Financial issues with partner

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner is self employed and earns around £50,000 - 60,000 a year, I work part time and earn about £12,000 a year. We're NOT married and we have kids, one has special needs (hence why realistically i can only work part time unfortunately).
As my partner is self employed the only benefits I receive are child benefit and child disability (so about £300 a month or so), apparently his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to....so in total I have about £1300 a month income.
I bought the house (myself) many years ago so we have no mortgage. We half all the bills. I pay for all the extras (that he never even thinks about) such as kids clothes, classes, stuff for pets, vet bils, home insurance, food, etc. I also do ALL of the housework, child care and general house management/arranging everything stuff....and I am absolutely suffering financially right now! I am currently £700 in overdraft (like every month) and still have an electricity bill due this month and the kids schol uniforms for next year have to be ordered into the school by mid July. I never buy anything for myself, no new clothes in years, I can never afford to meet friends for meals, etc. My full wage goes on bills and kid related things. I'm actually falling into I'll health due to the constant 24/7 worry about money and was actually recently in hospital with heart issues/high blood pressure. When i ask him to take over some of my bills for that month or pay for some of the kids things, he (usually) does it but has a go at me and he says I need to take more hours at work or get a second job. Am I wrong for asking him to take on more financially? Even if he'd take all the bills then I'd still be happy to cover the kids stuff and that. Am I in the wrong?

He earns 5 x what you do. He should be paying 5/6 bills and 5/6 child costs.

The good thing is you aren't married and you own the house. Chuck him out. Keep evidence of his self employed income before doing so so that you have this as evidence for CMS.

So not only is he running up your bills, he's blocking your access to financial support. Is he worth it OP? Sounds like he's an expense you can ill-afford.

Boot him out and then get child support from him as well as your benefit entitlements. You'll be so much better off.

Write a full list of household expenses for the kids, household etc on a spreadsheet. If you have receipts keep them, and scan/photograph them. Send it to him via e-mail asking him to contribute half.

Exactly! People keep saying OP should start conversation/spreadsheet etc - why?

Which adult thinks they can just exist in the world with no financial responsibilities? He's not even the one looking after the children; so I'm not sure what he believes his purpose is in the family.

He knows that children grow and need new regular clothing and footwear. He knows that food is expensive. He knows that children's activities are not cheap. He just doesn't care.

I'd tell him. You want £1k (or more whatever seems reasonable if he had to rent a flat and his own bills) a month as his rent, bills and contribution to the children. Or you claim benefits and he goes.

I couldn't get past him seeing you struggle and not providing even for himself.

Thanks everyone, I have read all of the comments and I am taking all of the advice on board.
I think someone asked about the kids, yes they are both his children and he doesn't spend his money on himself as such but has it in an account which he saves it in. I dont have access to this account and he basically pretends it doesn't exist. He uses a small amount of his pay each month to live off and puts the rest into this account.
I actually called him there to ask him to have a chat with his accountant about me applying for top benefits, find out exactly how that would impact his tax contributions but he's refusing to do it, says it would increase his tax to much and he's not discussing it any further.

Why half? He owes 5/6th, then rent on top!

Where does his money go? Why have you been letting this go on for so long?

I think you say to 'D'H you'll be putting in for the additional benefit. There is zero reason why you should pay 50/50 - it should be proportional to wages. (remind him of the unpaid labour you do for DCs)

Where is his money going if you have no mortgage or rent and he doesn’t pay towards his kids?

But you’ve told him these are things that need to be bought and it’s not rocket science is it. How can you work more if you are looking after your child?
I’m not sure what you gain from this relationship. The house is yours. You have some earnings, receive some benefits and are entitled to more but can’t get because of him. You halve the bills.
So he basically gets away with not paying any rent/mortgage or pay for anything child related because bless him he just doesn’t think.
You also do all the house stuff, childcare and house management so he effectively gets a cleaner, child minder and PA too.
And he tells you that you need to do more?
He’s hardly working as a team player is he?
Don't mean to sound too blunt here but I think you’d be better off without him. You and your child genuinely deserve better. I don’t think it’s worth talking to him about this stuff because it is all so painfully obvious that he is a freeloader that he’d just gaslight you with some nonsense. This is not how an adult who is a father should behave. It is not complicated, he does not even do the minimum. You don’t beg for the bare minimum. No, you move on from this fool and show him the true value of you and your child. And that’s much more than he’s worth.

