To think people saying “I’m setting boundaries” are often just being selfish and dressing it up nicely?

[AmpleJadeSloth]

Not everyone who disagrees with you is toxic.

Exactly. It depends on the situation. This is just a post from a goady OP with no context though, and I don't want to waste my time and energy engaging any further.

Too vague. I think overall, boundaries are a good thing. I do tend to think that people talking about boundaries is sometimes a bad thing - it can get very blurry and unclear. Also, a lot of people talk about boundaries and think that everyone else has to adhere to those. Whereas I think boundaries are really about whatyou will/will not do/accept.

So my mother would call at inconvenient times and if I did not answer, would get very upset and call repeatedly, leave hysterical messages or even call other members of the family to get THEM to call me. My boundary is that I made it very clear to my mother (and other relatives when they got involved) that no, I could NOT always answer the phone while at work and that I ALWAYS return calls on the same day, so they can all hound and shout and listen to my mother's hysterics as much as they want, but it wouldn't change what I would do. I would have liked it if she would stop doing all those things, but I wasn't going to take responsibility for her behaviour. That is a boundary.

Whereas SIL in the same situation would rant and rage at her mother for "disrespecting" her boundaries. Which was just pointless.

I’d be very interested to know this too

Setting boundaries is something we do for our own mental (or sometimes physical) wellbeing, and so is inherently selfish. But so what? We aren’t here solely to please others.

If you set a boundary you do it with the knowledge the other person might be pissed ofd to inconvenienced, or may not want to be your friend any more, but that’s the choice you make. You don’t necessarily want someone in your life who can’t understand a reasonable boundary.

Boundaries used as a means of control are worrying.
I've read on here loads where people say they have 'boundaries' that basically mean their partner can't do something. That's not okay. If you're not happy with how someone acts/speaks/interacts with you, then you remove yourself.

If it's the type of person to shirk responsibility and helping someone then it's selfish and shows the selfish state of selfish society. Long gone are supportive communities, just selfish and there are a lot of lonely people because of that.

One of those therapy terms that some people definitely like using because they know that it reflects badly on anyone who questions it.

I wouldn't ever use the term because of this.

I would rather if I suggested coffee or lunch on Saturday morning that someone said I'm sorry eating out is not in my budget this month ( boundary not spending money they don't have to keep peace etc) but I'd be up for you meeting at my house
or I have had some much going on I really need this weekend at home just to catch up and recharge I have no more energy to gice to anything so unless it's been planned for months it's no to social events this month ( boundary knowing they really can't burn out)
rather than say yes then text excuses on Saturday morning because they realise actually they don't have the energy or money

this is entirely different to just not doing things you don't want to when it has been planned in advance you were consulted and then you make up a boundary, or something someone needs you to help with or organise or support. We all have to do stuff we don't like for the benefit of finances, family relationships, sometimes friendships, if a friend has been there for you on countless occasions it is selfish to put up a boundary when they need you, or to refuse to take your child to the playground soft play birthday parties because it doesn't interest you, or on holiday not taking other members of the family's interests into account, sometimes we just can't have things our own way all the time, but neither should it be never our way

No I don't want to buy £100 tickets to see the ballet with you

So what if that's selfish? I'm protecting my time and money

You don't need the term. You just finish work at 6pm. End of.

If doing something to benefit someone else is detrimental to yourself that’s when boundaries come in? If you chose not to do something for someone else that wouldn’t be detrimental to you that might count as selfish. Maybe 😂

I disagree OP, setting boundaries is extremely important for self growth and self respect. As is taking responsibility for your own actions and asking for help from appropriate people/channels when needed.

The opposite is being thin skinned with weak boundaries, not taking responsibility and not getting help to improve your own situation which is leaving someone emotionally stunted and is mentally unhealthy. Always the victim in a pity party.

I agree with this quote though. Most people that disagree with you aren't toxic, they have different experiences that lead them to think / feel in a different way. There should be a bigger emphasis on live and let live / agree to disagree. If it isn't harming you or others then crack on.

