To think people saying “I’m setting boundaries” are often just being selfish and dressing it up nicely?

[AmpleJadeSloth]

Not everyone who disagrees with you is toxic.

Interesting thread!

It stands to reason that if everyone puts their own needs first, others are going to lose out!

This is why I didn’t always get on very well with therapy because it didn’t seem to take in to account sufficiently well that we live with others who have equally valid needs as our own

Also, sometimes, it’s rewarding to help others and put yourself second!

That’s not to say that we shouldn’t have boundaries when people try and take advantage of us. But give and take is necessary!

Exactly!

I’m not a religious person, but I think if we all lived by “Do unto others” the world would be a better place.

I watch a YouTuber and she said last week that she cancelled a friend at the last minute to prioritise self-care and good friends will understand you doing this. Hmmmm - maybe - but it really just sounds like letting someone down and instead of apologising - or - novel idea - turning up - spouting a whole load of therapy bollocks such that the dumped friend has to take it on the chin to “be kind”.

Totally agree.

No not with ' n'.😀I agree. There's a lot of it about. We're joking about it, and it is funny, but on another level people like that can be dangerous and undermine others. It's important to be vigilant and suss out those types otherwise you can get sucked in and end up being used.

Context is everything. If that person has never done that before (cancelling at the last minute) and the friend is aware they have a lot of stuff going on in their life, that’s one thing. I’d be understanding in that situation.

If it’s every other time we meet up then I’d think she was flaky and start avoiding making plans with her.

Absolutely. It's about context and balance isn't it. If we all went round putting our needs first all the time the world would collapse pretty quickly..On the other hand, if we let other people walk all over us. we'd all soon be wrecks cowering in a corner.. I agree about therapy. A therapist has to be very clever and skilled, and really able to grasp a situation in a balanced way. There are far too many people who are therapists who are not skilled enough. And, dare I say it, some who are in it because it's a good way to make quite a bit of money per hour.

" on his 😂bathrobe"😂😂

Yes, absolutely. Ultimately, they bully people into submission through their use of " boundaries ", and take no accountability whatsoever for their actions. My old friend would often cancel last minute ( when she had a better offer), but my natural reaction to be a little hurt would somehow be turned around into a ' me' problem: I apparently wasn't resilient enough or was too reliant or not independent enough etc etc. Very toxic behaviour, bordering on narcissism

@Daygloboo sorry, forgot to quote you

..In more extreme forms, this is the kind of behaviour of cult leaders. They dismiss everybody else's needs while erecting strict boundaries around their own behaviour... so that no-one is ever allowed to challenge a single twisted rule they make. That's why negotiation and balance are so important in all interactions.

Depends on the boundaries, to me anyway. There are some I’d call ‘precious’, e.g. new parents who don’t even want grandparents visiting for 3 weeks.

(And later will probably complain that GPs aren’t doing enough free childcare.)

That's a great way of putting it. Spot on.

I don't think it's selfish. For ages I was everyone's useful idiot and had friends that liked me for the things I did for them more than the person that I am. Now I've set boundaries, I have less friends, but they like me for the person that I am. People where complain about boundaries are users and abusers in my opinion - and when you set boundaries that get grumpy because they can't take advantage anymore. Boundaries make mental health and friendships sustainable. OP think of the things that you are expecting if others and have put boundaries up - are these not things you can do for yourself? People shouldn't be expected to baby you

I don't complain about lack of free child care, my kid is my responsibility, but there's no way I'm letting my MIL see my baby before 3 weeks. She's an advice bombing cow who expects us to host her lavishly when we can barely get our laundry done. She can wait her turn - my baby, my time, my rules. She will probably treat my daughter like a dolly and kiss her on the face even though she's not had vaccines 🙄 I'm already dreading having her in my house - she has no damn manners.

@AmpleJadeSloth youve just tested my long-standing boundary that I don't bother investing thought or time on a thread where the OP posts a one liner and then doesn't bother returning.

that makes me really really selfish [preens]

It’s just language, isn’t it? Setting boundaries is the same as not letting people take the piss, and that’s not a new concept!

Oh I agree. But the trouble is these days some people are using the term in a different way. Saying you are setting your own boundaries that actually demand that others boundaries are broken isn't the same thing e.g. saying your boundary is that you don't do any of of the housework isn't boundary setting, it's pure selfishness. On the other hand saying you are setting a boundary that when another occupant of the house gets drunk & throws up in their bed is their problem not yours, that's closer.

Worse would be something like saying your "boundary" is that you insist on carrying out something like a sexual act that your partner doesn't want to do - that's your selfish desire trying to cross their boundary.

A boundary is a wall you put around yourself, NOT actions that cross other's walls.

Women really need boundaries because men certainly do have them.