For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

I think you've found the source of your son's anxiety.

Of course YANBU. Your husband isn't normal. Whether he has mental health issues or not, he's being coercive and controlling, to the detriment of your son.

Far from being isolated, now is the time to start building up your support networks outside your marriage. If it gets him off your back, go and have a coffee with the mum in the kitchen or whatever while your son visits his friends - but whatever you do, don't accede to his demands that you isolate your son. He doesn't get to recruit you into his abusive parenting.

Your husband is very strange and it is rubbing off on you and your son.

And you say your son has anxiety? Well why do you think that is?! Your controlling husband is affecting your children's mental health. Why are you still there?

Yes I agree, he is strange.

Protect your son. Husband needs to change (lol) or get away from him.

Husband has a massive issue which is impacting on your lives. You seem quite resilient and willing/able to ignore his unreasonable behaviour/preferences/ideas - I'd suggest taking that further and making it crystal clear to DH that he can't 'ban' (or try to ban) perfectly normal engagement with friends that is important for a child's development in these formative years.
Don't put up with it at all. It's abnormal. Don't let it become your normal.

@MummyToMNandR Kindly, OP…I think you’ve dealt with your DHs behaviour for so long that you’re seeing it as somewhat “normal” and it’s so far from that!! Your DH is causing your child’s health issue and your other children will go through the same if you don’t intervene. I’d class myself as an overprotective parent - your husband is a controlling parent and your child is suffering.

I have a DC (almost 5yo) who has been a very nervous and worried child since he was around 3. Quite severe separation anxiety, fear of losing possessions etc. The “normal” think to do in the situation (IMO) is to encourage your child as much as possible! Mine would always tell me he didn’t want to go to parties etc but I’d just suggest we go and see what it’s like 🤷🏻‍♀️ first couple of them he would sit at the side clinging to me and not interact etc but he was in the environment at least. And slowly he started playing a little, having something to eat etc. Same at things like soft play. He then asked me for his own party and listed the kids he wanted invited which was a huge step!
He goes to lots of clubs and classes to try new things and meet new children etc. This week he asked to trial a new class that some of his classmates go to and he walked into the class completely unaccompanied and was happy with me waiting in the cafe for him!

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have done this for your child rather than just accepting the “no”….unless you know it was actually your DH in his ear and you’re scared of his reactions.
Has your Mum/MIL never commented on the fact that it’s odd not to let him have play dates or go to parties?
Does he go to clubs/classes outwith school? Has he ever had a birthday party?

And the fact you haven’t spoken to your DH about this speaks volumes IMO. I was raised in a house with constant fighting and controlling behaviours.

Your husband is strange, but you're strange for never pressing why? I'd be sending my kids to play with their friends until he can provide a good reason as to why not. Why on earth wouldn't you ask?

Because the bloke is a nasty bastard!

This. Stop dismissing everyone you are not in a good situation at all and the long term impacts on your children could be awful..of course it's very difficult to leave but you need think about getting your ducks in a row.

Of course it's not unreasonable for you to let your DS go to his friends house. Did he really decline parties and playdate or was it her s dad telling him too? Saying they are just my friends in school doesn't sound like something a child would say.
Regardless I do think you need to find out what your husband's issue is. There's got to be some reason he doesn't want your son having friends. And the what have I told you about going to friends houses is so weird.
I probably wouldn't invite DS's friend over until I knew why DH had a problem with it. If there really is no problem he needs to stop being so ridiculous and let his son grow up.
He'll drive him away in the end if he doesn't loosen up.

i think a lot of people have missed this bit.OP this is really mad and I guarantee your son is scared of him. He is certainly going in for some high level emotional abusive and high levels of dysfunction.

”Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.”

OP, you need to ask why your son can't go over to other people's houses. It's mad that you havnt asked already, to be honest.

This is nuts. And there is a reason you’ve never asked him why.

