Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

It was 2 years ago. Don't break up your family over this. What exactly did he do? Divorce is very hard and if you have children you will have a relationship with DH for many years. If this is a frequent issue then a rethink is needed. I know someone who did a lot worse than made a pass at someone and they covered it up. However the couple are still happily married so surely it's best to move on.
….

He has looked elsewhere hoping for sex and chose her sister! How humiliating for the op! Your reply is telling her to forget about her self esteem and allow herself to be disrespected. Just awful of you.

Most likely thing I think , if she had said yes is OPS husband would start an affair…
I wouldn't like if he was my husband ..

Anyway OP , you’ve decided to give him a chance , everyone giving out yards & yards on this is not helpful to you …
I do hope things work out for you & you need your mom & sister , best of luck with it all x

I have come across this sort of behaviour so often and it is incredibly disappointing: Women get angry with family members who had the best of intentions, while husband who is the cause of all the trouble, gets let off the hook. Absolutely appalling.

Not in this case. The sister and mum were misguided, not untrustworthy. That accolade goes to DH.

Yep. My sympathies are now entirely with the sister. You've proved her right. She was clearly going to get the blame whatever she did.

me and me.

I would urge you to let your family off the hook. When it comes to family members’ relationships i was always told that it is best to stay out of it unless asked to intervene. It takes a lot of discipline to do this, but it is usually best to allow a family members relationship to run its course.

Your sister and by extension, your mother were only put in this position by your revolting husband. Your sister is the victim. Whilst her withholding the information and how she eventually told you might not be the best, none of this would have happened if not for your husband.
I think you have your priorities skewed here OP.

This.

I doubt this is going to end well, if I were you I would choose my mum and sister rather than the sleaze bag of a husband who has put you in this position. He knew what he was doing and ultimately relied on the knowledge that your sister would then be in such a difficult position.

Dont kid yourself it’s for the children, it’s just easier for the moment but will wreck your brain.

Family is obviously very important to you. It is not so important to your husband, he caused all of this.

I just wanted to wish you well and hope you work it out with your sister and mother.

Husband is totally to blame here... it was his actions that put everybody else in this situation. Sister and mother may not have done the right thing, but were trying to. Don't blame them, they didn't start it all off.

You need to be careful you don't lose your family for the sake of a relationship with a disgusting sleaze.

Stop wasting your life @Emily877 . If he is trying to crack on with your sister and making crude remarks then what do you think he's doing with other women? You can't trust him with your family so who can you trust him with? I think you should find a solicitor, book a free consultation and get some advice/ information. Impower yourself with the knowledge you need tobmore forward with your life.

I would be furious if my family were keeping secrets like this from me. I understand that you feel you need a bit of space. However, I wouldn't take that space physically at the moment. I wonderbof your husband is being very calculated and trying to isolate you from your family. If he's trying to purposefully cause a rift. I think you'd be better to tell them that you know that they love you and didnt want to tell you because they knew you'd feel hurt but you'd prefer to know and don't want secrets between you moving forward. You are going to need your families support.

OP have you really thought this through?

Your husband was willing and eager to have sex with your own sister. The only reason he didn’t fuck her - fuck your own sister- was because she said no. I couldn’t live with a sleeze like that.

If you are prepared to stay with this man you simply cannot punish your sister and your mum as your current actions have proved their decision to have been absolutely correct.

As you are staying, in order to keep your sanity, you will have to make sure you don’t introduce him to female friends, he doesn’t have a job where he has to stay overnight, he doesn’t have female colleagues, he isn’t left alone with female relatives and he must give you the password and unlimited access to his phone. None of this is normal or healthy.

You will live an exhausting and paranoid existence because he is a sneaky morally corrupt shite and you will need to keep an eye on him for the rest of your life. And your family will all hate him. And you probably hate him too.

