To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

You kind of were though, when you started your ridiculously pithy, hyperbole-laden guff with “a woman’s own mum”. You didn’t say OP’s mum. Meanwhile the paternal grandmothers are “just there for the baby” and apparently barely give a crap about the person who just gave birth to it.

Make sure FIL helps with latching, brings fresh maternity pads and makes you dinner, he needs to take his turn too to make it even

If you had a daughter I think you'd feel differently. And your daughter in law might be happy for you to come over and if she isnt there could be valid reason like having a couple of days to get over a birth. Yh it might not be great but you'd have to suck it up.

And other posters are right in that the woman's mum's main priority is looking after her daughter who has just given birth whereas the other side want to see the baby. And there's nothing wrong with that - it's natural. Also these men inviting their families over can be useless (not always) and it ends up being the woman, who's just given birth, to welcome their family and host etc. Things can be evened out later on but at the start people will have to suck it up.

The priority is the woman's and babies health and comfort and not who gets to see it first. Christ you hate threads like this and I hate comments like yours.

It is not a game with a tally. To MIL all DILs are baby incubators, who give birth to DC that can only look like her side of the family 😂, to my own parents I was their darling child who had a baby and they were also interested in me as a person.
As it happened we didn’t have any of them to visit for a few weeks while we settled in to life as a family of 3.

But absolutely no tolerance for any point scoring nonsense here, nor any Christmas rotas nor other similar bullshit about who spends more time with the baby.

You OP will have given birth and you deserve to be prioritised.

You're pushing the baby out of your body op.....you get to decide who you do and don't see in those first weeks your recovering. And need your rest
Until he gives birth he needs to agree to what you say good luck

In the first couple of months if the mother of the newborn wants her mother there to help then that is what she should have. I had my mum and dad after my first and then my MIL came to visit. She was an enormous help and we really bonded. But if I wanted my mum she would have understood completely.

I love my MIL - all of her daughters in law do - because she would have told DS he needed to cop himself on if he had come up with such a scheme for me and his child.

I'm trying to imagine the meanspiritedness of a man who when talking about the birth of his child is coming up with a system where he "docks" time from his wife's father if he comes over to see her or awards time to his father as a result. You know who isn't actually part of his concern here? His wife.

Like a pp said if a woman can't put her needs first just after birth when can she? The OP apparently needs to prioritise her fil in those first 2 hard months. fucking hell.

I hate these threads. I have four girls. They saw their other grandparents as much as my mum and dad.

If you have boys will you be happy with not seeing their children?

Cannot stand these comments where people suggest the mum sleeps while they all enjoy her baby and drink tea. No thank you. I wanted my baby close to me, not being passed around relatives.

Everyone is excited to see a new baby and at the same time both of you are wrecked tired and so everything comes out as a tug of war. Try to figure it out together without it becoming something that can drive a wedge and make things more fraught- neither of you need it and you both deserve to have your family about

Exactly this.

Everyone is entitled to see baby. But you are not a bloody host. He's the equal parent.

Wow, how unnecessary as and immature 🫣

I think mil can be treated very unfairly. They are grandparents to the baby and parent to one half of the baby makers. Why shouldn’t they see the baby? Boys mums get treated really badly . think on if you have a son

is He controlling in other areas of your life?

😂😂😂😂 your the only person who took it that way stop trying to find tits on an ant.

But the whole point is it's not about how you feel.

That first week or two are about the safety, recovery and bonding of new mother and child.

Literally, everyone else can wait a week or two.

@AngeloMysterioso it’s not ridiculously pithy, hyperbole-laden guff to me, but thank you for your input. I’m sorry you had different experiences.

And his family can see the baby when her DP is at home. But the OP has every right to spend her maternity leave as she wishes and if that’s with her family than that’s up to her. When I was on maternity leave I saw my mum more during the week and my mil at the weekend which was facilitated by my husband. When the children were around 8 months old and on bottle milk I used to send them with my husband to his mother, she really only wanted to see them and my husband anyway and it gave me a few hours break. My mil is a wonderful grandmother and gets to spend lots of time with the children but we don’t spend as much time together and that’s fine by me and her. No hard feelings on either side.

You do not need to see anyone if you don’t want to!! Post partum is a time for nesting and bonding and not a time for entertaining which some people think. If your mum is who you want then your mum is who you get. End of. Paternity leave isn’t a holiday, he should be stepping up and doing everything else to make you more comfortable. I hate the tradition of having visitors after a baby. I basically saw nobody for 4 weeks after the birth of our second. Couldn’t be doing with it. I’m the mother of a boy and will definitely understand this if he ever chooses to have a baby.

It’s hard not to take it personally when you see comment after comment suggesting that paternal grandparents only care about babies, only want to be waited on, never do anything to help while maternal grandparents can be welcomed with open arms because they aren’t incapable of caring about anything other than the baby. As someone who is only ever going to be a paternal grandmother, yeah, that shit stings.

sitting the fuck down and thinking of her and not themselves for a few weeks.

Does he understand that giving birth is a major medical event that takes months to recover from, and your mum is coming over to SUPPORT YOU at your most vulnerable, not to see the baby. If he is wanting to do tit for tat then maybe tell him you'll record all his families visits, and ensure that if he ever has any kind of medical episode or operation, your family come and bother him for equal amount of time while you're trying to recover.

I get he wants to build relationships etc but the first few weeks won't make any difference to anything so as long as its equal when the kids are older, he can surely give you a few weeks grace while you recover.

If they do come round I'd be asking them to entertain your older child

Wow! Nasty

Imagine how you will feel if or when he becomes a father and you are completely left out.

Your mum wants to come and see her baby. It's not at all comparable to him wanting his family round.

Of course you want to see your mum at this time and that trumps the in laws. I say that as the mother of 2 sons ( no daughters) who furthermore lost her mum before having children. I missed her badly after DS1 was born. Instinctively I resented my MIL. Not nice but there it is.