For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

Typo, yes sorry

Feel safe.

I am using my mobile, no he doesn’t tell me that I can’t go places, he could never because he knows I would just go anyway.

I am certain he wasn’t abused as a child, he comes from a very loving home. He is just very over protective when it comes to the boys.

He may not have been abused at home OP. Maybe he was abused by a friend, or a friends relative? This would explain why he’s so dead set against the idea of your children going to a friends house… and why home is the only place that feels safe.

It’s possible too that, if he was abused, the person doing it also did it to him in his home - which would explain not wanting people round.

He wasn’t abused, can you please stop mentioning it, it’s not a nice subject.

You don’t know my husband, so please do not make those kind of assumptions, not once has it ever crossed my mind that he was abused when younger.

Thanks for clarifying that OP.

However, I'm sorry, but you simply cannot be certain that your DH wasn't abused as a child, even if he does come from a loving home. It seems that he's not happy for his children to be out of an environment where they can't be monitored, and this could indicate that he suffered abuse at a friend's house, or a sports event, or something similar. I actually have a very close relationship with a family who appeared to be very close and loving, but when the parents split up, the boy stayed with his father. Sadly after a few months, it came to light that the boy was being abused by his father on a regular basis, and yet on the surface, a nicer man you couldn't hope to meet. Child abuse is an extremely complicated situation OP, and while you would think that the boy would hate his father, after what he put him through, he didn't, and still continues to see him now that he's a full grown man, because, as he's told me, at the end of the day, the man is his father, and he loves him, he just wanted the abuse to be stopped. I do actually think that unless you've ever been involved in a situation like this yourself, or have a very close relationship with a family who has, then it's hard to comprehend some of the emotions involved, so please DO NOT write this off. In fact, I'd go so far as to say please keep a very close eye on your son with his father, and don't be too trusting, as if he was abused, it's possible he may become an abuser himself, and for all you know, he may even now, be abusing your son, which would explain him not wanting him to go to another child's home, or for other children to come to yours, as it's the sort of thing that can come out when children are playing together.

Naturally the last thing I want is for you to worry about this, but I do know for a fact, that abuse goes on in families, who you wouldn't expect it of, for even a moment.

Please continue to encourage this friendship and ignore your husband who seems to be trapped in the 16th century!!

It's not being over-protective, it's controlling behaviour.

The leaving after an argument then ignoring calls and sleeping with his back to you is emotional abuse.

Why would you want to raise children in this atmosphere?

You say your DH doesn’t allow anyone else apart from grandparents to look after the children. That is controlling! If my husband said to me he didn’t allow something that we should both make a decision on he’d be told I’m no uncertain terms that it doesn’t work like that and he is NOT in charge.

@BakelikeBertha

I have already written it off, I don’t understand why you are still continuing for more. It is like you are getting a kick out of saying that, furthermore how do you know I wasn’t abused as a child…

@FiendsandFairies

No doubt, I’m glad that our son wants to mix with his friends outside of school.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You handled the situation really thoughtfully. Your son was happy, safe, and it was clearly a big step for him. You checked in with him, spoke to the other mum, exchanged numbers, even drove them home yourself. That’s what a responsible parent does.

The issue isn’t your judgement, it’s your husband’s reaction, which was completely over the top. Telling your son “didn’t I tell you” and “you’re going to learn” isn’t just strict — it’s controlling. And the fact that he stormed off, won’t answer your calls, and leaves you wondering whether he’s with someone else is not okay, and certainly not a model of respectful co-parenting.

What really stands out is that you don’t seem to have even asked him why he feels this way. Your son is nine! Surely this sort of situation has come up before? But instead of having a proper conversation, you say you just let it go over your head and think “whatever”. That’s not a small thing. In a functional relationship, you’d expect at least a discussion, even if you disagreed, some reasoning, a bit of back and forth. But there’s none of that here. It sounds like you’ve stopped expecting dialogue altogether. You’ve settled into avoidance because, deep down, you know how he’ll react. That says a lot about what the relationship has probably felt like for a long time.

You say you don’t fear him, but you’re already doubting yourself for something totally reasonable. That’s often what it looks like when someone has spent years managing another person’s moods instead of being met with care or respect. As for tomorrow, of course your son should be able to have friends over. That’s a normal, healthy part of growing up. But only you can judge whether doing so will cause more stress than it’s worth. If this is part of a bigger pattern — controlling rules, punishment, shutting you down — it might be time to talk to someone you trust. You don’t have to be in a crisis to want support or a different kind of life.

Has your 9yo ever had a birthday party? Does he have hobbies?

