To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

Do you even know what prostituting means?
That makes no sense

Perfect - l hope she appreciates how lucky she is xx

Exactly this! I have his parents round every single Tuesday and cook them dinner after work so that they can spend time with our first born. I like to think I make a lot of effort to make sure they feel included but I just find that first month really tough.

You don't need visitors. You need help. It's normal to want your mum. She will look after you and care for you. Instead of arguing about making it fair, your H needs to realise that pregnancy and birth puts a huge strain on a woman physically, emotionally and psychologically. He needs to advocate for you and supporting your needs.

@Freeme31A woman’s own mum - who birthed her, cared for her all her life, when she’s been poorly, her darkest moments, who she can be truly herself with, fully let go, not worry about what she looks like or says, absolutely no awkwardness or pretence - she’s there to see her daughter not just the grandchild. When she goes to visit her new grand baby she notices first the blood stains on the sheets and the pale colour of her daughter’s cheeks. Shes not just there for the baby she’s there for her baby. Who has just given birth, and is sore, feeling emotional, and deserves support and her own ‘safe’ person. A mum should understand that.

Classy response.

There needs to be a middle ground here.

Your mum was there to support you, not have cuddles with the baby. That’s different from the visitors who come less frequently but for longer and sit down for a lot of the time.

How petty is your h? If you mum comes 1 hour a day every day for a week then does that mean hai mum can come 1 hour a day every day for a week or is it ok for her to have one visit for a few hours because she lives further away? I bet he’d rather his mum wasn’t doing housework and got to sit down with a cuppa and cuddle with the baby.

I think it’s fine for you to say instead of every man and his dog visiting, his parents can visit more often instead of the distant relatives- presumably dc1 would prefer the familiarity too. After paternity he can invite others but he needs to do the work and managing of these visits - maternity leave doesn’t mean that you’re available to visit every man and his dog during the week.

Maybe your husband thinks that his Dad can support you with breast feeding and of course hold the baby while you put ice cube packs on your under carriage.
I could understand if it were sleep overs or days out not evenly spread out but really the first few days you should have whoever you feel happiest with.

And why not try seeing it from the point of view of the woman who's given birth; is likely bleeding, sore and possibly struggling to feed? Why is she not allowed to want her mum and dad?? As much as everyone wants to think it, it's not just about the baby. The new mum is a person not an incubator, she is allowed to have feeelings. I think the vast majority of women would want to be looked after by their family and shouldn't be made to feel guilty when they are at their most vulnerable.

My toddler and unborn child are also both boys and I understand how you feel. That’s one of the reasons why I have my in laws round every week and make a lot of effort with them. I just find the first month really tough and know I’ll want my mum around more.

Yeah like hers was. Contributed nothing but to say how peachy her DGC situation was and how 'amazing' her DILs are (unlike OP who is a selfish cow, presumably). OP needs to be cut some slack, not humble bragging and not so subtle digs.

Hate the posters who are giving the op grief. Who cares if you had babies and saw both parents and in-laws equally.

And the posters who have sons who thinks it's unfair too - yes it might be unfair but at the core it's the mum who has final say. Some of these posters sound like they probably are mils from hell.

I get it if the mums being unfair for other reasons, but if it's for privacy; to be able to rest in peace; and be with people close to then then that's their choice. When I had my first, I needed a lot of support and my mum and sisters were great. My mil was also understanding that she'd come when I was ready. Things can be evened out slightly after - I made an effort to travel to her later on. But if my partner put restrictions on me, he also would be on the limited time list after birth and could piss off.

OP do wat you want? You've gone through the pregnancy and will go through the birth so it's up to you! Unless he does the same and grows and pushes out a baby, he can piss off!

I’m more than happy to have his family involved our sons (yes I will have two sons) lives. I have them round every single week and try to see them as much as possible. I just find the first month challenging and know I might want to see my mum more than his family during that time for support with breastfeeding, recovery etc.

Tel him when he’s doing the difficult and dangerous work of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, he can decide who he sees in the first month when he’s still bleeding and his genital wounds are healing.

until then YOU will decide what is most helpful to you in the first few weeks.

I just told my story. It’s not my problem if you don’t feel comfortable with it.

It contributed fuck all to OP other than to (not so) subtly shame her for not being amazing like your DILs.

Is he taking 50% of the care of the baby? Bet he isn't

It makes me so sad that anyone has to ask questions like this. Of course you are entitled to seek support from your mother at such a vulnerable time. It's not realistic for everything to be completely even in terms of number of visits, what a terrible pressure to put on all of you.

Yes I love my DILs very much. They are my family.

Not necessarily. My mum couldn’t have given fewer fucks about me after I had my babies- the first time she saw me after I had DS2 she made three comments about my weight in as many hours. All she wanted to do was sit on the sofa and hold them while I brought her cups of tea and snacks. MIL didn’t let me lift a finger while we were living with them and after DS2 she would come round with food to put in our freezer, she did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, was all around fantastic. I just don’t get this idea that all mums of daughters are a mix of Mother Theresa and Florence Nightingale while mothers of sons are just useless baby hogging space invaders.

You’re not really a very nice person.

Could his parents help out by taking the toddler out for an hour or so, then they are included but in a useful way like your mum is. Your eldest will be really glad of the time with his grandparents as he’ll still get full attention

I love you 🥹🥹🥹

Put your foot down and ask your midwife to support you. He’s being ridiculous.

The postpartum period can be really tough, recovering from a huge ordeal plus looking after a newborn, all the challenges of feeding and lack of sleep.

Your mum will be there to look after you. Some women may have that relationship with in laws too, but many don’t.

Babies don’t change much in those first weeks and they certainly don’t remember anyone other than their mother and main caregivers. They can see the baby once you feel up to it.

My husband is a good guy but I remember being inundated with visitors and having to cater and clean while struggling with breastfeeding and a colicky baby. If I had my time again no way would I have done that.

Nope. I was nicer to OP than you were tonight though. Maybe you'll 'be kind' to someone tomorrow.