To want to see my mum more than DH’s relatives after the birth of our baby

[stardust1994]

I’m curious as to what everyone else’s view on this is. After the birth of our first child I had a difficult time with breastfeeding and was generally quite emotional. I really turned to my mum at this time to support me through it and as a result she would pop round most days for an hour or so in the early weeks. My DH thought it was unfair that his family weren’t seeing the baby as often as my family, in particular my mum, and put a lot of pressure on me to make sure things were even. This led to me having every man and his dog visit our house to see the baby during his month long paternity leave. On reflection I really didn’t enjoy the time so I want to do things differently with our second born that it due in July.

I’ve tried to set his expectations that realistically I may want to see more of my mum than his family in the early weeks. That’s not to say I don’t want his family to see the baby but it’s just that I’m much more likely to want to mum around than others. This is because my mum shows up to look after me, not just to cuddle the baby like everyone else. He’s now said it’s fine for my mum to come more frequently than others but other relatives must be even.. so for example, my dad should only see the baby the same amount as his dad. I think it’s frankly a bit unreasonable to want things to be absolutely even. Of course I want everyone to be involved but it’s tricky when my parents live closer than his parents and it stresses me out that if my mum comes over to cook me dinner or something and happens to bring my dad then that means I then have to invite his dad round to “even things out”.

I want both our children to have good relationships with their grandparents but ultimately I don’t think these are formed in the first month of life and I’m worried my DH will put unreasonable pressure on me at a time when I’m recovering from birth, navigating breastfeeding (which was a car crash last time) and feeling quite emotional.

Interested to hear everyone’s thoughts..

I would put them to work then if they want to come round as much as your mum they can bloody vacuum dust cooked meals and generally make themselves useful not hold the baby and watch you do all of those things.
I would ensure that your husband outlines those expectations before they pop round

What does your DH do in facilitating his extended family seeing grandchildren? Does he muck in with the weekly dinners?

Aw, husband thinks his baby is a time share and his wife needs no help with her recovery.

Your mom is coming around as a carer, to help with breastfeeding and personal care as well as help in the home. You don't have the same relationship and comfort level with his mom and as you're the one giving birth and wanting assistance, he can suck it up.

When he gives birth, he can have his mom over to do the same kind of caregiving.

Husband is way out of line. That fourth trimester isn't for grandparent bonding. It's for your physical recovery, establishing parental bonds and getting breastfeeding going. You need your mom's support for that.

You are the one who has given birth and will be recovering from it, and the one who will need looking after. He is meant to be part of that looking after so should be glad your Mum is helping out with what is basically his job.

His family aren’t a support to you, so they don’t get to come as much in the early days. Simple as that. Even if that’s just how you feel and they’d be willing to.

There’s the whole rest of the baby’s life for things to be “even” - these weeks are about what you want.

I’m a mum to both a boy and a girl. If my dd ever has a baby, it would be perfectly understandable that she may want me to support her in those early days more than her MIL.

If I am ever lucky enough to have a DIL, I would fully expect her to want her mum during those vulnerable times.

Because it is about supporting the woman in this, not baby cuddles.

She has no intention of making them feel like an inconvenience.

It's just her husband being a twat

Do you struggle with comprehension?

The OP hasn't said or implied any of this

Please read her posts -carefully

It’s normal for a woman to want her mum after giving birth. But don’t leave your DHs parents out.

A child needs as many people as possible to love him/her. 😊

I was just suggesting something that may help to alleviate the stress this may be causing.

I am not a mil I just don’t think acting as if other family especially mothers cannot provide a supportive village to you and you family.

and making your partner feel their family is ostracised and referring to them as all and sundry is unnecessarily hostile.

most people would use visiting family to distract rhetorical other child and go with SH to the park etc. rather than just choosing to butt heads

but each to their own. That’s why so many on here no friends or meaningful relationships with their wider families and haven’t had a free evening for a decade. Unnecessarily hostile when you could choose to be in community with others.

100% agree with you OP. I’m surprised at the “but it’s his baby too” comments. For the first few weeks it shouldn’t be about the baby, it should be about you and your recovery, mood, feelings and well being should be prioritised. Why do people need to see a newborn in the first few weeks anyway? There is literally nothing to see. A newborn wants to be snuggled with its mum, who it has been attached to for 9 months. I will be having my second baby soon and after grandparents have visited in the first week (mainly to keep the peace) I won’t be having anyone else other than my mum who will be popping in to keep the house ticking over and who I know won’t judge and won’t expect to sit holding the baby all day.

