To think people saying “I’m setting boundaries” are often just being selfish and dressing it up nicely?

[AmpleJadeSloth]

Not everyone who disagrees with you is toxic.

Quite.

Self-care is not necessarily selfish. It may be essential. It’s often seen as selfish when the applier is changing the goalposts and bringing it in later in life, are maybe emotionally struggling with the new boundaries and asserting it for themselves, and it comes across a bit aggressively.

People have the right to set boundaries and you have the right to either accept them or not have that person in your life.

Sometimes, yes they are being selfish. But also sometimes they are people who have spent a lifetime giving and have no more to give

This.

I’ve been a chronic people pleaser all my life, and I’ve watched people take the glory for work I have done and get promoted before me. I made a decision last year that I was going to stop helping people (doing their jobs for them) unless it benefited me in some way, so when someone asked me to run a seminar for them ‘because you’re so good at it 🙄’ I said no instead of telling them I’d be happy to help. I’d have spent two days preparing and delivering that seminar for no reward or recognition at the expense of my own work.

Boundaries are important, and they mean that people are less likely to take advantage of you. I’m enjoying not picking up other people’s crap.

I agree that some people might need to set what seem like really selfish boundaries for the sake of their mental health. But then I think that the people who get impacted by that have to protect themselves as well from the fallout. You sometimes find that those who set very strong boundaries have double standards and are no respecters of other people's boundaries. Then you start getting into the realms of narcissism.

I love your anecdote as it reminds me so much of an old friend of mine, who has been on my mind for the last few weeks strangely enough! She was the original enforcer of 'strong boundaries ', before there was even such a term for it. Everything had to be entirely on her terms: when she wanted to see you, where that would be, what were acceptable topics of conversation, and would happily say no to anything that didn't agree with her idea of a good use of time... I used to think of her ways as praise worthy and admire how confident she was at being so uncompromisingly herself. Older me recognises she was utterly selfish and a really shit friend. I learnt to sideline my own wants and needs in her company because they'd be shut down and I'd be made to feel guilty for even asking. She was very ' psychic, new age hippy chick'and wrapped up in the guise of her superior levels of emotional intelligence and insight, would delight in telling you exactly what you were doing 'wrong'and how you were 'too needy'and lacking 'independence', if you so much dared to ask for a coffee date with her! She'd write me pages and pages of letters of things I needed to work on to improve myself. But ironically, she was far from perfect herself; she slept with friends exes and couldn't understand why possibly they might feel hurt. Yet, she was incandescent with jealousy and rage if you were too friendly with her own partner, on the rare occasion you were 'allowed'to meet them. Looking back, a very odd woman!

I set boundaries for myself and for the sake of my kids. Sometimes it’s really hard to do (like with my parents for example) but I won’t ever apologise for it.

I would agree that the people with the biggest boundaries are those who have never been “people pleasers”.

Dh has a friend whose catchphrase is “Why should I?” He lives his life forever on the alert for people getting one over on him. Certainly no one likes to be taken advantage of, but he will not put himself out ever for fear that his books aren’t balancing.

Also I do see on here people who are egged on to have “boundaries” with their in-laws, at the risk of relations breaking down. Not over big things, but trivialities such as advent calendars. That’s not having boundaries, that’s just using the term to justify trying to eliminate in-laws - who let’s face it are nearly always annoying!

No, sometimes people take too much. People should set boundaries and if it is said to you too much - ,maybe you are taking too much from them.

Oh my God. The one I knew was EXACTLY the same. Her new lover was into astral projection. And she was super quick to tell other people what was ' wrong ' with them and what they needed to do to put it right. Are you sure it wasn't the same woman. 😂

Tbh this OP is the sort of take one of my relatives has. They’d completely miss the point about why someone (me) would feel the need to put in some boundaries and convince themselves it was over a really minor disagreement. When actually it’s because the relative is a selfish, manipulative freeloader who causes unnecessary drama.

Sometimes you have to have boundaries to protect your own mental health or because the resentment you’re feeling is making you a person you don’t want to be.

There's a difference between "strong" boundaries and selfish ones. I have a couple of very strong boundaries that are in place for self protection reasons. They are strong in that there's a line I will not let anyone cross, but then again people trying to cross that line is IMO a piss take in the first place.