This is so unfair! I’m raging on your behalf, you’d actually be better off financially if he left and considering he doesn’t seem to care about you at all I’d be looking at that as an option…..
Peoples finances are their business and everyone does things differently but this is awful, if you don’t want to go it alone I would work out how much the recommended amount of child support is for however many children you have if you were apart and ask that he pay this to you each month.

He’s built himself what women call a “fuck-off
fund”. He is keeping a escape route, and I can’t only think that means he doesn’t see your family as a long-term investment.

Please speak to a solicitor and see if you can recoup any money having supported him for years and ask him to leave. It may be that when he realises the gravy train is at an end that he is willing to contribute more- but do you really want to be with someone who is saving and providing for themselves at the expense of their own children?

Throw him out. He contributes the bare minimum to the household. He isn't a partner. He isn't even behaving like a father. He's riding your back and saving a shit load of money that you aren't even entitled to. Get rid. He's a cocklodger.

He's saving. 🤔

Then your retort should be - well then if you won't increase your contribution to the household or your children then I will be applying for benefits to cover these costs and you'll have to figure out the tax yourself and that's the end of your discussion on it.

Tight fucker.

He won't even buy food for his children?

Oh OP. What a dickhead response to a more than reasonable question.

I think you should tell him he has no option to “not discuss this any further”. And up the ante - to be honest you claiming more benefits and his tax bill going up a tiny bit doesn’t sound like much of a win to me. He needs to work with you as a team and pay his way and for his children.

Ultimatum time - his options are come to the table and step up like a reasonable human being or you split, he leaves and he pays CMS.

A warning to others. Don’t have kids without getting married - especially to a man that is an arsehole - if you haven’t sorted all the financial values and practicalities out before you fall pregnant. Start as you mean to go on. Don’t be ripped off and taken for a mug.

I’m sorry but his behaviour does not suggest he loves you or his kids.

His contribution seems to be limited to half of your household bills.

You are better off asking him to leave and claiming the benefits plus child maintenance.

If he stays then he needs to handover part of his savings to cover the rent and other expenses he should have been paying in the past.

Great, just apply then.

You don't ask, you have to demand that he pays the bills. You should make a budget and he has to contribute according to his salary, not 50/50. If he doesn't want it, then kick him out, you'll probably get more money if separated.

He should be a partner and wouldn't want to see you suffer every month for money . He should want to spend time with his children and provide for them. Disgusting man, what is the benefit for you in this? He's one more responsibility for you.

I'm not a tax expert by any means but he's paying a higher rate of tax if he's earning over 50,000 per annum. If he took you on as a junior partner with a part time salary he'd be paying less tax and supplying you with a second income. Do a bit of research, suggest that to him and his reaction will tell you all you need to know. Do you get to see his tax returns? Tell him you'll take on some of the simple admin, invoicing etc - I'm thinking, as others have suggested, he's building a little nest egg. For himself.

Ask him to pay rent.

He’s saving for the children – Yeah !
He refuses to include you in a discussion with the accountant.

OP, 2 + 2 really does often = 4

people are supposed to pay the tax they owe op.

that’s kind of how this society works.

if you can’t see that he’s a financially abusive cunt who you should kick out of your house and life today by yourself, then I don’t think anyone here can help you

its your choice to live such a shit life for yourself, but I feel sorry for your children who have no choice but to watch their father treat their mother like shit on his shoe, which they will learn from and copy.

The house belongs to OP. If she married the cocklodger he'd just have one more way to screw her over financially.