Financial issues with partner

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner is self employed and earns around £50,000 - 60,000 a year, I work part time and earn about £12,000 a year. We're NOT married and we have kids, one has special needs (hence why realistically i can only work part time unfortunately).
As my partner is self employed the only benefits I receive are child benefit and child disability (so about £300 a month or so), apparently his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to....so in total I have about £1300 a month income.
I bought the house (myself) many years ago so we have no mortgage. We half all the bills. I pay for all the extras (that he never even thinks about) such as kids clothes, classes, stuff for pets, vet bils, home insurance, food, etc. I also do ALL of the housework, child care and general house management/arranging everything stuff....and I am absolutely suffering financially right now! I am currently £700 in overdraft (like every month) and still have an electricity bill due this month and the kids schol uniforms for next year have to be ordered into the school by mid July. I never buy anything for myself, no new clothes in years, I can never afford to meet friends for meals, etc. My full wage goes on bills and kid related things. I'm actually falling into I'll health due to the constant 24/7 worry about money and was actually recently in hospital with heart issues/high blood pressure. When i ask him to take over some of my bills for that month or pay for some of the kids things, he (usually) does it but has a go at me and he says I need to take more hours at work or get a second job. Am I wrong for asking him to take on more financially? Even if he'd take all the bills then I'd still be happy to cover the kids stuff and that. Am I in the wrong?

No you are not wrong. However it seems he knows he's on a good thing and won't change.

Why doesn't he pay for half the stuff for the children? They're half his after all.

If he's intent on splitting everything 50/50 he can also split the children costs.

Food ,home insurance, vet fees, kids clothes are all bills not extra and should also be split

Think of it this way
Would u see him and the kids struggle for money if situation was reversed?

Apply for the benefits you are entitled to!

Are they his kids?

In this situation your share of bills should be appropriate to income. So if he earns 50k and you 12k then he should be paying a bigger share of the bills. Also you should be splitting everything child related too.

Start charging him rent. The usual advice is to get married to protect yourself financially but you should absolutely not do that which would give him the right to 50% of your house.

The only bill I wouldn’t split is the house insurance as it it your house

@xSideshowAuntSallyXx he literally doesn't even think about the kids clothes/shoes/extras they need/etc. He's never paid for any of that their whole lives, it's always been me that's dealt with that area so it doesn't even cross his mind that they need new shoes regularly or that they need money for school activities or that they cost a fortune in food.

Cocklodger. Get rid.

Where does the rest of his money go??
Is he is taking home £3k a month...

I had an exh who never, ever put his hand in his pocket to provide for his son. Note he is an ex! You would probably manage better if he wasnt there, as you would be able to claim UC.

He should be paying you a portion of his wages to be only doing part time work, raising his kids, doing the housework, paying all the bills.

Tell him you want £1k per month to cover expenses and to make things fair or you’ll apply for all your benefits and screw his tax return 🙄

How can this man profess to love you and watch you and your children suffer under financial strain including to the point you’ve been hospitalised whilst he accumulates or spends every penny of his salary?! AND he has the audacity to ban you from seeking help so he has even more money to himself that he doesn’t share.

From day one you should have made him aware of these expenses and expected him to pay. If he didn't then you keep on, and on, and on until he realises.

How can he not know food is expensive these days?!

You need a proper sit down chat about finances OP.

It needs to be: total money in - total money out, whatever is left divide by 2.

If he’s not prepared to do that then it’s time to apply for any help you may be entitled to. If he’s unhappy about that then it’s time to pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep. Not being married doesn’t help you here in that you actually don’t have any right to his money or pension, BUT it does help you in that the house is yours, so he can leave.

YABU for facilitating this foolishness. Why do you have a whole, healthy, employed man not contributing anything to the family finances?

YABU for running yourself into overdraft - again, while maintaining a full, able-bodied man.

YABU for not applying for the benefits you're entirely to - again, to facilitate hos smooth tax arrangements while he gives zero shits about you.

You really need to stand up. Stand up for yourself and your children. You have enough on your plate with a disabled child. You dont need the weight of a pointless dick on top of that.

What did I just read?
Extras are things like ice cream and sweets. Not clothes and shoes

Stop cooking for him unless he pays half the food bills. Set up a spreadsheet of all other household expenses and split equally. As it is your house he realistically should pay rent too. If he doesn't agree he should leave, it is your house. He is taking advantage of you.

He should be contributing to all expenses on an income % not half. You are saving him the cost of childcare by working PT but he needs to be contributing to home and child expenses on a fair basis.

Divorce, this is financial abuse.

and before you do get copies of all his pay documents so you can prove deprivation of money if he tries to pretend he earns nothing!

all child expenses should be halved and you should pay bills proportionally according to income.

Approach him to discuss and if he won’t, serve him divorce papers

apply for all the benefits, let it be charged back to him in tax (suggest he get a second job if he doesn’t earn enough from this one) and look into what else you’d get if you were single. He pays half the bills.thats it. Bills would be lower without him, would the benefits and single discounts cover it?

They're not married.

Why are you putting up with this! Letting you and your children struggle while he sits on his income.
Make a list today of all household bills, food, children's clothes/ shoes, extra curricular activities, and add an amount to cover emergencies (basically everything you spend except house maintenance and insurance). Sit down together and show him. From now on split everything proportionally to your incomes, decide on a figure and have him set up a monthly standing order to you.
'He doesn't see/ doesn't realise' is not an excuse. Make him see.
If he argues or will not discuss, ask him to leave, put in a claim for UC and CMS and live your life without this additional drain on your emotions and your finances.

Are you afraid of him turning nasty?

You’d be better off with him not living with you and claiming child maintenance. Get rid or as a previous poster says, claim and then it’s his responsibility to sort the tax out.

She can only do that if she kicks him out first