Found out my family hid my Husband’s behaviour from me for the last 2 years

[Emily877]

This happened at the weekend so it’s still raw and I’m struggling to know what to do.

I found out from my Sister that my husband made a pass at her two years ago and he has also made various comments to her over the past two years.

Our Mum has been aware of this from the first incident but sworn my Sister to secrecy as between them they believed I was better off not knowing and that no good would come from telling me.

This all came out when the three of us were on a girls trip at the weekend and my sister took offence to something I said about her partner. She snapped back at me by telling me about my H and they eventually came clean with the full story.

My H has confessed to this and is desperately pleading with me to save our marriage. He is putting it down to alcohol and begging me not to leave him.

I am utterly furious with him but also my mum and sister. They’ve watched me spend the past two years with someone knowing what he did and tried to pass it off ‘as in my best interests’.

They have both tried contacting me and I’ve had a long message saying how I’m being stubborn and need to look at this more logically.

Remember a lot of married men when I was a teenager like this. The wives used to know. They used to brush off their behaviour with comments like, "if you took him up on his offer he would run a mile:, yeah right. And excused touching as "being handsy". Thank goodness things are changing.

Your poor sister. Honestly you’re not the biggest victim in all this mess. Focus on what you want to do about your DH…

I don't think there is many women who haven't been the victim of this sort of man, especially when young. Of course their wives know, but choose to ignore it or make feeble excuses. Some men even get confident enough to flirt in front of their wives.

So no one tries to stop the man and he goes in to sexually assault someone..? This is not a good blueprint for how to handle the situation.

Im sorry to be blunt but I would rather lose a friend or family member who couldn’t handle the truth about their partner being a fucking creep than stay silent and allow that man to continue creeping on other family who are too afraid to speak up, are outright assaulted or - god forbid - too young to know what to do.

Your DH is a snake. Take it DS is not married. If DS&DM told you what he’d done he’d have denied it and probably have suggested your DS was jealous. That would have ruined your relationship with DS. Your DM will know as DS will have sought her advice on what to do. You’re shooting the messengers- take aim at your not so “D”H

Sister is married. The secret came out when the OP expressed concerns about sister's partner and was told "look closer to home" those who are saying that the mother and sister have done nothing wrong, let me give you this scenario.....OP goes to ger mother and sister and says "I have no idea what to do, husband has given me an STD. How did I not know what a sleazeball he was" Mother and suster look at each other and go "Ah yes well......."

This

Sorry but I’m calling out this total bullshit. It is the fault of no woman if a man is sexually inappropriate to her and he then goes on to sexually abuse someone else. It is the only the man’s fault.

Nope nope nope. Your sister is a victim of your sleazebag husbands behaviour. He is disgusting. You are directing your anger the round direction. Mind you, if he keep the husband, which it sounds like you are, then you will be doing your sister a favour by distancing as you then won't be inflicting the sleazebag on her.

He is vile op, whether you choose to see it or not.

So, she only told you out of retaliation and spite?

She doesn’t cone out of this looking too good.

I take your point but this creep was going after adult women, and was horribly flirty rather than handsy. I found notes under my pillow and the thought never crossed my mind that he could force himself on someone. Until I heard about the sister's experience that is. Also I moved out of the country shortly after and while they were having counselling, kept my distance and didnt have the right opportunity to broach the topic. I have learned a lesson from that incident though.

Also the incident with the sister was not sexual assault ...? The details were never communicated to me but he went into the room and tried to hug her, slip one of his damn notes under the pillow, who knows. I didnt class him as dangerous, more a pest. I have intervened very strongly in cases where I have felt men were predatory, not only to me but to other women.

I’m so, so sorry to read this OP. What a horrible, horrible situation you are in ☹️
i agree with those others who have said , he’s a sleaze bag. Alcohol tends to allow us to let our guard down. And what we can all see is that your husband fancies your sister, has - on multiple occasions - tried to proposition her & made frankly disgusting comments & remarks. I don’t see how you CAN get past this fact alone? On top of that if your husband is saying these things to your sister I would put money on him doing it to other women/colleagues in his life. I wouldn’t trust him at.all. I totally get your upset with you mum & sister but I think they were in a really crappy situation that YOUR husband put them in. Forgive them but for the love of god ditch your husband.

Sounds like sister's relationship is relatively new, I think sistervwas single when it started.

In the 2nd post she says the sex toy incident happened when sister was single. Also sister has a partner, not husband, so probably a new boyfriend.

Various comments to her and a pass at her, over a two year period? No, he’s be out of my house. And definitely blame him. He did the crime, not them, although I can see why are are upset.

To those blaming the sister for not saying anything, how many of you have had to deal with a sleazebag, plenty I bet. How many told his wife/partner? Especially after the 1st incident.

I never belive women with sleezy men who act like they had no idea. Sleezy men are far to fucking obvious and don’t care, yes they are good at the “ o I didn’t mean it” “ I was just joking” shit but, no absolutely no way your with a man like that and don’t see the signs. Yes there are men, and women good at hiding affairs, but that’s different as these things can be hidden, naturally sleezy men are so fucking obvious to everyone so I don’t buy the person they are with not knowing.

My guess is mum and sister probably thought you wouldn’t believe them as many women in these situations don’t. I’ve been that messanger who’s been shit on several occasions, I now keep my mouth shut.

This is her SISTER???

For the sake of our children I’ve given my Husband a final warning that if I so much as hear any rumour about his behaviour moving forward, we are over.

I have told my Mum and Sister I need some space, I am not cutting them out of my life but I just need to process what they’ve done and I’m really struggling with it.

So your family is being punished and your husband gets a rather unconvincing warning?

Were they ever right not to tell you!

in my experience damned if you do, damned if you don’t tell.
there’s no way of coming out of it well for your sister and what makes it worse is your husband putting your sister in that position.

what would have happened if she’d said yes?

im shocked your mum and sister kept it from you. You needed to know so you could make a decision about it. It wasn’t their decision to make.

Why are you punishing your sister and mother when you did exactly what they knew you would? You are pulling away from them and blaming them and your husband gets off scott free. If he gets a chance why don't they considering he's caused all this

when ready, sit your sister down and say that if anything happens again you need to know immediately so you can make a decision about your husband. Sit your mother down and say the same.