Financial issues with partner

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner is self employed and earns around £50,000 - 60,000 a year, I work part time and earn about £12,000 a year. We're NOT married and we have kids, one has special needs (hence why realistically i can only work part time unfortunately).
As my partner is self employed the only benefits I receive are child benefit and child disability (so about £300 a month or so), apparently his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to....so in total I have about £1300 a month income.
I bought the house (myself) many years ago so we have no mortgage. We half all the bills. I pay for all the extras (that he never even thinks about) such as kids clothes, classes, stuff for pets, vet bils, home insurance, food, etc. I also do ALL of the housework, child care and general house management/arranging everything stuff....and I am absolutely suffering financially right now! I am currently £700 in overdraft (like every month) and still have an electricity bill due this month and the kids schol uniforms for next year have to be ordered into the school by mid July. I never buy anything for myself, no new clothes in years, I can never afford to meet friends for meals, etc. My full wage goes on bills and kid related things. I'm actually falling into I'll health due to the constant 24/7 worry about money and was actually recently in hospital with heart issues/high blood pressure. When i ask him to take over some of my bills for that month or pay for some of the kids things, he (usually) does it but has a go at me and he says I need to take more hours at work or get a second job. Am I wrong for asking him to take on more financially? Even if he'd take all the bills then I'd still be happy to cover the kids stuff and that. Am I in the wrong?

This is common form of financial abuse OP.

DP is building up his pension and savings at your and your children’s expense.

You need to get in contact with organisations who can talk you through this type of financial control.

Ah lovey this isn't right. Personally I wouldn't tot up percentage of bills etc because he sounds the type of person who wouldn't take a jot of notice or to be reasonable about it if you did. He'd find fault with everything you'd put in front of him and I genuinely don't think it would matter to him as he sounds like his priority is protecting his own money.
I would seriously take a look at entitledto and fill the form in as if you were a single mum living alone and you will see just how much you would be better off as such and how much better off mentally too if you saw sense and got rid of this man who has been happy to watch and see you struggle and yet do nothing.
Life is so short, it really is and you deserve to be respected and to have someone who doesn't see you as a cashcow but as a partner. I wish you well, please please think about giving your self a better chance in life.

Most benefits are means tested on household income, so op would not qualify all the time he lives there.

Goodness me. What a selfish twat. You need to be paying bills, vet bills, everything for children on a wage percentage basis. And let him help out around the house and with the kids. What is he actually bringing to this relationship because he just sounds like a lazy, selfish cocklodger who gives zero shits about you or his children.

Sorry but it really doesn't fucking matter whether it "crosses his mind" or not!!! It is stuff that needs paying and he needs to be paying half towards it all. End of story.

My DH doesn't know what any of our money goes on as I sort all the finances (my choice!). We have both our salaries paid into a joint account and everything needed for the household - and everyone in it - gets paid out of it.

I have seen so many of these threads recently and cannot comprehend how many men are happy to see their wives / mother of their child(ren) absolutely skint whilst they're earning a high wage. And how many women just accept this is the way it is and are going into debt for their household and children whilst their husband is most likely stashing cash away. How can any man or parent do this?!?! Seriously?!

You’d be better off without him tbh.

Why have you not asked him to pay his way????

Why on earth did you have multiple kids with this man when you knew what he was like? I don’t have a problem with you doing most the housework (within reason) etc seeing as you only work part time but not if he isn’t contributing more of his salary.

what was the reason you didn’t charge him rent when he first moved in? He has had free accommodation for years now at your expense? I don’t understand why you let that happen? It’s the same with all the extra costs. I don’t understand why you have chosen to do that?

Id call a meeting with him where you can present him with all the facts and figures so that he can see for himself how he is shafting you. Go through your last six months worth of statements and ask him to do the same. Find out the cost of extra childcare and the cost of a cleaner. Also look at the cost of accommodation and let him know how much he is saving himself. Get the actual facts about what you could be claiming now and what you could claim if you separated. You and him have a relationship that’s not a proper partnership.

