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Original poster

Financial issues with partner

238 replies

Littleredpanda23 · 16/06/2025 11:43

My partner is self employed and earns around £50,000 - 60,000 a year, I work part time and earn about £12,000 a year. We're NOT married and we have kids, one has special needs (hence why realistically i can only work part time unfortunately).
As my partner is self employed the only benefits I receive are child benefit and child disability (so about £300 a month or so), apparently his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to....so in total I have about £1300 a month income.
I bought the house (myself) many years ago so we have no mortgage. We half all the bills. I pay for all the extras (that he never even thinks about) such as kids clothes, classes, stuff for pets, vet bils, home insurance, food, etc. I also do ALL of the housework, child care and general house management/arranging everything stuff....and I am absolutely suffering financially right now! I am currently £700 in overdraft (like every month) and still have an electricity bill due this month and the kids schol uniforms for next year have to be ordered into the school by mid July. I never buy anything for myself, no new clothes in years, I can never afford to meet friends for meals, etc. My full wage goes on bills and kid related things. I'm actually falling into I'll health due to the constant 24/7 worry about money and was actually recently in hospital with heart issues/high blood pressure. When i ask him to take over some of my bills for that month or pay for some of the kids things, he (usually) does it but has a go at me and he says I need to take more hours at work or get a second job. Am I wrong for asking him to take on more financially? Even if he'd take all the bills then I'd still be happy to cover the kids stuff and that. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
ellie09 · 16/06/2025 12:22

You need to ask to sit down and make an excel planning sheet of all money coming in for each of you, and a separate list of all household outgoings.

You should also estimate how much food, kids activities, misc (for days out etc) would cost in a month and factor these in.

For all outgoings, including those in the second paragraph, they should be split in half and consider getting a joint bank account where this is put in each month.

This means both of you are contributing evenly, and you have the rest of your money for your own personal bills / hobbies etc.

If he refuses to do this, you tell him you will be applying for any benefits you would be entitled to despite his income and how it affects it, as you can no longer afford to do it on your own.

If he isnt willing to pull his weight, do you really want to be stuck with him forever?

bluecurtains14 · 16/06/2025 12:22

Why aren't you married? You are in a hugely vulnerable position and if he refuses marriage/civil partnership then ideally you need to work more and he needs to pay 50% of the childcare costs (realise finding childcare can be an issue). This is why having kids outside of marriage often screws the woman.

RowsOfFlowers · 16/06/2025 12:24

Either he pays you more financially OR
you apply for additional benefits!!!

Why are you protecting him so much it you’re not even benefitting from it? Why are you not married. So many people do not protect themselves financially before starting families and having children. You are supposed to be a partnership.

RowsOfFlowers · 16/06/2025 12:25

bluecurtains14 · 16/06/2025 12:22

Why aren't you married? You are in a hugely vulnerable position and if he refuses marriage/civil partnership then ideally you need to work more and he needs to pay 50% of the childcare costs (realise finding childcare can be an issue). This is why having kids outside of marriage often screws the woman.

Agree with this — you ARE in a vulnerable position and you are the one that’s being penalised financially by doing more of the childcare and it impacting your income. He absolutely needs to pay more. Sorry to say this, but if he refuses, you need to become a single household and apply for benefits yourself.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/06/2025 12:27

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 16/06/2025 11:47

Why doesn't he pay for half the stuff for the children? They're half his after all.

If he's intent on splitting everything 50/50 he can also split the children costs.

And the childcare and housework. He's using you, living in your house rent free. Cf!

KatyaKat · 16/06/2025 12:27

bluecurtains14 · 16/06/2025 12:22

Why aren't you married? You are in a hugely vulnerable position and if he refuses marriage/civil partnership then ideally you need to work more and he needs to pay 50% of the childcare costs (realise finding childcare can be an issue). This is why having kids outside of marriage often screws the woman.

She absolutely does not want to be married to him - she owns her own house, and marriage could mean he attempts to claim half in the event of divorce.

KatyaKat · 16/06/2025 12:29

@Littleredpanda23 please don't accept this anymore from him. Many posters have given sound advice on making him share expenses, and if he won't, quite simply, he needs to leave, because that shows he quite clearly doesn't care about you or his child/children

Tiswa · 16/06/2025 12:29

Minimum claim the benefots

realistically get rid it is your house he hasn’t paid towards it so send him packing claim benefits and CMS

Mrsttcno1 · 16/06/2025 12:31

bluecurtains14 · 16/06/2025 12:22

Why aren't you married? You are in a hugely vulnerable position and if he refuses marriage/civil partnership then ideally you need to work more and he needs to pay 50% of the childcare costs (realise finding childcare can be an issue). This is why having kids outside of marriage often screws the woman.

It pays for OP not to be married here in some ways, the house is hers & hers alone.

StrawberryWater · 16/06/2025 12:31

What the hell does he spend his money on? Treating himself I bet.

Tell him he either starts paying half of everything or he gets lost. He's a selfish prick.