You know, one day you will be an in-law. I wonder how you will feel if your DIL thinks you are 'gawping' at her when you go to visit your grandchildren. They are the OP's partner's children as much as hers, and her in-law's grandchildren and much as thye are the grandchildren of her parents. Do you think her mother and father are there to 'gawp.' What a vile thing to say.

OP, I understand that it isn't practical to make things totally 'even' but do your best to understand your DH's point of view - it's his child and his parents' grandchild as much as it is your child and your parents' grandchild. Acknowledge that, note that 'evens' is fair but tricky in a practical sense and talk to your mum so maybe she doesn't bring your dad every time.

My PILs stayed with us as DH couldn't take leave. They were really helpful. MIL did washing, kept up with housework and cooked meals. FIL kept busy doing the shopping, garden and walking the dog. My parents were the visitors!

Pack your bags and move back in with your mum for the first month. Then his family can visit your house as much as they like and spend time with ‘their baby’ without getting in your way ;)

It's a baby, not a toy. There is no equal access ot being fair. She needs her mum to support her. It doesn't matter if MIL or FIL get less time. I don't remember being a newborn and I don't think the fact that I was shown to some family more than others has affected my life or theirs. MIL had precious newborn time with her own son. It's not about her now.

By that logic, I should have had all the support in the world with my in-laws with my first but that definitely didn’t happen no matter that they were first family to meet him.

I was uncomfortable around them the whole time because I had never been alone with them nor had they shown much interest in me until I was pregnant, didn’t ask much about my family or upbringing despite me trying to get to know them, but I grinned and beared it against my own comfort and mental health because they are DH’s family.

What he hadn’t said was that they would by staying in our home and we only had one bathroom. I thought they were staying in a hotel.

Sharing one bathroom with three other adults, two of them having IBS and being asked to hurry up in my own shower because I had been in there for longer than 5 minutes (only five minutes showers in their own home) was not helpful whatsoever. I have never stopped them from bonding with their grandchildren. I bent over backwards for years and just dropped it.

How many times have they offered to have our children for a few hours, none. DH has always has to ask. My own mother who I had a contentious relationship with for years and only see once a year was more help than they were. So much help that when we were pregnant with our second, he wanted to have her be the exception to the two week of no guests in our home we were putting in place. It was me that said no out of fairness. She and my father both offer to watch ours every time they come to visit and they live 4,000 miles away.

I'm actually appalled at telling a postpartum woman to hurry up in her own shower. That's the best part of the day lol

@stardust1994 I'm not a mother and too old for kids now. But I'm astonished at the posters who ARE mothers and can't seem to understand why a woman who goes through an intense medical and life-changing experience might want the support of her own mum in the first few months as she adapts to all the new changes.

?? Well no because she’s not sis that. She said has them round weekly to see her other child so I assume not.

and no one is suggesting you have to be alone with them. DH can entertain them with the baby and mum can have some time to herself.

you don’t have to socialise with them constantly fathers are individual autonomous being who should able to parent independently even more than one child.

OP hasn’t suggested that her DH is incompetent or his family are rancid witches. She want her own which is fair but visitors don’t have to see everyone. They can see who they came to see and leave. You can say hello or be indisposed and have a nap.

none of this is as difficult as everyone is making it seem

Your husband is being an insensitive, childish dick!

Tell him that when he's the one pushing a human out of his body, he can call the shots. Until then, what helps you & baby the most, is what will be happening.

Idiot.

Do you not feel able to turn to your dh for support, is he useless in the early days.

I don't think you read her posts.

But you don't know that the op's husband is supportive like that. Surely it depends on the person. My parents in law have been really difficult and my husband agrees they are in fact he is much more upset with their behaviour since our baby was born. If they were helpful and supportive and respectful then the op would be much less adverse to them being there I'm sure!

Does your husband respect your feelings on other things?

I'm just wondering how you will manage to police this equal time for all ...
Will you have a stop watch..will you ask people to leave once their hourly slot is up.?
Your DH is being ridiculous. Let him be doorkeeper and timekeeper.
You have enough to do manage the new one and the wee one