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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For letting my son go to his friends house

1000 replies

MummyToMNandR · 16/06/2025 20:31

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

OP posts:
ninjahamster · 11/07/2025 20:59

So will you swap over, send one of the other boys for a few days with her? So they all get the individual attention?

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 21:06

ninjahamster · 11/07/2025 20:59

So will you swap over, send one of the other boys for a few days with her? So they all get the individual attention?

No, they are to stay here with me.

Our 9 year old doesn't like to sleep out, and no way would I let our 1 year old sleep over, I like to have him here with me.

OP posts:
awkwardasfuck · 11/07/2025 21:11

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 20:51

It wasn't a lie!

Your thread is such bullshit I'm not surprised people think you are lying

Get off your high horse.
Get some help
Go get your three year old
Take the rod out of your arse
Get a grip

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 21:15

awkwardasfuck · 11/07/2025 21:11

Your thread is such bullshit I'm not surprised people think you are lying

Get off your high horse.
Get some help
Go get your three year old
Take the rod out of your arse
Get a grip

I don't understand why people are so adamant that I go and get our 3 year old. If I were to go and get him it would just cause him distress, you don't understand that it is going to be me who will have to deal with the crying, miserableness and the tantrums. He is happy at his nans house so that's where he will be remaining, he was due to spend time with her anyway.

OP posts:
anytipswelcome · 11/07/2025 21:19

You know OP, growing up living under the same roof as some unhealthy, unhappy and toxic relationship dynamics is far more damaging than growing up with parents who split up. You seem to think that breaking up is the worst case scenario. It isn’t for your kids. Or you.

He’s shagged other people, you’ve hit him, you fundamentally don’t agree on major lifestyle issues, you have a drinking problem that he weaponises against you threatening to take the children away from you…

Your kids will be much more damaged by being exposed to this awful, awful dynamic under one roof than they would by having parents who live separately.

awkwardasfuck · 11/07/2025 21:21

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 21:15

I don't understand why people are so adamant that I go and get our 3 year old. If I were to go and get him it would just cause him distress, you don't understand that it is going to be me who will have to deal with the crying, miserableness and the tantrums. He is happy at his nans house so that's where he will be remaining, he was due to spend time with her anyway.

Because he's your fucking child. What part of that don't you get

ninjahamster · 11/07/2025 21:22

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 21:15

I don't understand why people are so adamant that I go and get our 3 year old. If I were to go and get him it would just cause him distress, you don't understand that it is going to be me who will have to deal with the crying, miserableness and the tantrums. He is happy at his nans house so that's where he will be remaining, he was due to spend time with her anyway.

Because it seems like you don’t care about him! You leave him with somebody else but prioritise your other two children. You sent him to nursery full time when neither parent works. It’s sending a message to him that you want the other two children more than him. He might be happy right now but I guarantee he won’t be in future years when he starts to question why he was always the one sent away.

AccidentalPrawnYouFool · 11/07/2025 21:57

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 20:54

I think you are forgetting he is 3 years of age, he has two other siblings we are a family of 5.

He enjoys going to his nans house because he receives one on one attention, he gets spoilt and is always made a fuss out of.

Sure - you keep telling yourself that.

BakelikeBertha · 11/07/2025 23:10

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 20:51

It wasn't a lie!

Yes OP, it was!!

DaisyChain505 · 11/07/2025 23:11

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 19:36

I will let him back eventually, we will be going to relationship counselling/therapy he has agreed to it.

If you’re going to take him back you may as well just get on with it. If he knows he can get away with it, it doesn’t matter if you wait a day or a month. You’re showing him his behaviour is accepted by you.

FairKoala · 12/07/2025 00:28

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 19:59

No I haven't slipped up, I paid for it privately please google it if you don't believe me. As AA meetings are usually free of charge.

I don't mean it in a rude way but I wouldn't want to sit in a room or be on zoom with people that the only thing we have in common is an alcohol problem.

Was the idea of sitting in a room with the lower class of alcoholics just not you?

Do you think you are not the same as them

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 12/07/2025 02:47

The paid for one-to-one AA meeting is jumping the shark.
It doesn’t exist.
And if you had a paid for one-to-one with an addiction therapist then you would not be anonymous. Your payment details would give your name.
This ‘nobody’ can catch me out stuff is nonsense.
Your post is spreading misinformation about AA and that is unfair to an organisation that helps millions of people.
Getting over a drink problem means getting over yourself. And actually if you ever did an online meeting you will find there are plenty of people far richer than you attending.
Alcoholics who are drinking lie. That is it.