I feel so sad for your son, no wonder he gets anxious in case daddy kicks off. Our kids have been going around friends since they started school and hour or 2 does them the world of good. I could never see my hubby saying anything remotely negative if he gets in from work and 1 or more are at a friends either for play or tea and just been asked in the day and neither does he say anything when they come around. Poor son only wanted to play and the attitude of your husband is disgusting

What your DS has said about friends in school and the fact it has taken him till he was 9 years old to pluck up courage to go to a friends house should be ringing huge alarm bells

Abuse can take many forms, including coercive control which is what your dh is doing to both you and your Dc.

Why is your dh abusive and the big question
Why do you allow your dh to abuse your Dc
Your other children whilst only very young learning about abuse and if they were to step out of line it would make daddy angry

Just because you are able to brush off your dh’s words and actions and accept the leaving the house and silent treatment when he returns doesn’t mean your DS is able to

I have already written it off, I don’t understand why you are still continuing for more. It is like you are getting a kick out of saying that, furthermore how do you know I wasn’t abused as a child

Maybe you were maybe you weren’t and both answers could be why you don’t see this as abuse

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc

I'm not trying yo be funny but if your DH behaves in such a manner I can see exactly why these experiences bring so much anxiety for your son.
Unless your DH had an abusive childhood whilst at friends, you KNOW he is BU . It is really not a healthy environment for your children.

He is abusive. Very controlling. Please seek support and get rid.

I don’t think you’re listening to what posters are saying OP. This is so much more than a disagreement about play dates. Your son has anxiety, this will be because his dad’s bizarre and controlling behaviour. Why does he only allow
certain people to care for the children? What if you disagree and let someone else?

He ia not over protective, he is abusive. If you do not want your children being brought up in an abusive environment you need to leave him with the children.

I think posters are trying to find an explanation for his behaviour because it is extremely weird and uncommon to not want your children to socialise. I'm not very social myself except on a superficial level but I have always made efforts for my children. I don't like having people over to my house but I constantly invite my sons' friends because it makes them happy and friendships are important. Your husband is a selfish bully and he's making your son anxious.

You thinking that he's off to see another woman because he got upset because your son played at a friend's house is just crazy. How can you live with a man like this?

So, your husband assumes that he is responsible for all decisions regarding your son (even though it doesn't appear that he's doing the bulk of the childcare) and makes batshit crazy apparently arbitrary decisions which don't suit you and your son and never explains the reasons for these decisions. He's attempting coercive control, which is probably illegal depending on where you are, but doesn't really achieve it because you know he's unreasonable and therefore ignore him, do as you like, and make your own decisions along with your son about what activities the son can do?

Seems perfectly reasonable, except that the husband seems to be more of a nuisance than anything else.

It is normal and very important for kids to have playdates and also an important support network for you. Husband sounds extremely controlling, at best he's very anxious.

You need to get him talking if you can? Perhaps he can open up about it. Otherwise I honestly don't know what the answer is... this is going to have a bad effect on your son if he isn't allowed friends?!?!

I do not understand this. I accept what you say, that your husband was not abused and came from a loving family, also that he is very protective of his children.

However his attitude to not wanting his nine year old to go to a friend's house, or to have the friend back at your house, is unnatural. You are going to allow it anyway which is good but why do you just accept that is how your husband is? It doesn't make for a happy atmosphere.

I grew up with an inhospitable mother who did not like people in 'her' home unless they were relations. She would talk to people on the doorstep rather than let them in and forever turned down my requests to have someone come home. If I had a friend and went to their house she would then question me endlessly about my visit, not because she was afraid for my safety but because she was nosy, wanted details about their home which I honestly never remembered. As a young child all I cared about was playing, having some fun and feeling comfortable, I didn't notice people's furniture, heating or decor. I sometimes made things up just to satisfy her.

It changed a bit as I got older, had to really, but she was never happy about it and didn't have any friends of her own, only her ever present relatives. I could not wait to be old enough to leave home.

It's just not right, or normal.

I think you must challenge this if you are going to have a happy, normal family life.

He is just very over protective when it comes to the boys @MummyToMNandR

It's not overprotective, it's controlling and abusive.

You keep making excuses for him saying he means well, he's just protecting the boys etc but then at the same time you say when you row he leaves for a few hours making you think he's sleeping with someone else (wtf?) then turns his back on you when he returns!

I think you've been so conditioned by his behaviour that you don't see it for what it is.

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn” @MummyToMNandR

Why did you even allow this conversation, why didn't you step in and stand up for your son against this man?
Your son didn't take himself off to the friend's so why is he being made to be accountable?

You need to start protecting your dcs against this type of abuse.

Also, what the hell does this mean, you're going to learn??

So your son is being punished for you taking him to a friend's house. This is so messed up, your poor child.

Your dh is making your son ill by isolating him and being too controlling. Your child is getting anxious because he is not allowed to have friends op.

You did nothing wrong. He’s a weirdo.