HurdyGurdy19 · 16/06/2025 12:31

You absolutely should be claiming every benefit you are entitled to.

If that is going to mess up his tax or whatever the accountant reckons, then the alternative is that he pays for far more than he does.

You made a rod for your own back by taking on the responsibility of paying for everything. Now you need to turn this around. And stand firm on it.

From now on, if he's not "allowing" you to claim benefits, then before you pay for anything, you show him the bill, or the price of whatever the children need, or whateverelse it is, and say "this is what needs to be paid/bought. Please transfer me your 50% share asap" as I can't spend the money without your contribution. If you don't/won't/can't, then I AM going to claim the benefits. The choice is yours"

Michele09 · 16/06/2025 12:32

bluecurtains14 · 16/06/2025 12:22

Why aren't you married? You are in a hugely vulnerable position and if he refuses marriage/civil partnership then ideally you need to work more and he needs to pay 50% of the childcare costs (realise finding childcare can be an issue). This is why having kids outside of marriage often screws the woman.

She owns the house so she is better off not married.

Addictforanex · 16/06/2025 12:34

OMG. This is untenable.

As others have said - do a proper budget - money saving expert has a good template. Work out what are joint costs, vs what are your individual costs.

Your individual costs are things like getting your hair cut and any nights out with your mates - not food and kids clothes FFS. Joint costs get split proportional to income and come out of a joint account - work out the Standing Order that each of you need to put in every month. If he moans remind him he is paying no rent or housing costs because you have subsidized that.

Don’t understand the relationship to your benefits and his taxes so his accountant needs to fully explain that to you both so you can make an informed decision as to what is the best course of action for you as a household - not him personally.

JLou08 · 16/06/2025 12:34

This sounds like it could be bordering financial abuse. Your working part time to raise a disabled child who is the responsibility of both you and your partner. You should either have joint finances or he should be topping up your income.

PetiteBlondeDuBoulevardBrune · 16/06/2025 12:35

Stop paying for all the extras! Tell him that you paid for x years, now it is his turn.
Also ask him if he prefers for you to go FT and organise (and pay for) childcare and a cleaner.
or if he accepts that you being part time if for the household’s benefit.
Lastly, claim any benefit you are entitled to. His accountant sounds lazy.

FeedingPidgeons · 16/06/2025 12:36

RowsOfFlowers · 16/06/2025 12:25

Agree with this — you ARE in a vulnerable position and you are the one that’s being penalised financially by doing more of the childcare and it impacting your income. He absolutely needs to pay more. Sorry to say this, but if he refuses, you need to become a single household and apply for benefits yourself.

Show quote history

Disagree because she owns the house outright with no mortgage.

Her best option is for him to pay a fair share of costs

If he won't, he will need to leave so she can claim CM and benefits.

Either way the status quo is untenable.

OP why are you allowing this man to mug you off?

ShanghaiDiva · 16/06/2025 12:36

Hankunamatata · 16/06/2025 11:53

Apply for the benefits you are entitled to!

They have a household income of over £70k and he should be supporting his children and his partner.

Passthecake30 · 16/06/2025 12:38

Can’t you have a joint account where joint bills (food, energy, kids) comes out of? My dp also doesn’t think of what the kids need in terms of clothing, school trip payments etc, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t pay.

everychildmatters · 16/06/2025 12:39

Half of all bills would be a good starting point.

SparklyGlitterballs · 16/06/2025 12:39

Agree, he's a cocklodger. Tell him he either pays half of the kids expenses/animal expenses/insurances/food, or you'll start claiming the benefits you're entitled to. If he doesn't like it he can leave and start paying rent somewhere and you'll also claim child support. Remind him you're working part time to support your disabled child.

BMW6 · 16/06/2025 12:43

I'm really REALLY fed up of these endless Cocklodger threads.

I don't know who I'm angrier with - the Cocklodgers or the hapless stupid women who go along with it for more than a week.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/06/2025 12:48

Temporaryname158 · 16/06/2025 12:16

Divorce, this is financial abuse.

and before you do get copies of all his pay documents so you can prove deprivation of money if he tries to pretend he earns nothing!

all child expenses should be halved and you should pay bills proportionally according to income.

Approach him to discuss and if he won’t, serve him divorce papers

Please read! They are not married.

Dogaredabomb · 16/06/2025 12:49

Why doesn't he care about you and his children? It's sociopathic to sit on his money and let you get ground into dust.

Dogaredabomb · 16/06/2025 12:49

Kick him out, he's horrible.

beesandstrawberries · 16/06/2025 12:52

You are together and have kids - of which you are the primary carer for them. Yet you HALF bills?!?!? Sorry, I couldn’t even read past that as I’m baffled. Being in a relationship with children, the finances should be one pot: the fact that your earnings cannot be maximised due to the fact that you look after your joint children yet somehow he benefits by living in your paid off home and has no rent costs but only contributes half to bills? I’ve never heard of anyone more scummy than him and I’m sorry to say but you’re fully being taken advantage of