LBFseBrom · 12/07/2025 04:55

You can have private one to one sessions with an addiction therapist. Not everyone feels comfortable with group therapy, some people are inhibited by that and prefer to be private. I don't think there's anything wrong with that; as long as the op manages to give up drink it doesn't matter how she achieves it. It sounds as though she is committed to sobriety, good for her.

LBFseBrom · 12/07/2025 05:03

To continue: the problem is more than her alcohol habit, she drinks to escape. A good, experienced therapist will be able to help her all round.

Tcateh · 12/07/2025 07:55

Gonna miss this when the thread fills up.
Oops!

MummyToMNandR · 12/07/2025 08:19

LBFseBrom · 12/07/2025 04:55

You can have private one to one sessions with an addiction therapist. Not everyone feels comfortable with group therapy, some people are inhibited by that and prefer to be private. I don't think there's anything wrong with that; as long as the op manages to give up drink it doesn't matter how she achieves it. It sounds as though she is committed to sobriety, good for her.

Thank you so much for clarifying this, because certain people on here seem to think that I am lying, I have no reason to lie to strangers.

Throughout the whole of this I have been honest.

OP posts:
MummyToMNandR · 12/07/2025 08:21

DaisyChain505 · 11/07/2025 23:11

If you’re going to take him back you may as well just get on with it. If he knows he can get away with it, it doesn’t matter if you wait a day or a month. You’re showing him his behaviour is accepted by you.

I am just not willing to break up my family.

OP posts:
NoviceScoutMum · 12/07/2025 08:28

MummyToMNandR · 12/07/2025 08:21

I am just not willing to break up my family.

3 pages ago you were done, he'd crossed a line by cheating and there was no going back (it stood out to me because it was when you were wronged, you were willing to end it, but all the shit he's put your kids through and you wouldn't even consider it) but now you're saying the opposite. What's changed?

Can't help but think the above is rage bait, considering your family is already split and you don't seem to particularly care about your middle child

I'd love to hear your husbands perspective (if this is indeed legit)

Change9944 · 12/07/2025 08:30

MummyToMNandR · 12/07/2025 08:19

Thank you so much for clarifying this, because certain people on here seem to think that I am lying, I have no reason to lie to strangers.

Throughout the whole of this I have been honest.

You are lying about the paid for AA meeting.

rainbowstardrops · 12/07/2025 08:38

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 20:36

I am not lying, I did speak to someone on zoom which I paid for privately. I have been liaising with her for past few days.

I don't know what you get out of sitting behind your computer wrongly accusing strangers of lying.

I did speak to something via zoom regarding my alcohol problem, and I did look at it as an AA meeting because I didn't have to provide any person details.

And I don’t understand what you get from sitting behind your keyboard fabricating a load of bullshit!

Hobnobswantshernameback · 12/07/2025 08:45

Well clearly attention given that this thread is 40 pages long and someone even bothered to reignite it when it had mercifully died a death 🙄

Change9944 · 12/07/2025 08:59

Hobnobswantshernameback · 12/07/2025 08:45

Well clearly attention given that this thread is 40 pages long and someone even bothered to reignite it when it had mercifully died a death 🙄

Oh she will have another bullshit story to start another thread.

DaisyChain505 · 12/07/2025 09:08

MummyToMNandR · 12/07/2025 08:21

I am just not willing to break up my family.

Long gone is the attitude of women having to stick with shitty men because they don’t want to “break up the family.”

It has been proved over and over again that the children end up more damaged if women do this.

You may think you’re doing them a favour by keeping the family together but you’re not. They will grow into adults who have had to live in a toxic household and will mirror the behaviour they see in their own relationships because they think that’s what’s normal.

They will turn into adults who say “Mum I wish you’d left years ago. We knew how unhappy you were and we always felt on edge and we were always waiting for the next drama to happen. It wasn’t a nice environment.”

Also, one day your kids will grow up and leave home. Then you’ll just be sat staring in silence at the man you don’t really love and you’ve wasted years on “for your kids.” And those kids will be long gone and it will just be the two of you.

Cherrytree86 · 12/07/2025 09:15

MummyToMNandR · 11/07/2025 19:59

No I haven't slipped up, I paid for it privately please google it if you don't believe me. As AA meetings are usually free of charge.

I don't mean it in a rude way but I wouldn't want to sit in a room or be on zoom with people that the only thing we have in common is an alcohol problem.

@MummyToMNandR

why? The whole point is mutual peer support, it’s what is most effective

Cherrytree86 · 12/07/2025 09:16

MummyToMNandR · 12/07/2025 08:21

I am just not willing to break up my family.

@MummyToMNandR

just take him back now then OP 🤷‍♀️

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