One example is when a work place talks about being "flexible" around working hours. Fine if you're in a high paid job, but more than once I've been expected to be "flexible" with my time in a low level admin role but when it comes to them being "flexible" with me that's off the table. An expectation that I'll work all the hours God gives when we were busy for no reward, but when we weren't busy still have to turn up for a full working day every day. So now I only work "flexible" hours if it's formally recorded flexi time. That's a strong boundary for me, but I think not a selfish one but just protective.

I totally understand this. It just means ‘learning to say no’ occasionally

I have a boundary with my elderly neighbours, who would otherwise be expecting help, support and companionship all the time. What they can’t see is that I also have my own elderly relatives living elsewhere to support, as well as my job to do and children at school!

So I will pick up a prescription for them, chat if I see them in the garden, help the one who keeps struggling with the mobility scooter, pass on the bin collection timetable (council stopped doing a printed version and they couldn’t get online), put their bins out and put them back again, let their daughter know if something seems to be wrong.
But I won’t do lifts to medical appointments (I’m working and they have a taxi account but I’d be “free”), pick them up off the floor if they fall (not safe as I don’t have the skills or equipment) or go and have coffee with them several times a week (no time, I’m working!).

People don't usually feel the need to state they are setting boundaries unless someone is encroaching unreasonably and needs some firmer management.

Otherwise we all have boundaries. Nothing wrong with that.

Sadly in my family the opposite is true.

Boundaries for nice normal people are a good thing, but sometimes the concept is misused by toxic people as a socially acceptable justification to impose their inherent nastiness and selfishness on others!

Very true

I think you are right that there is a recent trend of justifying selfish and nasty behaviour using therapy language.

I think a lot of people conveniently have “boundaries” when it might be time to return a favour.

Dm spent her whole life dancing round dsis, including providing 48 weeks a year all-day childcare. When dm got cancer, dsis pronounced that she was setting firm boundaries around “my time”.

It’s really important for your own well-being to know the difference between being self-caring and being selfish. Self-care is about recognising your own needs and putting yourself first when necessary (eg putting your own oxygen mask on in the aeroplane before helping anyone else) and selfish is where you put yourself first at the expense of or harm to others (eg queue jumping). Holding your own self-care boundaries around other selfish people is the hard one!

That's hilarious! Her name didn't begin with 'n' did it?! Sadly, there's lots of these self righteous, hypocrites floating around. For all their talk of 'peace, love and harmony ', they are the most lacking in self awareness and compassion. I used to think my old friend spent so long living in her cloak of spirituality and enlightenment, she'd forgotten how to live down here on planet earth!

It depends. I've historically been a people pleaser and it led to being treated line a doormat. I did form some boundaries to protect myself and ensure more healthy dynamics. I'm still kind and polite put no longer a pushover. (I never announced this to anyone but it would have been evident from my behaviour. )

I agree that selfishness to a degree is not a bad thing. We all have to take care of the "self" because no one else will.

But there are some naturally self centred people who use "boundaries" as an excuse to behave badly and - ironically - this can mean riding roughshod over the boundaries of others. I'm reminded of a post I read on here once where the OP's narc husband announced that one of his "boundaries" was receiving sex (from her) x times a week for his mental and physical wellbeing. HER boundaries didn't seem to register with him.

I have noticed recently that people who use 'boundaries' as a reason to excuse their behaviour, only ever use them on vulnerable people.
They're still shit scared of bullies.

I have no issues with people having boundaries. It's healthy. I have an issue with people using them to impose their will on others.

My firm line is that it's give and take. I'm happy to extend my boundaries in some circumstances if someone is in need. But you can fuck right off if you're practicing on me or just doing it to see if it someone is cowed by you.

It's a very fine line.

There's an acquaintance I have on social media who is forever posting shit on FB like a picture of him with candles in his bathrobe with captions such as "setting my boundaries, have cancelled my plans to prioritise selfcare. Never feel bad for putting yourself first" etc. Paints himself as this wellness yoga guru type when really he strikes me as just a very flakey, selfish person who will drop you at a moments notice.