To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

Which is likely because you treat your DIL's well. Not just expect to be waited on.

My MiL is amazing, but that's because she treated me like a person who'd just gone through a major medical procedure rather than a brood mare expected to hand over her newborn.

It may be a lot easier this time - I had issues breastfeeding my first but second was a doddle.

of course he wants his family to come when he’s off work, it’s going a bit far to demand equal but I see his point

I did the same as you with my first baby and it wore me out my second baby a midwife told me only people your close enough to come round and get into bed with you should come. My sister in law came round and literally got into bed with me and my baby and it was perfect, (we are close enough for that to happen). That’s my rule now, if you’re not close enough for them to sleep next to you, they’re not coming through the door when you have a newborn. I was a lot happier then second time. Your husband needs to understand that fairness/equal doesn’t always mean exactly the same.

It’s nothing to do with fairness
I wanted my mum and my sisters and that’s what I got
With full support of DH

I was clear with my husband before the birth of our son. My parents would be there upon our arrival home from hospital. So that my dad could control our over excited dog (no one else is strong enough besides me and hubby).

His sister could visit the day after, then other than my DSS (on his normal days to visit) i wanted at least a week to settle in as a family of 3/4.

It worked really well and we actually ended up being in a little family bubble for about 2 weeks. I fully recommend strict visiting rules in the early days for your own sanity.

Everyone was happy to work with us and wait for us to settle in. Even my sister didnt come for 3 weeks but she was undergoing cancer treatment at the time so totally understandable.

I would want the same as you OP, I totally agree. You should have your family over whenever you want and if your DH wants his family round let him facilitate that. Don't feel like you have to host. Put that time to good use, have some time to yourself, pop round your mums etc.

Yanbu.

Tell him when he is at home, coping with no sleep, liquid nappies, colic, bleeding nipples and a third degree tear, he can decide who comes to visit and how long they can stay.

Until that happens, it is none of his concern. His family can visit when he is there and he can entertain them.

Otherwise he can bugger off back to work and keep his stupid 'decisions' to himself.

FFS, men !!

Yes, I do know that bit. And for the last two months of my first pregnancy and the first 6 weeks we had DS1, DH and I were actually living with his parents, so I had to tackle all that and everything else with them around 24/7. They couldn’t have been more supportive, and are still very involved and fantastic in laws and grandparents, and now I’m really glad that they got that chance to form such a strong bond with DS and also with me. This idea that the father’s parents and family must be kept at arms length if not further in the early days, and the assumption that they will be nothing but demanding and/or useless and unhelpful is just so sad.

The pressure your husband is putting you under may lead to you need to set stricter boundaries with visitors than you otherwise would’ve. That would be a shame, but if it was me, and I was being pressured in a way that sounds childish and lacking in empathy, then I might feel I had no choice. For example, it might be necessary to have no visitors other than people who directly support you and whom you explicitly choose, for the first month. Obviously everyone in the family will want to share in the joy of a new baby, but you, your baby and your recovery must come first, so if it can’t be done on sensible terms that show a bit of basic respect for what you have endured and continue to endure in the early weeks after birth, then it might just have to be no to everyone who isn’t in your immediate and select support network.

When he gives birth to a human being he can decide.
Of course you want your mum after giving birth, she’s your mum and there for you too - not just the baby!

Haven't RTFT but you are both parents to the baby, why should your Mum see the baby more than his family? I find these threads so strange, I saw my PIL when I got home with my first (looking after dog) and when I got home with my second (looking after 1st!) and it was lovely. Travelled to visit my father the following day. Of course he wants his family to be as involved with the baby as your family!

I think we should have more respect for the postpartum period and the needs of a new mother. It's only a short time.

If my DS goes on to have his own children I hope I'm not as needy as the "waaaahhhh but equal grandparents" brigade.

What a mental comment.

She's not talking about forever, and she's not even saying his family won't see the baby, either.

She's simply talking about those early weeks when she's still feeling vulnerable and not 100% up to it. It's reasonable to not want to be surrounded by people all the time. Especially if those people aren't the most helpful, either.

The notion that she must keep a tally of every time her dad drops around to make sure she evens things up with her DH's family is ludicrous.

He can do one. You need support from people close to you. That is more than likely to be your parents.

Maybe try and explain to him there are different roles?