For the sake of your children, you should end it. This is grim. They’ll probably find out at some point. Then they’ll know you put herself last and lived with a revolting creep ‘for them.’ If they’re female, they’ll repeat what you have and put up and shut up, if they’re males they’ll treat women with no respect, like you allow your revolting husband to do.
you are internally deflecting blame to your mum and your sister who was a victim, to avoid thinking about how grim your husband is.

Your husband groped your sister and has been completely inappropriate to her more than once.

Your response? Keep the husband but ditch the sister. Nice! Talk about victim blaming. I hope your sister votes with her feet and keeps herself safe from this absolute scumbag.

Your poor kids.

This. If I were your sister I would seriously just go FU at this point, and if I were your mum I would support the sister. And I would not necessarily forgive you once you see the light.

@Emily877
ironically, your post at 8am this morning is PRECISELY why they didn’t tell you. With the information you have dismissed your husbands behaviour and blamed them. So there would have been no value telling you.

Your poor mother and sister. It's disappointing you have sided with your pervy husband. Why do you need space from them but not the disgusting husband who has caused this drama. If my husband done this to my sister I certainly wouldn't be behaving like you. I'd understand why they kept the information back but make sure they told me everything in future straight away. No keeping things aside to protect my feelings

I actually can't believe you need space from them but not him. Absolutely unbelievable. If I were them I'd be distancing myself from you and your vile husband.

Ah. 'For the children'. It'll be so nice for them to realise later that the reason the relationship between mummy, aunty and granny is so strained is 'for them'. Do you REALLY think this is in your children's best interests? To grow up in a household where mummy is isolated and watchful and daddy is a sleaze? Where all the adults around them are walking on eggshells?

Wake up.

Your husband will treat your 'final warning' as a memo to try harder to keep it quiet, i.e. he'll play away from home a bit further away.

Don't isolate yourself from your sister and mother. They feared this exact reaction from you. They love you. Does your husband?

Looks like the husband has learned his lesson....if the lesson is don't be a sleazy twat to family, save it for work or other social occasions.

I understand the not wanting to break up a family thing, but he would be an ' ex' in my head from now on, it would be complete stupidity to believe that he won't do this again.

Husband: (sleazy repeat creep who targets wife's own sister) - gets a second chance, gets to stay in your life, your home, around your children who will be learning from his behaviour and your enabling.

Sister: (victim of sexual harassment) - gets pushed away and isolated as punishment.

Mother: (of both women, who knew this was a likely outcome once you knew) - also pushed away and punished.

You've got it all arse about face.

It's the sleazebag who needs to be sent into isolation to think about what he did.

And the children need to see consequences in action. (Age appropriate).

And your sister who needs understanding for what happened to her.

And your mother for trying to hold things together.

Talk to your mother and sister - ensure they understand how this has made you feel, that their defensiveness has made them say unfortunate things that will now stop, that family comes first and women need to stand together against creeps.

Wow I think it's completely unreasonable to punish your mother and sister for something your husband did, yet he gets away with it. Saying if you hear anything about him doing this again just let's him know that you're ok with his behaviour, as long as you're not made aware of it. Your poor mother and sister deserve better (she was a victim) and it makes sense why they decided not to tell you as this would be the outcome.

Well I'm not here to tell you what to do, however I couldn't stay with him, especially as I'd be wondering if he's lusting after my sister while with me (especially during intimate moments). Also he has no boundaries going after your own sister, therefore other family members will not be safe from him either. I just hope you haven't lost your sister forever following this! You could have forgiven your mother and sister too (I don't think there is anything to forgive as they were just trying to protect your feelings) just as you've forgiven him and continue having a relationship with all three. But, it's your choice and you have to make the decision you think is best for yourself.

This!!!

Hes got the confidence to approach your sister from somewhere and I’d bet it would be from a lifetime of trying his luck being a sleazy sex pest.

It is very very unlikely that your sister is the first and only woman he has propositioned and made rancid comments about.

Dump him. Take time to think about your relationship with Mum and sister but I do think they were coming from a good place at first and then it got to the “but would she believe us now” stage.