For letting my son go to his friends house

[MummyToMNandR]

Hello

I let my son go over to his friends house after school just for an hour and a half, they have become very close in school since him starting in September.

I see mum every single morning, I wouldn’t say class her as a friend yet, we usually have a short conversation then she goes about her day.

This afternoon whilst at pick up, she said “you can ask M if he would like to come over for an hour or so” then she looked at me and said that he has been wanting to ask him for a while now, only if that’s okay with you.

My son was happy and said yes, then asked me if it would be okay.

Bearing in mind, my son suffers from anxiety and has been going through a rough time recently, regarding being outside/new environments/ people etc.

So I obviously didn’t want to say no, because it would be a huge step for him to come out of his comfort zone.

She asked if I wanted to come with him, but I didn’t think it would be appropriate especially when I had my other two children with me, she gave me her mobile number, and I insisted that her and her son got into my car so I could drop them home, just for a peace of mind.

My son enjoyed the short time he spent at his friends house, and asked if he could come over to ours tomorrow and I sort of said yes.

The issue now is my Husband, I didn’t think he’d be home because he went out, when I got home he asked where our son was, I told him that he’d gone round to his friends and I would go and collect him soon.

He wasn’t happy and told me to go and get him, l said I would go and get him in a hour and half and that I don’t understand what the problem is, when actually I do.

He told me that my sons friends are not to come over to the house and he is not going over there, and I always let it go over my head and say to myself “whatever”

When I got back with our son, the first thing my husband said “didn’t I tell you, that you’re not to go over to peoples houses” my son answered “I know Dad, I’m sorry but I did want to go there” he then went on to say “You don’t listen, but you’re going to learn”

Neither my son or I fear him or are scared of him; he went out soon after and will not answer his phone, every time we have a disagreement he leaves the house and it makes me believe that he goes and sleeps with someone else.

Was I being unreasonable for letting my son go to his friends house? Because I don’t want to apologise to him and make things right, our son should be able to go over to his friends houses and they should be able to come here.

I will be inviting him and mum over tomorrow after school, or do you think that is going to make matters worse?

Isn't the 9yr old at school or was he taking him out of school?

No, both boys have broke up for the summer holidays now.

You both need to stop weaponising your children.

the decision to split is correct but I think 50/50 custody will be right for you both and all 3 kept together no splitting. Work out a schedule then go to financials

grt some therapy and I think things for yourself be it working/volunteering:hobbies

work out living arrangements do not leave the house but accept that assets will need spiltting

OP I'm glad you've decided to follow my advice about NOT letting the boys sleep in with you.

May I also suggest that you go and get the little one that is currently with your husband, as soon as possible, because if you allow your husband to keep him for too long, he will begin to wonder why Mummy doesn't want him with her. The children should be kept together at all times. So sit down and try and work out a plan of how time with the children can be worked out fairly. Then once you've come up with something that you're happy with, send your husband a copy, and ask if it works for him, and if not, why not. I would suggest that initially you stay open to discussion about who has the boys when, but if your husband starts playing silly sods, you'll need to get professional advice, and possibly go to court. As a previous poster said, you must NEVER use the children as weapons to hurt each other. Try where at all possible to remain on civil terms, as that will make it easier for the kids, and you.

Did you manage to get any sleep last night? Please remember, that if the boys want to come in with you tonight, that you say 'No, that was a one off, and won't be happening again', don't get angry, as remember you were the one who started this, just be firm, and don't give in.

Hello

I hope you're well, to be honest with you my three year old is happy staying at his nans house, he will be upset if I go and get him so I am going to leave him there for the time being, I called my mother in law this morning to say good morning to him, and he said "No I'm not coming" which he always says.

Today has been a good day, we went back to the shopping centre, my 9 year old seems fine. He asked when his dad and little brother will be returning home, I told him that dad will NOT be coming home any time soon but his brother will be home soon, his response to that was "Oh" then he said that he misses his brother.

My husband is not going to agree with any arrangements so I am not going to notify him of anything. He has been texting me all day, and now has become rather nasty with me.

He said that I need to stop contacting his mum and no other man is ever going to want me whilst I have three children and that I need to stop being f**king stupid, because he had dealt with a lot from me throughout these years and that I better mind that he doesn't take all three children off me also called me an alcoholic.

You have to realise that his mum will always be on his side. She's not your friend. And you need to address the alcohol thing ASAP.

Yes, I AM I will not allow him to hold that against me.

Get to those meetings ASAP as if he rings social services with concerns you need to be attending

Yes, I have found a place nearby.

I don't think he would call social services on me, he is just being very nasty because he can't have things his way.

I do not care, I am NOT going to give in to him, he has caused this not me, I have been faithful, protective, everything else and more during our whole relationship.

I am just going to have to keep myself busy, every time I think about the current situation I just. feel like crying.

Why are uuu leaving the family home that was your inheritance

The thing is OP, no matter what you want, as their father, your husband is entitled to see his children regularly, unless you can prove that he's a danger to them. Therefore if you can work out something between you with regard to custody, it will be better than having to go to Court.

Also, you MUST stop drinking, as if your husband can prove that you're an alcoholic, that may well go against you with regard to custody. Have you been to an AA meeting yet?

Has your friend come to stay yet? If not, when are they coming, as I really do think you need someone who is on your side to talk to?

The previous poster is right, you have to realise that your MIL will always take his side, so stop calling her, as speaking to her is just likely to give him more ammunition against you.

You really DO need to be on your absolute BEST BEHAVIOUR now OP, as it sounds like your husband has already turned nasty, and is likely to do everything within his power to get full custody of the boys, so if you continue with your drinking, he will definitely use this against you. He will also be asking your 9 year old if Mummy's been drinking, so don't think you will be able to get away with it, you won't!

