To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

He's being a ridiculous baby.

Fair enough you want to see your Mum, but your FIL is every bit as much your kid’s grandfather as your own Dad.

As a mum of only boys I find threads like this so depressing.

It's perfectly natural to want to spend more time with your mum, especially if she's the helpful type.

Tell your DH that you are not a sideshow up for prostituting your self out for visits outside your imeadiate support group.

And his idea is totally bonkers and it's not happening.

What a selfish arsehole. Your family are coming to support you after you have just experience what quite frankly is a potentially traumatic experience. You will be in pain, partially clothed and needing support to look after your new baby. It's not a fucking spectator sport.

You are entitled to support from your family and equally entitled to not be gawped at by his!

I guess he is under pressure from both sides!

I have three sons. Luckily I have amazing DILs who include me just as much as their own mums. When my first grandchild was born, I was at the hospital soon after, along with the other granny. We were both able to hold our DGC, it was lovely.

My DH died last year. My DIL wants me to move to the village where they live, she’s also invited me on holiday with them.

She's not talking about forever.
You know that bit when your breasts are sore and leaking and your undercarriage feels like it's falling out and you're tired and emotional and you just want your mum?
But no, she must keep tally and spend exactly as much time with her DH's family at that time?
It's a short period and she's entitled to this while she's feeling vulnerable. Plenty of time for everyone to have their time with the baby when she's feeling a bit stronger.

I've told my DIL should a time come when she has a baby, I 100% understand and support her needing her mum and I'll be whatever she wants or needs as she recovers. If that's being over daily, weekly, monthly, or just photos for a while that's fine by me. I really mean it too.

This time is important for you and the baby, your needs come first, it's not a case of being 'even', it's a case of you being vulnerable after 9 months of pregnancy and a birth.

He’s a baby. Tell him to grow up and it’s not a competition. He can take his children to see his family and give you a break if it’s so important to him

You sound like a lovely MIL.

God, I’m glad DS was born during lockdown. Mum & Dad were my bubble. I didn’t have to put up with anyone else!

Nobody is saying otherwise, doesn’t mean she has to entertain him when she doesn’t want to. Not every grandparent spends exactly the same amount of time with their grandchild as all the others. Nobody should pressure a new mother to entertain against her will

What a horrible comment!

I think your being very selfish, it’s your husband’s baby as much as yours but only you & your family get a look in. I hope you do have 2 sons as you will not get a look in, great way to teach your children about equality. Try seeing this from someone else’s point of view rather than just yours & your mums ie the childs fathers, your building up resentment with him hopefully you see this.

Hers was horrible too. Implying OP isn't 'amazing' like her three DILs. So much for sisterhood.

Op is important too though. It's not about equality, because its not equal. Op has to grow the baby for 9 months, then spend hours giving birth, then recover as she's getting to grips with feeding, and bleeding, and leaking everywhere. Ops husband simply had to ejaculate.

Would you support op inviting her whole family to traipse in and visit if her dh had an invasive and painful medical procedure and he was feeling sore and vulnerable after it?

It's "you're" as in a contraction of you are.
I had my mum over when my first was born as I birthed her. We then had my mother in law who was utterly useless and but DC2 she was consigned to visitor rather than helper and she came less often.
(My dad was also not helpful nor was my FIL so neither came for the first month either).
You give birth: you choose for those first few weeks.

Personally I treated my ILs as I would want to be treated- in the early years I probably had moments I found hard compared to my own mum but the more I did this the less I even noticed our differences and it made us closer and meant a lot to both sides.

I definitely think it's more up to you though - you've been through a huge amount and each family dynamic is so different . Your DH needs to listen to what you need .

@AngeloMysterioso I think it’s about who is able to offer care and support - if it helps you to know, after both of my children’s births I wanted my MIL! I have tricky relationship with my mum, and whilst she definitely visited, it was my MIL who I called in a crisis and who was the person I felt most comfortable with. She remains one of my favourite people and has offered me untold amounts of support in the 20 years I’ve known her.

He didn't grow or birth a baby! It's already not 'fair' so it's mad to expect complete equality on both sides?! YANBU at all. I can't fathom anyone who's had a baby not getting this.

Well really your dh should be stepping up and doing the care part that your Mum seems to be filling for you. I can understand that if you have a close bond with your Mum you’d want her around a lot though, but as a Mum of a son I do wonder if I’m going to end up completely sidelined in this way at some point!

Is he expecting you to invite your FIL when he isn’t there? Does he understand that your family are visiting you as much as your baby?

That is controlling behaviour