To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

Something that struck me when I had my first. After the birth. My Mum said 'I was so worried '. I was like why?. She said my baby was having a baby. Parents never stop worrying whatever your age. You can really get on well with your in laws, but they'll never be your parents.

The baby’s paternal grandparents are not the same as “every man and his dog” OP. You can welcome them whilst making it clear that you don’t want lots of visits from wider family in the first month. There is a middle ground to be had here.

No, funnily enough I don’t think his parents are fussed about everything being even. Of course they want to see the baby but they don’t keep score. With my first born I let all 4 grandparents come to the hospital to meet baby at the same time and I will do that again.

Yanbu
You and the baby aren't a packet of sweets to be "shared out equally"

Yes you should see his family but his priority should be on your wellness and the baby. Not whether or not your mum got 4 hours facetime but his only got 2....

@AngeloMysteriosoWhat? When did I say or even suggest that?

Your mum (and dad) are coming to support you. He needs to get over himself. He didn't give birth, and he can't provide enough support on his own.

Yes, you should invite his parents to see the children, but asking your support people for help when you need it is part of what keeps you healthy. Does he not want you healthy? Is his feeling of fairness more important than your health?

Obviously you want your mum/own family around when you've just given birth. It's normal to want your mum, as you're her baby. She is there to take care of you. There is more pressure to 'entertain' when it's not your own bio family, even if your in laws are lovely. I would still feel an unconscious pressure to be looking after them, and I certainly wouldn't want in laws seeing me cry whilst struggling with breastfeeding, or bleeding lochia through my PJ bottoms. Birth is a major medical event and should be treated as such. Chances are you'd want your own mum after pretty much any other major surgery or medical event.

It's a short period. OP clearly wants her in laws involved and makes an effort. Keeping tally of who comes and for how long is ridiculous. If Op's husband had given birth, he would want his own parents too. Yes it's both their baby, but the husband isn't the one who has just gone through 9 months of bodily changes and birth.

Also the onus shouldn't constantly be on daughter in laws to include the in laws. Too many men cba to make the effort with their own parents, yet the wife gets the blame (not in this case, where Op's husband clearly is keen to have his parents involved!)

First time around I went through the same process - my Mum came to look after me and spent days waiting on me hand and foot. My late MIL turned up to stay the following week and expected to take control of the baby whilst I waited on her. She was not invited back for my second or third and was pretty frosty from then on. Stick to your guns and make clear what you need in the early weeks - it should not be some sort of quota system.

What a lovely post. you sound like an amazing MIL. I only have DS and when he ever has children I will remember your post and say the same to my DIL.

I had a really tough time BFing my first but it was a lot easier second time around. I needed my mum AND dad and I couldn’t care less about some tally chart of who has seen baby more.

Your DH is being a petty, controlling twat.

Man baby twat!!

What is it with these guys?? Its only once a woman has a baby that their really shit side comes out??

You're mum is looking after you, not just having baby snuggles and I bet every other visitor is expecting to be waited on with tea and whatnot!!

Awful man!!

Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I can’t understand why anyone would think you are being unreasonable to feel this way.

The benefit of your mum cooking your dinner or doing your washing is negated if you then have to host the in-laws to stop them getting jealous that your mum saw the baby whilst she was there helping you out.

My in laws have always been incredibly helpful and have seen our kids at least weekly since they were born. But the person I ring expecting them to drop everything and help me out when I’m struggling and need a hand is my own mum 99% of the time because I don’t care as much if she sees me at my worst. She probably saw the grandkids a smidgen more in the early years but that’s just life.

Did you have a big bowl of pissy-O’s this morning or something did being so rude to someone make you feel better??

If you were proposing leaving the others out or not having them at all then YABU.

But if they’re still coming round but without some odd tally chart system whereby every hour is dished out equally then YANBU.

If they ask to come and it’s convenient, they come. If you are struggling and choose to reach out to your own mum then that’s entirely your prerogative!!

She was throwing useless shade. It made me feel bad for OP.

Er- when you said “A woman’s own mum - who birthed her, cared for her all her life, when she’s been poorly, her darkest moments, who she can be truly herself with, fully let go, not worry about what she looks like or says, absolutely no awkwardness or pretence - she’s there to see her daughter not just the grandchild. When she goes to visit her new grand baby she notices first the blood stains on the sheets and the pale colour of her daughter’s cheeks. Shes not just there for the baby she’s there for her baby. Who has just given birth, and is sore, feeling emotional, and deserves support and her own ‘safe’ person.”

Bullshit. My mum was very much there for the baby, the only thing she noticed about me was that I still had “a bit of a tummy”. Sometimes “a woman’s own mum” is none of the wonderful marvellous things you describe.

Your future DIL’s recovery from birth is not about you. If you want to be included be a kind and useful MIL when the time comes!

Crikey - who keeps score on this stuff? What a man child he is.

I was exactly the same. My Mum moved in for a few weeks. I think it’s different with your own Mum. I wasn’t embarrassed to breast feed in front of her or try to work out why DD wasn’t latching on. She helped with housework and I was comfortable with her seeing me at my worst.

MIL just insisted on being waited on if she ever came over even though I had a section for both. She would bring additional, unexpected visitors along with her too.

A mum feels very vulnerable post partum for lots of different reasons and you need the people around you who you feel most comfortable with, not the people who stress you out.

But it's not about meeting or holding the baby

It's about helping the OP

The pressure your husband is putting you under may lead to you need to set stricter boundaries with visitors than you otherwise would’ve.

This … he should be careful about the situation he’s creating

OP you will have just given birth, your comfort and recovery are most important. I would argue the real issue here is your husband not recognising that and not ensuring visitors are either kept to a minimum or are a bit useful. I like my FIL a lot but I couldn’t express or sit around in my pyjamas in front of him or just have a bit of a cry or whatever - postpartum is a rollercoaster! It’s bizarre your husband is so hellbent on equal time with a newborn, that’s not when the bonding and relationship develops!

This is a new baby and a very vulnerable mother, not a fun new toy that everyone gets to take turns with. Your in-laws will have years to get to know their grandchild, and the best way they can lay the foundation for a close relationship with them, and you, is to respect your wishes when you are going through this really tough time. Wishing you the best of luck in laying down those boundaries OP.

You’re healing and your mum is looking after you. If his parents are doing the same then it’s fair they have ‘equal access’… but ultimately, you’re the one who has just birthed a child!