Financial issues with partner

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner is self employed and earns around £50,000 - 60,000 a year, I work part time and earn about £12,000 a year. We're NOT married and we have kids, one has special needs (hence why realistically i can only work part time unfortunately).
As my partner is self employed the only benefits I receive are child benefit and child disability (so about £300 a month or so), apparently his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to....so in total I have about £1300 a month income.
I bought the house (myself) many years ago so we have no mortgage. We half all the bills. I pay for all the extras (that he never even thinks about) such as kids clothes, classes, stuff for pets, vet bils, home insurance, food, etc. I also do ALL of the housework, child care and general house management/arranging everything stuff....and I am absolutely suffering financially right now! I am currently £700 in overdraft (like every month) and still have an electricity bill due this month and the kids schol uniforms for next year have to be ordered into the school by mid July. I never buy anything for myself, no new clothes in years, I can never afford to meet friends for meals, etc. My full wage goes on bills and kid related things. I'm actually falling into I'll health due to the constant 24/7 worry about money and was actually recently in hospital with heart issues/high blood pressure. When i ask him to take over some of my bills for that month or pay for some of the kids things, he (usually) does it but has a go at me and he says I need to take more hours at work or get a second job. Am I wrong for asking him to take on more financially? Even if he'd take all the bills then I'd still be happy to cover the kids stuff and that. Am I in the wrong?

OP, you cannot apply for benefits (UC) without doing a joint claim. Your P would have to declare his income to UC as he is self-employed. I don't know if you would (both) be eligible for anything with a joint income of between £60 to 72,000 on paper, especially with no housing costs such as rent, however, as you have child/ren with disabilty you may potentially get something. There are benefits calculators online to check.

I don't believe your P wants you to know his income, which is why he is shutting you down.

That the fucker is saving whilst you get into debt says a lot. Fortunately, you have an asset. Be careful he can't lay claim to some of it...

He's financially abusing you. Sorry.

I think @Bloozie is right. He has added you as a shareholder or director and should be paying you dividends or a wage. And he doesn’t want to. If you apply for benefits you might work this out.

inatead he is saving all his money and when the DC are old enough that he is not required to pay you maintenance he will leave and buy his own place. He quite possibly already has bought his own place.

I’d ask him to leave, claim benefits and cms And try and work more when he has the kids. There’s no coming back from how he is treating you. He should be paying 80 percent of all expenses. But he has no intention of doing so ever. The only way I’d to get him out. Get as much evidence of his income first for cms purposes.

Get as much evidence as you can of his finances then kick the cheeky bastard out so you can claim benefits.

Or the feckless dad could pay. What a novel idea

This thread tells you everything that is wrong with this country’s handout culture. For lost posters, benefits is easy go to default. The dad is not on the hook at all, it’s everyone else who must pay for his kids.

It’s more that we’re realists. It’s bloody hard to get money out of a self employed skinflint who’s adept at hiding his money.

He's not going to though is he?

Well then start doing what is best for you. He either gives you enough money or you're applying for benefits. You'll have enough then and will have less. But you are a complete fool to have allowed this to go on so do something about it. But don't marry him. I suggest you leave him.

You'd be better off without him. You could claim benefits, you don't have a mortgage and you would get child maintenance from him which hopefully will be more than he pays into the family pot at the moment.

He sounds absolutely awful.

Until this country actually makes men pay for the children they create then you do what you must.

Its a disgrace how easy it is for men to shirk their responsibilities to their children.

He is a gigolo. A cocklodger. You are basically paying for cock.

Point that out to him.

I 100% BET that you have not told any of your/his family or friends what is going on. Start telling everyone. Let the light into this shitty, dirty arrangement so that you can get proper support from people in real life. All abuse, including financial abuse, thrives in the dark.

OP can't force him to pay.

You need to sit down and work out how much you spend on bills, shopping, vets, pets and children in the last 12 months, and divide it by 12 to give you a monthly figure.

Open a joint account and insist he pay in (at least) half that amount monthly as a standing order, you should not be shouldering the burden of joint bills.. how on earth have you allowed that to happen? Just because he doesn't think of them doesn't mean they aren't needed, he needs to be paying his way.

You have huge problems of financial abuse here OP, don't ever, ever marry him.

Oh and apply for that benefit, if he won't even discuss it with you then just do it anyway.

Just explain to him and show him that your income isn’t enough to cover the expenses get him to pay your £700 over draft and contribute something to keep you all afloat

Oh and apply for that benefit, if he won't even discuss it with you then just do it anyway.

The OP's partner might have more than £16,000 in savings, given that he's putting away at least £2,000 monthly.

But why should the OP claim benefits (paid by other taxpayers) when the children's father should be properly supporting them. This is what really really annoys me - the fecklessness of these sorts of men, and the way they are excused, pandered to, or obeyed, by women.

At what point should the OP have realised she's a grown up? I should have thought before she had children with such a selfish irresponsible and feckless man ...

I'm not blaming the OP for her partner's behaviour, but she IS responsible for her own. Why do we encourage women to this "learned helplessness" ?

This.

It makes no difference how much he’s got if she kicks him out.

👏🏼
louder for people in the back

Yes, she needs to do that first.

“Just”. This man has been squirrelling away almost his entire salary for years and watched his wife struggle. He is not going to help her is he?

Don’t you think we know that? Have you tried getting a feckless dad to pay? They do not give a shit. They will see their own kids starve before contributing a penny. I’ve lived it.

OP, he's a cocklodger ffs !

Despite being a 'parent', he takes zero responsibility financially or practically.

Despite being a 'partner' he takes zero responsibility financially or practically.

He's simply abusing you financially AND emotionally !

All he has to do is go to work, and throw you a pittance towards his bills !

You need to apply for every damn benefit you're entitled to, AND tell him that from now on, you're charging him rent to live in YOUR damn house !

If he doesn't like it? Tough shit !

Well fuck him.

Provide for your children. Apply for the benefits you are entitled to and let him sort out his tax issues.

If your financial situation is not his problem, his is not yours.

How can you be attracted to a man who treats you and his children like this? Fuck that.

What DOES he contribute?