To think people saying “I’m setting boundaries” are often just being selfish and dressing it up nicely?

[AmpleJadeSloth]

Not everyone who disagrees with you is toxic.

People are entitled to be selfish sometimes. There has to be give and take on both sides.

Why shouldn't they be selfish?

I think setting boundaries is good but we have to be honest with ourselves about our motivations.

I couldn't care less if me setting boundries is seen as selfish tbh.

The alternative has been letting people walk all over me.

I'm entitled to be 'selfish' sometimes.

Needs more context. I shut my laptop at 6pm because I have work life boundaries. Am I being selfish?

For me when I hear a person complaining about someone setting boundaries then that's a huge red flag against that person for me.

No, i actually think it's deeply weird that there's a lot of people out there who want to insist on still engaging with another person in a way that they know upsets them....

If someone i cared about told me they needed to do something differently because the current status quo was causing them upset, then why on earth would I keep insisting that they do it the old way because it was more convenient/appealing for me... sometimes you need to reach a compromise, yes, but a lot of the time when I read about people setting boundaries and the other person kicking off, it's not about necessary stuff, it's about things like 'why won't you text me back on the same day, I'm bored and lonely'

I don't know. It depends.

One of my siblings is incredibly annoying with the boundaries he sets. I do see him as selfish. But...he has to be I think, because otherwise his own mental health would suffer. He's been suicidal in the past, so I'd rather he was selfish and alive, than the alternative.

My mum used to be incredibly selfish. The impact of her actions on those around her were horrendous. She was abusive throughout my life. However, in her older years if she'd ever recognised what she had done, actually looked outside of herself, she too would have ended her life as I don't think she could have been able to bare what she saw.

Selfishness is basically self-protection. I don't like it because it neglects others needs and often causes people to act in ways that harm or neglect others. But, it keeps people safe so it serves a necessary function for those that display it.

In my opinion, when people 'set boundaries' it's often about asserting their needs ahead of others, if being selfish. But sometimes they need to be for their own sake.

This life is hard.

It entirely depends on what sort of “boundaries” you’re referring to.

I have a steadfast boundary that I say no to things I’d rather not do, which is not selfish in itself. It would become selfish if I didn’t have the boundary in the first place and instead said yes to things I’d rather not do, and then let people down by not showing up or messing them around at the last minute.

My friends therefore always know exactly where they stand with me, and can rely on me and my word. People appreciate this far more than so-called “people pleasers” who they never know where they stand with and who are often resentful and unreliable.

God forbid people should actually think of themselves occasionally.

It's a broad spectrum, I think. There are many people who genuinely need to draw boundaries to protect themselves, and there are those who hide behind the phrase "setting boundaries" to excuse their callous behaviour, and many somewhere inbetween.

I think people get used to a person being a certain way. They take it for granted. When that changes, the word no starts being said and boundaries set they're the devil incarnate and a selfish cunt.

I think that if people think badly of you for setting a boundary then they're the ones who need them.

Sometimes, yes. Sometimes I think it slides from setting completely healthy boundaries into 'I don't owe any anybody anything'.

Setting appropriate boundaries is a way to protect yourself and what you will or won't accept. For many who have been 'people pleasers' all their lives setting boundaries can be extremely liberating and a way of protecting themselves from complete burnout. The pushback received from putting those boundaries in place is often very telling of the people pushing back. Boundaries are a healthy way of saying to others what you will and won't accept. Selfishness is something else entirely in my experience.

It depends entirely on the context. Some people might say that someone claiming that setting boundaries is “selfish” is actually just stomping their feet because that person won’t just roll over and do what they want.

Not necessarily selfish, often just ‘not being a mug’. I have a relative who regularly asks me to lend them money (not large amounts, £20-50). I have never had a penny back. So the last time I was asked I refused, because I’ve put a boundary in place that I won’t lend money to a person that still owes me money. I’m not completely selfish. I’ll still lend money, but I won’t have someone make a dick out of me.

This 100 per cent. I’ve set a certain boundary with a friend of many years for reasons I won’t go into here. I used to be such a people pleaser but now certain things don’t suit me anymore. I’m sure she’s pissed off and confused but no more setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm. Crack on. I won’t be shifting on this

I set a boundary the other day. Drove 40 miles to meet a family member for lunch. Upon arrival at the destination, she texted to say she would be two hours late due to an issue at work. Thankfully, I was meeting up with other people so said, no problem let me know when you're finished and we'll go from there. She then decided to change the venue to one nearer her, again not an issue, I can be flexible. But then I received text after text pushing the time later and later until she was suggesting early evening. At this point, I thought ' nah, you're taking the piss now'and decided to put a stop to it so in a very nice way said let's forget about today. And do you know what? She Really didn't like it, as she was so used to me bending over backwards to accommodate her. With these people you really need very firm boundaries. You'll be taken for a mug if you dont.

Take a nosey over to the relationships thread to see women who should have set boundaries a long time ago but didn't due to gender stereotypes of our roles.

Why is selfish seen as a bad thing? Surely it perfectly fine to put your own needs first? What idiot is going to put a strangers first?

Setting boundaries is normal, healthy, and necessary. What boundaries did someone set that you think are unreasonable?

Would be interested in a bit more context here. I think you're probably right in some cases.

Sometimes boundaries are needed or people can take advantage.

A colleague of mine recently said that “her sister and these new boundaries she has are very selfish” about her sister who was divorcing her husband.

She then went on to describe her sister’s husband basically as a self centred entitled cheat who gaslit her sister and manipulated and triangulated all around him manipulating other people on how things “should” be when he had no more of an intention of applying those rules to himself than the man in the moon.

I found my colleague’s perspective on her sister’s boundaries illogical and very lacking in empathy to what it must be like for her sister divorcing a man like that.

Boundaries are a way of communicating your personal limitations. Life is very busy. We are not robots. People communicating their limits is as it should be.

Yes, for women the opposite of setting boundaries is either fawning/people pleasing or totally resentful martyring.