Financial issues with partner

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner is self employed and earns around £50,000 - 60,000 a year, I work part time and earn about £12,000 a year. We're NOT married and we have kids, one has special needs (hence why realistically i can only work part time unfortunately).
As my partner is self employed the only benefits I receive are child benefit and child disability (so about £300 a month or so), apparently his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to....so in total I have about £1300 a month income.
I bought the house (myself) many years ago so we have no mortgage. We half all the bills. I pay for all the extras (that he never even thinks about) such as kids clothes, classes, stuff for pets, vet bils, home insurance, food, etc. I also do ALL of the housework, child care and general house management/arranging everything stuff....and I am absolutely suffering financially right now! I am currently £700 in overdraft (like every month) and still have an electricity bill due this month and the kids schol uniforms for next year have to be ordered into the school by mid July. I never buy anything for myself, no new clothes in years, I can never afford to meet friends for meals, etc. My full wage goes on bills and kid related things. I'm actually falling into I'll health due to the constant 24/7 worry about money and was actually recently in hospital with heart issues/high blood pressure. When i ask him to take over some of my bills for that month or pay for some of the kids things, he (usually) does it but has a go at me and he says I need to take more hours at work or get a second job. Am I wrong for asking him to take on more financially? Even if he'd take all the bills then I'd still be happy to cover the kids stuff and that. Am I in the wrong?

Hi
I cannot believe that this man thinks that it’s acceptable for you to shoulder this amount of responsibility for household bills. IMO
he is earning approximately 5 times what you are earning. He should be paying 4/5ths if everything PLUS rent to you as it’s your house. In other words your meagre income should be yours to spend or save as you choose. I would not consider this man as a respectful, loving husband/partner. Get rid of him. You’d be better off all round. Financially and emotionally.
Look after yourself and get on with ejecting this selfish piece of s..t from your family.

He literally does know he is ripping you iff and not paying you for lodging, care, and food. Of course he knows. Don’t be ridiculous. And don’t be more of a fool than you already are.

The only benefit you can claim whilst in a couple with him is Carers Allowance for looking after your disabled DC (assuming they get middle or high rate of the care component).

The reason he and his accountant don't want you to claim that is that they're offsetting some of your tax free allowance against his income. So effectively, because you're a lower earner, he's paying less tax on his income by transferring some of your tax free allowance to himself.

Carers Allowance is a taxable benefit and you'd be earning too much from your job combined with the CA for him to continue doing this.

If you're actually earning £12k per annum, he's only saving £570 in tax per year whilst preventing you from claiming a benefit that is worth over £4k to you.

He's a prize twat and a financial abuser OP. He's not even a very clever financial abuser because if he was, he'd have you claim the CA and make you split it with him or somehow take it away from you.

Add up all bills

council tax
utilities
food
insurance
phones
etc
then add on more for kids clothes etc each month

then contribute in % relative to income

eg bills total 2k a month
you earn 1300
he earns 3000 therefore contribute 30% to household income so you contribute £600 to bills

that’s the fairest way if you don’t just want one joint account

Like everybody else is saying - you should have a joint account where he should contribute a larger portion of his income, as he earns more and they are his children. OR both of you pay in to your joint account most of your money and just take out an equal amount for your private expenses (not bills or children's stuff, but like your own clothes, cosmetics, etc). If he doesn't agree, chuck him out and claim child maintenance from him... I don't understand why are you so soft and afraid of him... he's taking advantage of you.

Right so he just about pays for himself....

if you kicked him out youd be able to claim full benefit entitlement AND CMS of £700 ish per month...

Not sure what the dilemma is.

He KNOWS you are buying all kids stuff and doesnt give a shit about you or how you struggle.

You have a debt free house or you and your kids so you'll always have a home.

If you claim the benefits you are entitled to plus get CMS claim regarding his children, you will then be able to afford to live.

He is unbelievable. No contribution to housing or his children.

Why are you putting up with this and allowing him to that you and the children so poorly?

He's seen you coming

Go and get financial and benefit advice of your own

Then make plans.

And collect any financial evidence you can because he and his accountant will hide his earnings when it comes to child support

I voted YABU because why the hell are you putting up with this?!

Claim everything you are entitled to and kick him out. He doesn't care about you if he can watch you struggle. If you dont want to kick him out, start charging him rent and half the kids expenses.

Seriously, you have to stand up for yourself.

Sorry — what exactly do you disagree with?

Why are couples not getting married before having children - it’s a much better protection.

Yes, she may own her house outright, but she is cash poor… she said she’s £700 into her overdraft and on £12k a year.

If he’s not paying and pulling his weight now, who’s to say he ever will?! I don’t understand why people choose to have children under these kinds of circumstances

Ridiculous. He earns good money and is living rent/mortgage free in your house and still not contributing properly to family expenses. He’s taking you for a fool.

Same.

I hope the OP is reading all these posts and taking the good advice even if she is not commenting on them.

So tell him.

"I had to buy xyz, it was xxxx you owe me half"

OP this is horrible behavior on his side. Yes in many relationships one of the couple (often the mom) takes on the responsibility of ordering and paying for clothes, shoes, clubs etc., but that does not mean the other one doesn’t contribute financially!

No decent person would do this.

Hopefully this is a wake up call for you as to the financial abuse.

Do you tell him ? He may 'not think' but if you don't tell him he won't ever know (not that I believe that for a second)

Exactly this. All our money is shared. We use one credit card and he pays it off each month and then his spare money moves to my joint account (where my wages are paid) for all remaining bills. If he needs cash he moves it out of the joint account but gives me a heads up so that I know I’ve kept enough in there for bills (I like to move out leftovers into savings account for holidays rather than waste it)

In OP's case it would mean him having a claim on her house. Now she can just kick him out and she doesn't have to sell it and give him any of the money.

He's taking the utter piss out of you.

So you pay over 50% of the outgoings
Do all childcare
Do all housework (and cooking?)

He meanwhile pays less than 50% and that's it.

On what planet is that fair? How are you both justifying this?

See I still think it’s terrible that this wasn’t discussed prior to having children.

Another person on benefits now 🤷‍♀️

Any man who watches the mother of his children
earn just £12,000 a year AND
do all the housework
buy everything for the kids
look after the kids including one with special needs
have no money for herself
struggle with mental health issues and ongoing stress due to all the above
and yet pays half of everything and lives in her paid for house and says she should get another job

is an absolute scumbag.

how on earth could you cope on your own? You should be married to protect yourself.

It def sounds like financial abuse. Either assertiveness needs to be employed, or he needs to leave the property - it’s not a partnership

Do you really think a discussion before would have likely changed things? Even then, some men promise the world and then it simply doesn't happen.

Would be more benefits if they had to pay for her rent too.

Get married and get a joint account.
Or charge him rent at the full market rate.
Or get rid.