Id look at ways to increase your own earnings if possible. Could you work weekends or evenings when he could look after the kids, ( I know that might not be possible)

You’re playing Russian Roulette with your future, @Littleredpanda23 . Not only are you skipping out on benefits you would be entitled to, by working PT to support his children, you’re creating a giant black hole in your pension. He could literally walk away tomorrow and owe you precisely zero for all of the gaps in your pension.

Good luck.

His taxes are his problem. He either pays you what you are missing out on in benefits or you claim them.

He can also start paying a rental contribution . I don’t see why he shouldn’t pay for a roof over his head when you are the one that provides it

So you live together, in the home that you own outright, and he makes no financial contribution to the household at all?
You pay all the bills and living expenses on £12000 a year. He has up to £60000 a year coming in, but does not give anything to you from that.
What does he do with his money? Why is he not paying at least half of bills etc? Does he give any reasoning for this? Why should you take on extra hours to pay bills when he is essentially living for free.
Sorry, I'm slightly dumbfounded by this!

Hang on a min Thought Mr 50/50 was all about equality Thats what im always being told on the "who pays on dates" threads when i point out that splitting the bill doesnt mean he believes in equality

This

This man has been taking the piss out of you for years and he seems determined to continue.

If you want to end your life of poverty you need to show the cheeky fucker the door, apply for any benefits you are entitled to and submit a claim to CSA.

I know it's not as simple as just throwing him out but with the information you have given I cannot see another solution to your predicament which doesn't leave you repeatedly fighting to get him to take financial responsibility for his children. He simply doesn't want to pay his way and he will make it as difficult as possible for you to get anything like a fair contribution out of him.

That's what I thought

Not exactly. It’s crap but not as crap as that. OP says they split bills. She just has a narrow definition of “bills”.

This is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

Kick him out and claim benefits. Outrageous.

This is awful, please think kindly about yourself and your children and understand you need more and deserve better. Being self employed and a twat means he’s probably hide his earnings to pay minimum child maintenance but you’d be better off in so many ways by getting rid of him. It’s hard to imagine uprooting your life but he sounds horrible. Try talking to him and explaining that he needs to put money into a joint account for family expenses and if he won’t listen, say you think it’s best you split up as he’s not stepping up to take care of his family which is unforgivable

Well there’s a few ways of doing this.
It’s your house, he’s living rent free so he can cover the bills and you split the food.
Or you pool your income as one, take out your living costs & divide any/the remaining money into two.

Your current set up is unfair. He gets a free house, free childcare, and half price bills. I doubt he’ll be delighted about moving away from this model…

You might be better off if you kicked him out of the house and made him pay child maintenance. Not just financially, but psychologically. It can't be pleasant living with someone who is not just mean, but is actively exploiting you.

If it doesn't cross his mind, then put it across his mind. "I bought XYZ for the kids this week that they needed, could you give me half please?"

"I spent £80 in Tesco's today, could you give me half please?" etc.

Fucking hell, what a despicable partner and father you've found yourself lumbered with.

Reverse your roles, would you watch him struggle on £12k a year if you earned 5x as much, while he looked after your child with additional needs? Berate him for needing help? Could you live with yourself?

He's living with himself just fine. That's all you need to know. LTB.

There is so much wrong with this I can’t even begin typing with any coherency.

How on earth have you got yourself into this mess? I despair, I really do.

Grow a spine. Stand up for yourself. He has all the fucking money but you’re paying bills and EVERYTHING for the kids? And you’re not allowed to claim benefits:

Leave him. Apply for benefits and open a child maintenance claim. It is literally the only answer to what has happened to your life but I’m guessing you won’t so this whole thread and all the advice on it is just a waste of everyone’s time.

his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to

Apply today.

He's not contributing enough.

She owns the house so she should ask him to leave. No need for her life to be uprooted.