So essentially, you're an alcoholic who has been physically violent to your husband on more than one occasion? You can down play it as "I put my hands on him", but let's call it what it is - domestic violence. Assault.

I'd sure as shit hope that a decent parent would do whatever it took to keep their children safe in this situation. Is that "nasty"?

BTW OP, how did the couples counselling go in May/June? You've not mentioned that here.

Sorry?

I am not leaving the family house!

My husband came round last-night, I always lock the door from the inside, he called me I didn't answer, then he text me I told him to leave.

He then said if I don't open the door to him, he is going to knock on the neighbours door and tell them that he is worried about the kids because I am an alcoholic, I am not an alcoholic I'm not dependent on drink. He also said he would call the police afterwards, so I had to let him in.

I asked him why he was here, he said that he wants to check on the kids and put them to sleep, it was around 11o'clock he knows that the boys are sleeping by that time.

He went to check in on our 9 year old, and then went and woke up the baby, I asked him could he please leave and I didn't appreciate him coming around at this hour, he said that he will come around whenever he likes to see his kids.

Then he went on to say that he feels disrespect by me, mentioned the times that I had put my hands on him and he never ever hit me back, he said that I am lucky because any other man would have, and that I should be glad and grateful to have a man that loves me the way he does, and he slept with the other girl because he didn't feel loved by me and I went and left him to go on holiday.

He refused to leave and slept in the spare room, I asked him this morning when he is leaving, he said he isn't and have I sorted out therapy for him because he is waiting.

I do not want him here, but I can't force him to leave.

Yes we did attend couples therapy, but it didn't last for long.

My husband thought it was funny and started laughing and said to the lady that he doesn't why he is even here and that he loves me.

I am not an alcoholic I am not alcohol dependent, I drink because I want to and it helps with the stress.

An alcoholic is someone who drinks excessively, so please don't label me as one.

Yes I can go through two bottles of wine in one evening, if I wanted to stop I could stop, but the temptation is there, it was there yesterday when my husband arrived unannounced.

You need to get to the meetings ASAP, you need to learn about alcohol misuse and the reasons your drinking is problematic.

Do you know you could be on a online zoom meeting this morning if you wanted to. They are all listed on the AA website.

This post from MummyToMNandR reveals significant emotional distress and a possible disconnect between self-perception and behavioural patterns around alcohol. Here's a breakdown of the key themes and underlying concerns:

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🔍 Denial and Defensive Language

"I am not an alcoholic... I drink because I want to and it helps with the stress."
This phrasing suggests a strong desire to distance herself from the label of “alcoholic.” The repetition ("I am not... I am not...") and emphasis on choice ("because I want to") could indicate defensiveness — a common response when someone is beginning to question their relationship with alcohol.

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🧠 Cognitive Dissonance

"Yes I can go through two bottles of wine in one evening..."
Consuming two bottles of wine in one night is objectively heavy drinking. The attempt to contrast this behaviour with the assertion “if I wanted to stop I could stop” demonstrates classic cognitive dissonance — a mismatch between her self-image (someone in control) and her actual drinking habits (potentially problematic).

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⚠️ Signs of Psychological Dependence

"It helps with the stress."
Using alcohol as a stress coping mechanism is a red flag. It may not indicate physical dependence, but it points to emotional reliance, which is a core feature of alcohol misuse.

"The temptation is there..."
This admission shows she's aware of urges and cravings, especially triggered by emotional or relational stress (e.g., her husband's unannounced visit). That kind of situational temptation often points to a dependency pattern.

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🚨 Key Concern

Her insistence that she could stop if she wanted to, despite regularly drinking heavily and feeling strong temptation, may indicate a lack of insight into the severity of her drinking or a reluctance to face the implications.

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🧩 Contextual Clues

This statement may be part of a larger thread about her relationship or personal struggles. The mention of her husband "arriving unannounced" suggests a conflict or stressful dynamic that may be fuelling her drinking further.

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Summary

MummyToMNandR appears to be under emotional strain and using alcohol as a coping mechanism. Her post contains several red flags for problematic drinking, including binge drinking, rationalisation, emotional triggers, and defensiveness. While she firmly rejects the label “alcoholic,” her words suggest a pattern that might benefit from support or professional insight, especially if the drinking is interfering with her well-being or relationships.

The most important thing for me this morning is to get my husband out of the house, he knows I am uncomfortable with him being here, but is refusing to leave.

@MummyToMNandR

You need to get yourself a solicitor asap. They will be able to give you the best advice on how to handle this correctly.

Tell them all the details about your husband trying to blackmail you with the neglectful mother narrative. They’ve dealt with it all before.

Call the police to remove him.

If only he had a job to go to.

The most important today is for you to stay calm, sober and be a good parent. And it should be the same everyday.

That is more important than EVERYTHING ELSE including the squabbling with your DH.

You are not teens bf and gf anymore arguing because they love each other too much or some soppy bullshit, you are adults now and parents, start to act like one and give your kids the stability they need.

You have time and money, you can book yourself for AA, therapy for yourself and parenting classes. You need them all. Really.

It should keep you busy enough you don’t notice his presence.

I think when you mentioned a place close by for AA meetings the PP misunderstood and thought you meant a new place to live.

You’ve got to be joking OP, he has cheated on you and devastated your children and you still give a shit about what his preferences are when you’re about to be solo parenting at least part of the time because of his choices??

Please please do what is best for those boys and give not a second thought to how your ExH feels about it!!