Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

I have a strong feeling that Op is going to find out worse things about her DH and this is just the start of a long unravelling. The sister/mother (as flawed as their reasoning may have been) have more of the OP's interest at heart and OP should forgive them. The despicable husband is the one who is at fault and caused the most harm.

its why i said "potentially messing" My opinion is that once you know that a partner is not faithful, you have no idea what else they may be up to with whom.

but how will you know whether she (or the mother) is keeping secrets or not? Trust lost is massively hard to repair.

Yes, said similar up thread.
Not only is he a slime ball and most likely cheater, but by choosing OPs Dsis he is getting the thrill of seeing how far he can go close to home.
Being angry with DM and Dsis is counterproductive. They were just trying their best to manage a bad situation.

But none of that is the fault or responsibility of her sister. Only the DH.

I agree. Hitting on a sister is code red risky strategy, and is for very devious men who have done their research, and are confident enough to think they will get away with it.

They are a separate category of cheater. Devious and corrupt. They destroy families.

Exactly, no man is good as gold and ultra respectful and faithful in this relationship but decides push the boundaries sexually with his wife’s sister of all people!
I suspect this guy is very obviously sleazy to everyone around him and OP probably knows it too.

Do you think they were worried that you would turn around and blame your sister if they had told you? Either way, your husband sounds like a dirt bag and I think you should focus your anger onto him and not your sister who is the long suffering victim who has probably stayed quiet to save your marriage.

The fault/responsibility bit is because she (and the mother) kept quiet thus leaving a gap of two years in which the sleazy husband could have infected the OP and, worst case if he already had, two years for an infection to grow. Its a common (and sensible) comment on here when people post about unfaithful husbands/partners to tell the OP to get tested. The OP has not had that option for 2 years. I can't understand why people need this explaining!

Husband would be out the door. I couldn’t sleep with a man who was sexualising my sister not only in private - but actually propositioning her in person too.
My mum and sister/family who knew would know my trust in them had diminished a fair bit. There is no logical way to look at it other than they hid the truth from you and let you waste years with a man you would likely have left if they hadn’t hidden the truth.

FINALLY!!

I think perhaps in that case she’s wanted to tell you for a long time.

Maybe cut her some slack.

I’d be hacked off with my mum, but it’s your husband who needs excoriation here.

Unfortunately your mum probably comes from the generation where sa victims were made to feel shame, and things were kept in the Family. By doing this she not only let you down, but failed to protect your sister from your husband, whose predatory behaviour was escalating. Good on your sister for finally speaking up for herself even if she did need anger to fuel her courage. Forget how it happened, it was going to hurt no matter what. Most sisterly relationships have their moments, but if you were close before don't throw away your relationship on a sleezey man. Support each other and don't let him win.

No, it’s not remotely the sister’s responsibility to assume that from a sleazy comment directly to her that therefore her sister’s DH is having an affair.

I predict the OP would have blames her sister whether it was now, 2 years ago or 2 years in the future, as proven by the fact that she’s cut off her sister but not her DH!

its a possibility that couldn't be ruled out and by keeping quiet she (and the mother) took a choice away from the OP

I think your mom and sister were in a hard place. There was a good chance you would not believe them or that he would claim it was a joke.

You need to direct your anger to your dh. Do not fall out with your family. You may need there support.

I am not saying fall out with them, what i am saying is that they have to understand that the trust is gone. i was in a similar situation, not about unfaithfulness but about something else that my family kept from me that took away a choice from me. I have never forgotten how it felt and I don't think I ever completely trusted my late mother again even though we remained close.

I disagree. Sister is not responsible for what goes on in or outside of sister's marriage. Him cheating with other women may not of even occurred to them. Sister was the unwilling target of a vile predatory. Why didn't your husband go home with you when you were ill? I would bet because he saw it as a perfect opportunity to harass your sister.

Please OP, think of your future. Do you have children? How are you going to keep any young friends that come to your house safe as they grow up.

Try and make up with your family even if you need to ask for space initially. Maybe even get some family therapy if you need to and they are open to it.

I've found this thread really interesting because I've had several propositions from drunk relatives - and never said anything.

I assume that their wives already know exactly what they are like - and that me 'telling' on them is likely to just get ME in trouble. I don't want to cause family upheaval!!

I assume that their wives already know exactly what they are like - and that me 'telling' on them is likely to just get ME in trouble. I don't want to cause family upheaval!!

It is really difficult to tell on men like this; and I am very straightforward person. I was appalled when it happened to me and I did tell a mutual friend who laughed it off and then I shut up, waiting for my friend to find out for herself with some other person rather than me. I don't think our friendship could have survived if I had told her. The circumstances in which she found out : her husband tried to make a move on her sleeping sister in the guest room and the sister started screaming. No more room for denial.

This happened to me with my sisters ex. I told my mum who told me not to tell my sister as she will find out herself what he's like. Well she did find out what he's like which is why he's an ex. But she still to this day doesn't know about what he tried to do with me, and that was 30yrs ago. I didn't tell her as I didn't want her to think it may some how be my fault., which it wasnt of course!
S9 I voted YABU as I really think you yould cut your mum and sister some slack. They obviously don't want there to be any bad blood between you.

no not responsible for but to know and not say ANYTHING?

I imagine OP would have found a way to blame her sister regardless of timing. It’s telling she has cut off her sister but NOT her husband.

She would have wanted to tell her sister, that's why it bubbled up so quickly in an argument. Unfortunately it's not so easy in real life, especially if mum was advising against it. It's not unusual for women to stay silent due to fear of it being turned back on them. OP seems angrier at her than her husband after all.

I wouldn't be offering to forgive my sister, there would be nothing to forgive her for as far as I was concerned. I would be apologizing to her for my husband's behaviour though, and making sure she was ok. I have 2 younger sisters and always would protect them against a predatory, no matter what.