For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

My husband does this too. Our son isn't allowed to birthday parties or out with friends. My son just hides birthday invitations from school now because he knows his father won't let him go and doesn't want to rock the boat

Are you certain this didn’t come from his dad? Who has seemingly told him before he is not allowed to visit with friends outside of school?

I strongly suspect this might be the source of your son’s anxiety - Dad clearly has a set of rules he needs to abide by (rules that you don’t know about from the sounds of it?).

I don’t say this lightly, but this is hugely concerning on a safeguarding front - why exactly is Dad so keen to control your son’s access to friends and their parents? Is he worried about what your son might tell them?

@SpoonyCat and you think that is okay?

Yep, I grew up in a toxic environment like this. Mum trying to let me do nice things, Dad maliciously spoiling everything. He'd stop me doing a lot of really normal activities, such as visiting friends. Mum booking me a treat pony ride, Dad cancelling it. Or - if I managed to do something nice - there he would be waiting when I got home to berate me and make sure I paid dearly for my fun. Just as your husband did to your son. Dad actually did the same to my mum, I wonder if that applies to you too?
I don't care why your husband is doing this, but it has to stop or you have to find another way to protect your child. That might involve divorce. It's mental abuse and it's awful. I spent my whole childhood waiting for the next mental blow. I hated him. I didn't even go to his funeral.

@PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting

Of course he is his biological father, I gave birth when I was 19.

I have told my husband that our sons friend is coming over after school for two hours maximum and he doesn’t need to be here if it’s going to make him uncomfortable, I asked him why he doesn’t want him coming around he said “You know I don’t like people coming here, and once they’ve left I’ll even be able to f**king smell them” I told him to stop, and our son is at the age where he is going to want to have friends around and it’s not like he can play with them in the street like he did when he was younger.

Friends were never allowed in his house and he used to “play out” with his friends, there was no going inside peoples houses.

I managed to speak to his mum last night, I explained the situation and she just said “You know what he is like, tell him to go out” she then went on to say she’s happy that her grand baby has good friends and wants them to come over to the house.

@JosephGeorge

I am not divorcing him or leaving him, why would I? I love him and I would never ever break up our family.

The combination of this and your other thread leads me to believe you are in an emotionally abusive relationship with a controlling bully.

I honestly don’t know why some men behave like this!

@MummyToMNandR it’s pretty obvious where your son’s anxiety comes from

Is his father emotionally abusive to him in other areas too.
That is a very sad post, poor child.

Why are you letting this happen? What sort of life is that for your child?

Why do you allow this?
Are you ok?

I don’t know why some women tolerate it! And you’re calling his mother? For what?

You really don’t seem to be appreciating how fucked up this situation is, or how weird your passivity is.

It’s no wonder your son has anxiety if your husband behaves like this.
I find it incredible that he punishes you by going off and having sex with someone else when you have a disagreement! This is not a healthy relationship for you or your children.
I also find it very concerning that your children cannot socialise.
This is classic controlling and coercive behaviour. I’d be plotting my escape.

Sounds like he himself doesn’t like having visitors so is happy to for your son to suffer and become isolated to make sure he gets his way. Not the actions of a great father.

Because some men are controlling and abusive.

@SpoonyCatand you are also in an abusive relationship with an abusive parent. Isolation is a classic tactic. It’s so controlling it’s not remotely acceptable.

Why would you leave him? Because he’s a controlling abusive parent who is already impacting your child’s mental health and if you think this is bad, just wait til the teenage years kick in. You are looking at serious concerns for these boys in the future if you don’t act to protect them now. I got my eldest out at 12 and it was too late. She’s still struggling at 16 and not improving much at all. My h wasn’t as bad as yours at that point. It gets worse OP not better. You need to speak to women’s aid and at least open your eyes to your situation so you can make a measured decision. You are living with your head in a cloud, absolutely blinded to the harm this man is doing to your precious children.

I honestly don’t know why some men behave like this!

I honestly don’t know why some women put up with being treated like this, or let their children get treated like this.

OP you still haven’t said what you want from this thread. We have all told you it’s not normal. Most have told you it’s abusive. Some have suggested looking deeper into why your husband feels this way. You have said you aren’t going to leave him. It sounds like you are going to continue putting your son in the middle though by allowing him to do normal kid stuff whilst your husband tells him he’s not allowed - it’s not fair to put that decision on a 9 year old. You sound like you are walking on eggshells, even if you will go against his wishes at times.

So if you aren’t going to change anything, what is it you wanted here?

As PP have said, your H’s oppressive behaviour will be feeding directly into your son’s anxiety and making things worse for him. And this whole - I can smell them even after they’ve left: that’s not about protecting your DCs, that’s just really weird.

You and your H got together very young and it sounds like your H hasn’t fully matured. It sounds like he bullies you and sulks. That’s nasty behaviour. You’re so used to it that you sort of accept it. It sounds like you had relied on the fact that your H was out so he needn’t know but he surprised you by being at home. You shouldn’t have to be giving explanations about your son going to a friend’s house - this is a very normal and important thing for him to be able to do. Of course, 1 year olds and 3 year old don’t go to someone else’s house without a familiar carer (parent, grandparent, nanny etc) but from age 4/5 etc, you can generally start to drop them off.

Because your husband is going to do long term psychological damage to your children? By not stopping him (I know you ignore him but that is different to stopping him) you are also actively condoning the behaviour and teaching the kids its normal.

He has already caused anxiety in a 9 year old boy, this is only going to get worse as they grow up.

You wont want to hear this but what your husband is doing is a form of abuse to your children.

He sounds like a MN poster! Good for you ignoring him OP.

My dad always hated people in the house we all just ignored him and he would spend days in the shed. Maybe we were being a bit inconsiderate looking back, he obviously had some anxiety around it all..but that was his issue to work through and my Mum was not going to let it stop us. I agree with this and am glad she was able to stand her ground.

Because he's awful and is negatively affecting your son's mental health?!

@MummyToMNandR your husband it’s disgusting and a bully. He is the reason your son has anxiety.
Genuinely you deserve better and so does your son .
wtf op your son hasn’t to have friends . I think your also would t be allowed those ?
Fo you work , if not whose idea was that?

Stand up to your husband for your and especialy your kids .