Even apart from him not wanting your son to visit friends and vice versa, he's also using the silent treatment to get you to behave in the way he wants you to. Disappearing from the house and ignoring you when he returns home - and for something so small - is a clear sign of control/ abuse, op. What do you say to him when he reacts in such a manner?

My dad wouldn’t let us go to stay at friends’ houses and it was purely a control thing. He wanted to call the shots on everything, in a “I’m the head of the household” way. Him being so horribly strict ruined my childhood and I grew up with anxiety. I wish my mum had stood up to him but he’d ground her down too. Oh, and also gave her the silent treatment as a way of controlling her.

Trust me, your DH is not a nice man and he’s being a terrible father. You need to break the cycle.

well your husband sounds abusive. What else is he trying to control because it won’t only be this?

@MummyToMNandR, I really feel for you in this relationship OP, and I have been wracking my brains trying to think about reason why your DH is behaving in such an unhealthy manner towards any of you, but particularly your 9 year old son.

Please don't be insulted by my question here OP, but is your first born DS your DH's biological child, and if not, how old was your eldest DS when you got together with your DH. (Sorry if anyone else has already asked you this as I have only read all of your posts on this thread OP, and I didn't see you answering that question.

I think that whatever your answer to my question is - if you are good enough to give an answer - your DH's attitude is probably far more complex than there just being one simple reason for his attitude. Particularly as the world, and definitely England, is a far more scary place than when I was a child, or from even when my children were all infants in the 1980s.

Things have always changed, and I think that I have seen a marked change since Blair, and the atrocities he committed in the Middle East started all those years ago. Everything since then seems to have been taking on an ever darker aspect. Then, more recently, we have had what I believe has been, three major catalysts to both ours, and most of the rest of the World's fortunes. It is probably obvious that I am talking about: Brexit, the Covid 19 pandemic, and then Putin invading Ukraine. Imo, Trump has also managed to add to, and aggravate, all of our (as in the people of the World) problems and fears for our lives, and our livelihoods.

My husband seems to stick his head in the sand, as he states that he doesn't think there is a realistic chance of us having another World War, and almost definitely not a nuclear one. Whereas I, on the other hand, am very scared that there may be one - especially as two sets of my children and their families live hours away in another part of England, so I wouldn't - even if I survived an initial nuclear explosion - know how they were, and that would be absolutely unbearable.

So, I wonder if I am being overly worried about the worst happening, on top of all our relatively recent other tragedies, and whether the same - or different considerations - may have made your DH overly worried and sensitive about the dangers we, but particularly our children, are facing these days, especially if we take into account that we are learning that there could be a paedophile living in any of our streets, and maybe many living in any given town? Could he just be as overwhelmed as I am, but because your children are so young he wants to wrap them in cotton wool? I really do think that you need to have a deep, but calm and friendly discussion with your DH when the children are in bed, and I think that almost your first question to him should be, "why does he not want your son to have play dates in other people's houses, or even your own?" - but please try to not sound accusatory. Good luck going forward OP. I know that if any of us let our fears terrorise us, or our families, into hiding away, and not trying to lead our normal lives, then whoever the "enemy" is, they will have won. 🧡

It’s very clear where the root of your son’s anxiety comes from. Poor kid is very clearly afraid of his dad, maybe not physically but mentally. Your husband is a bully and will destroy your son’s mental health if you let him. Honestly this behaviour is beyond strange/weird/unacceptable.

With all due respect, you do.
And your husband regularly dictates what you all should do, giving your son anxiety to boot, to control you, then uses this as an excuse to shag someone else? Seriously?

You have a horribly controlling husband.

Your husband is controlling and emotionally abusive OP. Your poor son. It’s perfectly normal for him to go to his friend’s house and for that friend to come to his. Your husband’s behaviour is not at all normal.

You need to talk to your husband about why he’s being like this. He needs to stop, or else you need to separate from him. He’s going to do a lot of damage with that behaviour.

Your husband is contributing (if not causing) your son’s anxiety.
What are you going to do about it?