Boundaries I see in a different way, it's self preservation and protection against those that actually want to cause you harm or take peace of mind from you.

No I don't OP. People have been right piss takers in the past and given me the ridiculous run around asking me to do things that aren't reasonable. I can't put myself through that any more.
I'll listen to the request but if I feel it isn't reasonable or will affect my life adversely in the long run then I have no problems setting boundaries and saying no.

Boundaries are healthy.
I suspect that those who think of them as "selfish" are those who view them as a block to getting what they want from other people.

Fair. I’m always baffled at Mn threads about longterm ‘friends’ posters appear to dislike intensely, or complaining about a family member who is regularly rude to them never calling to see them!

Needing time to yourself to decompress, reset, pursue a hobby, stuff like that = healthy boundary.

Spending every weekend travelling to the football, getting pissed and spending the next day hungover while your partner picks up the childcare and other slack, under the guise of setting a boundary around needing time for yourself = selfish.

Nothing about boundaries are inherently selfish, they're not the same thing.

Depends on the boundary op. Can you give us an example please?
I know a neighbor of mine's daughter is furious with my neighbor as my neighbor just retired and her daughter assumed that she would take on all childcare.

My neighbor introduced a boundary that she does not want to commit to giving regular childcare and I think that is fair.

In my experience, it’s more that people who were benefiting from other people’s lack of boundaries, get cross and accuse those people of selfishness when those people finally begin valuing their own time, energy and desires. Regardless of how much the accuser has taken from that person in the past, they think calling them selfish justifies the advantage they’ve taken of them previously.

As I said earlier, all th etalk of "boundaries" annoys me. But I will say that I don't even think a bounary has to be "fair". If my boundary is that I don't go out in the week, ever, no matter what it' spretty clear that it is probably not a "fair" boundary and it is intrinsically selfish. And as a result, there will be consequences - I will lose friends, my relationship with my children might suffer, I will lose out on opportunities. Those consequences are mine to bear. You have every right to say that I am being ridiculous and silly and unfair, but that doesn't mean I'm not "allowed" the boundary.

I think that's the point. Boundaries are about what I am willing to do or not do or accept or not accept. And often those ARE selfish, and that's fine, but then I have to accept the consequences too.

Of course, lots of peopel seem to thin the word "boundaries" is some sort of magic bullet. "Oh, you can't complain because I have the right to have boundaries" which I 100% disagree with.

If anything, women as a whole need to show a bit more selfishness in my opinion. Why shouldn’t they? As long as no one is being physically hurt by it, what’s the problem?

I think this is a pretty good summary!

OP, I have voted YANBU because I definitely have been frustrated at people who claim they are putting up boundaries when really they are just being selfish. But they use the term as a way to imply that anyone who challenges them is in the wrong. Also I'm not mad keen on the therapy speak for just normal day interactions. It sort of escalates things that don't need it.

As for the poster who asked why shouldn't people be selfish; well, we live in a society and everything is give and take. Sometimes we do things that inconvenience us, sometimes we don't get our own way. And that's fine. So long as we don't allow ourselves to be walked all over. There should be both give and take.

I think people don’t always mean or understand the same thing by ‘boundaries’.

Working your contracted hours at work and not logging on at home to do tons more unpaid work because you want a firm work/life boundary = totally reasonable

Telling your neighbours nobody is allowed to park in the unrestricted parking space outside your house because it ruins the aesthetic of your sitting room when cars are visible from your window = unreasonable

(the latter has been an ongoing saga in the life of a friend of mine who really struggles to understand that ‘setting a boundary’ isn’t a magical incantation you can use to make people do whatever you want them to)

Yes, female self-centredness should actively be encouraged.

It’s not about control. Surely we all have the (unspoken) boundary that we wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a paedophile, or somebody who beat us? That’s not controlling, it’s just stating what you wouldn’t tolerate in a relationship.