For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

This is so strange. If my husband wanted to stop our kids from doing a perfectly normal thing I would definitely ask why. Hasn't your son ever wondered why he isn't allowed playdates? It sounds as though your husband is either an abusive, controlling arse, in which case you need to leave him, or he has severe anxiety himself, in which case he needs help.

Is this the very first time your son has been to a friend's house?

Are you actually sure it wasn't your husband in his ear. Like you said your husband had already said to him we've talked about this

He is very over protective when it comes to all 3 boys, he will only allow his mum or my mum to look after them, oh and my best friend but it took years. He has said he doesn’t trust people when it comes to the children.

I know he means well, but sometimes it gets a bit much; and I instantly get stressed out.

Just because you aren't obeying your husband's dictat doesn't mean you shouldn't be trying to understand what on earth is driving such a bananas statement from him. At 9 years old it is completely cuckoo crazy to not want your child to go to a friend's house or have a friend come over - and in your position I'd want to understand what is driving my husband to have such an insane point of view. In the end he is his father - and its going to impact your son negatively to have his dad trying to impose that approach so you need to engage with the man and try and work through the issue. I would also have thought you need to do that for the sake of any sort of semblance of a good relationship with him as a husband and co-parent, though I've never been married/had to co-parent.

Not to being excuses for his behaviour but you really need to talk to him about it maybe something happened to him as a child.

there is issues with ur dh, this is very odd behaviour, I also think it’s weird that you’ve never asked him why ur son isn’t allowed, is it bc you already know why?
did you dh grow up with no friends, what does he think is going to happen, he’s 9 years old of course he should be allowed and vice versa

defo don’t apologise as you’ve done nothing wrong. But you need to get to the root cause of his problem.

I couldn’t stay with a man if he made me think everytime we argued that he’s perhaps sleeping around.

Was he abused as a child?

Yes,

He said it was nice seeing his friends bedroom and all his cool things, because he hasn’t been to a friends house before so he didn’t know what it would look like.

That made me smile

I didn’t think he’d be home
This speaks volumes. Sounds like you knew that he wouldn't be happy about your son going. Why did he say to your son I told you not to go to other peoples houses. You don't listen but are going to learn sounds threatening. Sounds like your son is scared of him.

For god's sake confront him about this. It's insane.

It’s so sad that your son apologised. I can’t believe you’re with this man and allowing your son to apologise to him for visiting a friend. How horrendous.

No he wasn’t abused as a child and he has about 6 close friends.

I am going to ask his mum did she allow him to have friends over vice versa.

neither will I allow him to stop my son having the best childhood.
His childhood is being hugely damaged by his father. Can you not see that?

You need to talk to him

That wouldnt make me smile it would make me very sad of all the play dates he has missed out on because of your DH. He probably said he didn't want to go to others because your DH has drummed it into him him he can't go.

Your husband's behaviour is very unhealthy for your child and your other children, no wonder your son has anxiety.

Sounds like your husband doesn’t want your son going to his friends’ houses in case your son
a) says something he shouldn’t about how he gets treated at home (because i absolutely guarantee there is more to this then you know or are saying
and/or
b) sees what a loving household looks like compared to his own and realises yours and your husband’s behaviour is not ok

Your poor son.

have you ever wondered the real reasons why your son declined? It seems pretty obvious to me and is a clear indicator that your son is afraid of his dad.

And you wonder why your child has mental health problems?

FFS - why are you forcing your son to grow up in this kind of environment?! Your husbands reaction is totally not normal or acceptable. He is not god (whatever he might think).

When are you going to put your child before your prick of a husband?

How old are your other children?

No wonder your DC suffers with anxiety having a father like that!

But by the sounds of it him still being your husband and living in the household is stopping your son from having the best childhood! You might not be living in fear yourself, but from his reaction- apologising straight away for something you've told him is OK, being anxious etc, it sounds like your son is!

I think your sons anxiety comes.from his fathers behaviour. And early when he was younger his dad told him he could not do perfectly normal things.

One day he’s going to be telling this incident to a therapist to explain his origin story.