For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

YABU - If my DH had a bizarrely hardline against a perfectly normal childhood experience then there's absolutely no way on earth I wouldn't have asked him why or where it came from... and the reason you won't ask him why is because you do it anyway... Like, it sounds like he's bonkers and controlling but I'd say it's more bonkers that you don't appear to have had a single conversation with your DH. How does that even happen?

My DH broke his wrist iceskating as a child. He's not been since and is anxious about it - I know he wouldn't be comfortable with me taking our DCs. Realistically, he'll get there and when they're a bit older, they will be going. But there's no way that if he said "do not take them iceskating" that I'd just go "ok" and do it anyway, it'd be a conversation.

I actually just tested this. I said to DH, "you know, I don't ever want DD doing dance lessons". His response: "why?". I don't understand how conversation work in your house if you've not asked him why.

How old are your other sons?

Have they ever been on a play date or to a party?

This is very sad. I'm very suspicious of your son saying he didnt want to. He hasn't wanted to because he knew his father's view.

I'm pretty sure his father has brought this up to him.

This whole situation is bizarre,

no one seems to have picked up on the fact that you think he’s having sex with someone else every time you disagree on something either?!

why on earth are you with this man? He is neither a good husband or father. Anything redeeming about him?

You make a good point there, what awful conditions for children to grow up in.

This honestly reads like the beginning of a horror film. WTF, OP?!

Yup this. Frankly, not surprised your son has anxiety issues if your husband is like this.

Our other sons are 1 & 3 they are yet to go to play dates but our 3 year old spends a lot of time with my husbands mum, and she takes him to a lot of places.

Your husband is a controlling arsehole who doesn't want his child to have any friends. Does he allow YOU to have friends? This is major red flag territory.

You let your son go to his friend’s, he had a good time, and you handled it responsibly. There’s nothing odd or unreasonable about that.

But why are you tying yourself in knots over your husband’s reaction? You’re clearly unsettled by his behaviour, yet you’re sidestepping the real questions. Why does he have an issue with a perfectly normal play date? Why does he leave every time there’s tension? Why are you tolerating the suspicion without demanding answers? You’re not scared of him, so why the silence?

This nutcase THREATENED your son. You realise this, yes?

Not trying to be unkind, but it sounds like your husbands issues and anxieties, are impacting your child. Even if the way your husband is, comes from a place of love and protectiveness, it needs to addressed. Particularly as your boy is already leaning towards anxiety too x

OP what do you want from this thread? You’ve been told this is not remotely normal and multiple times advised to ask yourself truthfully husband why he doesn’t want your children to have play dates but you haven’t said you are going to do that, haven’t even asked him anyway and have even said about asking his mum instead if him? You know it’s not normal, you don’t need a thread here to tell you that, so what do you want or need? Let us help you!

With your further updates I immediately thought that maybe your husband was abused on play dates as a child and has never told anyone. This could certainly explain why he feels this way. But even if so, he needs therapy to deal with that and not stop your children from normal parts of growing up. It also sounds like you’re saying he can’t have friends over to yours though, so that isn’t explained as easily by the abuse theory.

another poster mentioned that he’s worried about your son revealing something or seeing what a happy home looks like - could this be true? Is there any chance at all that your husband could be abusing your son in some way if you genuinely can’t think of anything to hide?

You need to get to the bottom of this or it will affect all of your children, it will stop them having healthy, normal childhoods, make it difficult for them to make friends & leave them in a position of needing years of therapy! Your son is 9, has only been to a friends house once and has anxiety. That’s already not normal.

As for thinking your husband is cheating whenever you have an argument, why do you think this?

the more times I read your pushback comments, the more there is to unpack and the more questions arise. You should be questioning everything.

I know someone like this with their kids and turns out their sibling was abused by a friend

@Tillow4ever

I don’t think he is worried about our son revealing anything, because there’s nothing to reveal.

It’s because every time we argue he leaves for a few hours, then he will come home and sleep with his back to me.

I thought your DC was going to be in reception not 9 years old.

It’s normal for a 9 year old to go to their friends houses. I could understand your husband not wanting him to go to friends houses if he has anxiety or previous bad experiences but it’s strange he doesn’t want his friend to come to your house

What kind of childhood are your children enduring ???

OP, if there is a god your children will all grow up and go NC with the pair of you.

Your husband is an abusive cunt, and you are complicit by going along with it. And all your talk of how you won’t allow his childhood to be affected is a load of bollocks, because you are allowing his childhood to be affected.

You’re as bad as your husband in this, and you are damaging your children.

The only people in this I have sympathy for is the children caught up in this horrible family.

If you care about your children at all you will leave this prick.

If this is the message your son is receiving then it is definitely adding to the reasons why your son struggles to leave the house. It is completely normal at 9 to go to a friend's house. And if DH doesn't want your child left there then tomorrow having them at yours makes complete sense!
Honestly I would be very concerned. He has strong views that he expects to be followed, then the storming out, and the sleeping with his back to you with no resolve. That doesn't sound like a good atmosphere for anyone. And your son's do pick up jn this.

This isn't normal. It isn't supporting your son with his struggles. It's downright awful how he is treating you all.

Your husband sounds terrible. He has many unreasonable rules and then when you don’t comply he walks out and sleeps with someone else? Or pretends to? That’s so strange I can’t even think about your son’s situation.

of course it’s totally fine to have friends at any age but will your husband say something to your sons friend? Your son is obviously traumatised by all this but no reason to bring another child into it.

You need to address it with your husband. Its ne thing saying that you ignore him and won't stop your son from visiting friends, but unfortunately that puts DS in a difficult position as he has to deal with his dad's displeasure instead.

Have I missed something as I don’t understand why you have never asked or discussed this with your husband?

I don’t know for certain but that’s how I feel sometimes.

No my husband wouldn’t say anything to our son’s friend, he isn’t like that.

I will let him know that they are coming over and he will not be at home when they come.

He just doesn’t like people coming here, he doesn’t even allow his close friends to visit (not that I want them here) he says our house is a place where we feel, and he don’t want people coming around:

It’s like talking to a brick wall.

This is awful. I cannot imagine a childhood where a child wasn't allowed to have friends round or play at friends houses. How miserable. You need to talk to your husband.
Honestly id consider leaving someone who was prepared to make your child's life a misery.

This is seriously weird OP!! You've told us that you and your son aren't scared of your DH, but I get the distinct impression that you are. Does he ever tell you that you can't go places?

Also, I think it highly likely that your DH was abused as a child, and has yet to face up to it

You've said that he doesn't want other people coming to your home because 'our house is a place where we feel ....' but I'm afraid I don't quite understand what you mean by 'a place where we FEEL', is it a typo?

Dear god no wonder your poor son has anxiety. He has a father who is trying to make him terrified of all other people in the world who aren’t his family. And who threatens and intimidates him for doing a perfectly normal childhood activity of seeing a fried. You say your son didn’t want to see friends before, but I bet he did and was more scared to upset his father than he wanted to go. Today, you both thought you’d get away with it because your DH was out. Things no way for your children or you to live. You need to tell DH that he either gets some serious therapy to learn to behave like a normal human being or he gets out. Otherwise you will lost your son when he is an adult because he’ll blame you for letting his dad fuck up his childhood.