her to bed when she was being ignored or my mum was passed out. Stepping in when my mum was being harsh with her as she wasn’t getting dressed quickly enough to avoid going to school. Helping my mum make decisions. Taking her out to the park, day trips, to get her out the house and so on. Giving my mum a break when I could.

But I moved abroad both during uni (year abroad) and after uni as I couldn’t find work in the U.K. and it wasn’t a good atmosphere at home as I was always trying to get my mum to stop drinking, smoke outside, open windows, take sister to bed, and things like that. I decided it was better for me to go as I was creating conflict. And I’ve never reconnected with my little sister again in the same way as when I was living with her when she was a child.

this little girl was alone in a house with an alcoholic grieving absent woman from a very young age

her education would have suffered seriously and I imagine her mental health is in the gutter hence being 25 and essentially doing absolutely nothing with her life.

Whilst she may be receiving more inheritance op, this young woman is to be pitied

Hi OP,

The more I read your updates, the more my heart goes out to you.

@Blobbitymacblob made a very good point about the fact that there has been a difficult family dynamic at play for years and that the question of the will has just brought these issues from a subconcious to a concious level. I think this is bang on.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo also suggested that you can gently but firmly communicate that you are upset, and that actions have consequences. To be clear, the actions that have consequences in this scenario is that your mum allowed you to take on a parental/adult role at a very young age and continued to count on you for years or even decades to be a care-giver/housekeeper/general flunky to her and your younger sister, not simply that she intends an unfair inheritance split.

FWIW I think that you might consider going low/no contact with your mum and younger sister while you figure out where you are and how you feel. If you are able to, return to therapy and get some support. This family dynamic has been going on for your whole life and it impacts your self image, your self worth, how you treat yourself, and how you interact with others. It feels like the inheritance discussion has cracked something open that has been buried for a long time. You owe it to yourself to truly examine it and decide what you want and what will make you happier and psychologically safer in the years to come.

Finally, many people recommend Philippa Perry's books, and she writes a regular column for The Guardian. I personally find that she is very insightful and can get right to the heart of an issue, but always gently and with kindness. Maybe her book could be of use to you.

www.penguin.co.uk/authors/126019/philippa-perry

Why do you think youre entitled to anything? So many people have this sense of entitlement to their parents assets. It's your mums hard earned money that paid for the house, she can do as she wishes. She raised you to earn your own money and pay for your own home with your own earnings. Be appreciative to have your mum and sister, my mum wanted to leave her home to one of my sisters which I totally understood as she also lived in the house with my mum and was also more reliant on my mum. My sister passed away before my mum, my mum recently passed at 67 so I got half the house with my other sister. But I would simply prefer if they were both still alive.

Has younger sis ever worked? Sorry if this has been asked already.
I know she dropped out of her degree and isn't working now.
I was wondering what it is that she does in terms of what was she studying for?
What was her career path?

Again apologies if it's been said already, I got to page 2 where this comment was and wasn't going to read all the pages to see if it was asked.

Or cashed in on the property and enjoyed life. My parents died before 70 too.

I'm sorry about your Dsis too. 💐

I see my older relatives and neighbours really struggling financially, sitting on equity but too scared to cash in because they're aware that the children want the inheritance.

Ireland has a really good deal for care home care. The fair deal scheme, only 8% of the property value is deducted for the care home costs.
The rest is government and pension funded
My neighbours husband has stage 4 cancer, she's been on her knees but wouldn't put him into care because the 8% would reduce her children's inheritance. Sad.

I'll leave nothing, there'll be no issues. 😅

And this is why people should read at least some of OPs replies and/or read a page or two rather than going off immediately before commenting on any post.
Things aren't always as they seem on the surface and the comment ends up looking a bit silly.

I thought OPs post was a bit much at first but after reading into it, what a sad situation it is for all. Mum included.
It doesn't excuse her meanness but it's more understandable.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress

Therapy. If you don't gel with the therapist then ask for another.
I've had quite a lot of therapy but this years therapy has done wonders for me and my past situation. Sending you love

Its ironic that the people accusing others of being entitled and focussing on the money are the ones focussing on the money.
OP and others are talking about the hurt caused by being treated unequally by a parent. Of being made to feel they matter less.

That's not how it is

Exactly. It has nothing to do with the actual amount of money - I can’t believe people haven’t got that yet.. There is clearly a complicated dynamic in the family and the inheritance issue and favouritism of the sister has brought everything out in the open.

Your DM possibly has 20 years or more, Dsis will change too, she might meet someone and buy her own property. Fingers crossed.

A wise woman told me years ago, that the favourite child, is often the troubled child, that requires more attention, leaving the other children to suffer from the golden child. I understand it, DD would say DS is my favourite, he is not, he is full on, demanding, DD is very quite, she's really my favourite of the two 85% of the time.

To be perfectly honest, if your sister lives with your mother, has never worked so doubt she will, she has zero chance of getting a mortgage even with a good deposit. So I think it's right that she would inherit the house, providing she would carry on living there, if on the other hand she sold it and bought a 1 bed flat with lots of money left over then it seems a bit unfair. There again, at the end of the day if you inherit £50,000 that's very nice, but, if your mom was penny less are you saying you wouldn't be helping her? That is the big question, are you only helping in the hope of what you will inherit?

When I was 7 I asked my mum if she thought I was pretty as I was well aware that I had an eye that closed more than the other eye when I smiled and brown hair that didn't curl or want to be straight.
My mum said, pretty ugly.
That stuck with me until this year.
I'm 47.

I remember being told multiple times that while she loved me, she didn't like me right now.
I can't remember now why she said it.
I know I was a lot (ADHD unknown then) but I don't remember doing anything that could warrant such a horrible thing to say.
So I know what that can do to a persons mind and self esteem.

The only difference is that my mum said it as a joke and I 100% know that now but my 7 year old self didn't and I had issues with me for 4 decades.
Therapy has helped me massively this year more than any other time.

I just wanted to reach out to you on this subject because Ive lived a bit of what you did and I'm so sorry for you that your mum is the way she is.

👌🏼

She had a really good education tbf. My sister and I really suffered in the local rough state school. We supported little sister going to a private school to avoid the same experiences we had. She really enjoyed school and had a good group of friends. We all did well academically.