So your mum comes to help you - one role
Your mum comes to see baby - another role.

The seeing the baby should be even but the extra support your parents offer is separate. Not to be held in a tit for tat.

Also at the point he is birthing a baby and nourishing a baby he can have more of a say. You, as someone else said, are not an exhibition for people to be wheeled in and out of.

I have a DIL and I totally understand there are points where she just wants her Mum.

OP I'm with you here and had very similar experiences with my DH. It's an incredibly vulnerable time and it's totally normal to want to be around your mum more (especially if she's helpful).

As others have said, it isn't forever, it's just in those really weeks where you feel like your insides are going to come out, it hurts to pee and you wanna die a little but you can't because you've got a newborn (and another child now!) to contend with - you should protect your space for as long as you need to and you shouldn't feel guilty about it either!

I get what others say about how it would feel if your future DIL had the same thoughts, but I like to think that as women, we'd bloody support each other in that crazy hard time (especially as we've all gone through it!!) and you'd realise that it isn't about you, be a supportive MIL and remember it's not forever!

Great for you but not her because she doesn't feel that way. She wants her mum. She wins.
Honestly everyone on here thinking only their experience is the right one. She doesn't have to put herself through uncomfortable shit for anyone, not even Mothers of Boys.

I have always gone with the rule to treat both sides equally in the sense that both sides learn about the pregnancy and access to baby etc at the same time. However, my in laws also know to help out when they come over to visit. It is also because I help them out when I visit them as well (e.g. if we stay over, I offer to do dishes, take turns cooking, take them out for a meal etc).

Discuss with your husband whoever plans on coming over from both sides should offer to help with something during first month. Either some chores or drop food off.

I think sometimes people forget how absolutely awful the post partum period is. I had my second child recently and even though it’d only been a couple of years I’d forgotten the absolute misery of it. The pain when you sit down, the breast pain, the nipple pain (separate to the breast pain), the exhaustion, the leaking, the weird smells, but worst of all the “baby blues” which are absolutely crushing imo.

Having a baby is about more than the baby. It’s awful for the woman and you deserve support. Youre not a vessel ffs. Your recovery matters.

@Mischance Then he should summon up a few ounces of backbone and protect his wife, who will be trying to recover from childbirth.

It's not strange when you actually frame it as OP has - it's not so her mum can see the baby more, it's so she can support her daughter who has said she struggled last time physically and emotionally.

It's actually great that OP feels able to admit she had a hard time - far too many pretend they are fine when they are not and absolutely should be leaning on whoever they need to, for a lot of us those first few weeks are such a shock.

If OP needs her mum, she needs her mum. She shouldn't also be worrying about trying to 'even it up' whilst recovering from birth.

Your DH is a fucking moron

Are his relatives even fussed about being invited round that often?

If they didn't know how often your family were visiting, would they give the frequency of their own visits a second thought?

The relationship between a child and their grandparents is, like every other relationship, a marathon and not a sprint.

Unless you live equidistant from both sets of grandparents and their circumstances are exactly the same, there will always be differences. What matters is that they all love the child and want to be a part of their life.

Ha, I like that idea!

I gave birth during lockdown so mostly avoided all this - I mean it was shit in its own way but I do remember even at the time thinking ‘well at least I’m not having to tidy up and make tea for visitors’.

I also struggled with breastfeeding- just never produced any milk despite torturing myself trying, was slipping into PNA and sobbed through every midwife visit to a point where she insisted I get someone from my support network round, lockdown be damned and send anyone who complained about it to her. My sister was round that afternoon and she helped so so much (DH was a fantastic support too but I think we were both going under a bit at that point). I honestly couldn’t have coped with my in-laws at that point, I just couldn’t. They’re nice enough people but so far from being people I could bleed and sob and get my useless boobs out in front of. It probably wasn’t ‘fair’ but there we go. They have an incredibly close relationship to DD now so I don’t think it did lasting harm.

You birthed your Mum? Sorry, couldn't resist 😂

For what it's worth, my mum didn't meet my son until he was 2 months old and the rest of the family didn't meet him until he was 4 months old. (COVID baby and I live abroad.)

My in laws live round the corner and had already babysat for him before my parents even got their first look in.

Both sets of grandparents have their own, lovely relationship with him.