To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

Depends on how helpful they are

That's what she wants her mum for

If I could laugh react to your useless shitty comments I would. I’m not sure what your problem is but whatever it is it’s not @Kitkykiry’s fault go park your attitude somewhere else.

As a mum of boys I also hate these threads, can you honestly say that if in 25 years time your son told you he’d like you to visit your new grandchild but his wife had said no that you’d be fine with that?
Even if it means explaining that your not up for hosting and his family make there own cups of tea and what not.. you could also use the opportunity to have a couple of hours sleep then yes I think your husband should have the same opportunity to let his family meet his baby.

There will be people coming round to visit because they are a grandparent or a friend or a brother etc but fundamentally your mother is your mother and she’s there to support and look after you. It’s an entirely different relationship. Could you say to your FIL that your nipples hurt and could he check them and see if there isn’t any mastitis? I suspect not. Ask your husband that. Everyone apart from your mother and perhaps MIL (depend depending on relationship ) is likely to be a burdensome visitor.

I agree with you.

Ignore curtaintwitcher78 she’s got a massive chip on her shoulder about something and she’s decided to take it out on you for reasons only known to her.

@AngeloMysterioso I’m commenting on a thread where the poster is talking about her mum who clearly she has a special bond with. The advice is for her. I’m not referring to every single mum on the planet, obviously.

Tell your husband that you expect his family to provide the same support as your Mum then. If your Mum turns up and cooks dinner then his Dad needs to do the same. If he wants everything to be equal then it has to work both ways.

I'll park it where I want.

Try to think about the scenario from the point of view of the person who has undergone a MASSIVE MEDICAL EVENT.

it’s not about relatives seeing the baby. It’s about the one time the mother comes first. She has undergone an enormously emotional and physical time and she needs everyone to sit the fuck down and think of her and not themselves for a few weeks.

Wish there were more MIL like you.

My DMIL also via her son, my DH, also said she wanted even contact with my DM. I put a stop to it as it was getting ridiculous with them just turning up whenever. My DM would help so much more around the house and emotional support to me. DMIL or DFIL never lifted a finger, expected cups of teas to be made for them and not once offered to change a nappy. Those first few months are about you as the baby is an extension of you.

I think it is important that his family are included and invited round too but I think it is ridiculous to be so set on it being exactly even.

Being a nice person is free, but that appears to be far too steep of a cost for you.

they probably don't want to see you either - they want to meet their grandchild,
H is on paternity leave - he can look after the children, entertain his family, you can have a rest.

If everyone reads the posts it’s very clear both families are going to be involved as much as they want to be, but that for the first month when she’s struggling she might just need her own mum more. That’s it.

Your husband is only thinking of the exciting newborn baby side of giving birth, he's not thinking of the woman who has just gone through it. It's not about restricting access to the baby, it's about what you're comfortable with, and there's a short period of time where you and the baby basically come as a package, so it impacts visiting time. When you've stopped hurting/crying/bleeding/leaking and are ready for non intimate visitors, FIL is welcome. But until then you get to set limits.
My PIL were lovely, but were all caught up in the new baby excitement, they didn't think of me. I remember being in the sitting room while they were visiting crying down the phone to my mum because the breastfeeding was going so badly. I didn't want them there in that moment. I wanted my mum, to help me.
PIL need reminding. And the good ones won't mind. They'll know in the first week or two their role might be to pop in and admire the baby, drop off some shopping, and take the toddler out to the park to give you a break.

If your mum is turning up and helping plus providing emotional support then I think she has every right to be there more tbh. Everyone else can come and have a cuddle and go. I saw more of the people who were helping and supporting me through the first few weeks. It seems silly tallying up everyone’s visits really making things fair. Do you both really have time for that when you have a child at home plus a new baby? Don’t add stress. Honestly if you’re not up for a visit from a relative that is there for a cuddle just say so.

She didn't say forever. She said for support in the first days/weeks. Its totally normal when you're vulnerable like that to want your own family to support you.

And you think paternal grandparents are incapable of this?

How about you trying to see that this is the one time the woman comes first. She has undergone a massive emotional and physical event and you want her to be thinking about everyone else?? Fuck me. Even after giving BIRTH a woman is supposed to put others first? Shame on you and your selfish attitude.

Christ alive. Telling a woman who has given birth to stop being selfish and thinking about other. I weep for women. Their needs don’t even come first WHEN THEY HAVE JUST GIVEN BIRTH. So I guess that means her needs and wants NEVER come first in that case.

He is being ridiculous.

Incapable of what?

@AngeloMysteriosoyou’re taking this personally with no reason to. If the OP painted a picture like your own where she felt closer/ more comfortable with her MIL she would be as entitled to say she wanted to see her MIL more.

I maintain that goes the same for the person I was replying to. OP is in a right state and she comes along and says basically "Oh I can't identify with this because I'm wonderful and my DILs are amazing and you're making a mistake, because you're not amazing". It was only serving to kick someone who was down. Besides, OP did and will again have all grandparents at the hospital the baby is born so it really was pointless what she was saying. If you couldn't see the shade she was throwing then yes, you are nicer more innocent person than me, but I found it very rude.

Let's be honest. Husbands sides often just want to see the baby. Your family want to check your Ok and see the baby. My husband understood this fact and set boundaries with his parents accordingly. Plus when you're sore and highly emotional all you want is your Mom. You have a DH problem he needs to understand when your vulnerable it's your own Mom who cares for you. It's not about fairness it's about making sure his wife is looked after. Of course they want to see the baby but it won't be "fair" as it's only natural your mom will be there more.