To think people saying “I’m setting boundaries” are often just being selfish and dressing it up nicely?

[AmpleJadeSloth]

Not everyone who disagrees with you is toxic.

On the whole, people with good mental health who are born to parents with good mental health don't need to "set boundaries". They already have them. They grew up with them. They mostly priotise themselves and others as is appropriate. They are mostly able to recognise when another person treats them poorly and don't accept it.

People with poor mental health (or people who grew up in families with mentaly unwell parents/relatives), who are seeking to make a change towards their own health and wellbeing may need to impose perfectly ordinary boundaries as part of that process because they were previously lacking.

It's a move towards normal. Not an abnormal thing.

I can imagine that the mentaly unwell relatives of these people find the push back to be deeply uncomfortable, an attack maybe, and so they put their problem right back into the person looking to heal themselves. Calling them selfish for example

Yes, they are being selfish by putting themselves first but that is not necessarily a bad thing

Well, a lot of people seem a bit confused as to what boundaries are. They've got nothing to do with disagreeing with someone. Boundaries are decisions you make about things that YOU are in charge of - your property, time, body, money etc (so you don't need anyone else's agreement). "X is not allowed in my house" is a boundary, or "I am not going to subsidise your drug habit", or "I am not going to provide you with free childcare every day" or "I am not going to spend time with someone who has been awful to me" - stuff like that. Some people try to control others and call it "boundaries" - that's not what it means. Boundaries are purely about you making choices about things which belong to you and which you are completely entitled to keep within your control. Sometimes they have to be set in order to stop others mistreating you - but they are about protecting yourself by controlling your own behaviour, not someone else's.

After my parents' selfish decisions ruined my childhood, teens and early twenties, and hugely impacted how I handle situations as an adult, I was absolutely selfish and established very strong boundaries a few years ago.

I don't feel bad. I was selfish and strong and brave and now I get to live a better life and my DD will never have to experience what I did.

This 100%

I only ever think people who dislike boundaries are 1) Nosy people 2) Controlling 3) Having a tantrum because they can't have their own way.

This post seems to be very insecure, lashing out, spiteful, narcissistic, petulant, and projecting of a deeper issue you have.

My batshit sister in law's boundaries have resulted in her husband becoming pretty much estranged from his parents and siblings and their children being denied a relationship with their paternal family. I'd call that pretty selfish.

Yes and there’s nothing wrong with that you can’t set boundaries without being selfish

Any time I’ve used that phrase it’s to show that I’m not being a mug or a walkover. And if that’s perceived as selfish, then fine.

My boss can often email at evenings and weekends and a few colleagues and I discussed a few months ago that we are going to start “setting boundaries” and setting an out of office for 6pm-7am each night, and not looking/responding until it suits us, and not feeling guilty about it. Is that selfish? If it is, fine, I’m happy to be selfish.

When my boyfriend and I first met and lived separately, his mum and dad would often turn up at his flat unannounced just to “pop by” or whatever. After a year he moved in with me to my (rented) flat, a half hour drive away from them, it made sense as my place was bigger and I have a cat. His mum can’t just pop round here because it just feels a bit different somehow. However we are in the process of buying a house and, coincidentally, it is quite a lot closer to his parents (we aren’t moving there for that reason, we just prefer that area and works better for both of us with work). I have said to my boyfriend that we need to “set some boundaries” with his parents and make it clear that once we are in a house that is ours (the flat has just always felt like mine, even when he’s been living here the past couple of years) and that it’s nearer to them, this doesn’t mean they think they can just pop round unannounced and unexpectedly all the time, we need to arrange any visits/have prior warning. Does this make me selfish? If so, fine.

How do you know these boundaries are just your sister-in-laws and not your brother’s?
Surely he’s an adult and if he didn’t agree and wanted to see you all, he just would.

He's not my brother, he's my husband's brother.

His whole personality has changed since he met her and he's a shadow of his former self.

According to a mutual friend (who is probably next on SIL's shit list) he spent months pleading with his horror show of a wife to stop being at war with his family over a triviality, but she refused and he feels the need to publicly back her because she's his wife.

Two years later she insulted his parents in front of the whole family for not respecting her "boundaries" after they'd spent all day babysitting her three kids whilst she was at a spa day (in addition to the several times weekly childcare they've been providing for the last few years) and he said absolutely nothing.

So now everyone has taken the view that she's no longer part of the family and their only hope of having a normal relationship with him and his kids one day is if he sees the light and divorces her.

It's very sad.

There is good and bad selfishness. Good selfishness is acknowledging you have needs and wants and you can say no to people when you feel you have to prioritise yourself. Bad selfishness is taking the attitude that yes I know I am being a twat and other people are on the receiving end but I don't give a toss and you'll all just have to deal with it.

Earlier this year I developed a friendship with a woman from the bridge club. She has been very friendly to me in a way the vast majority of women aren't, I would go as far as saying her interaction with me was outside of my life experience. It became apparent she likely had some romantic interest and whilst I think she is physically attractive, I don't have romantic feelings, so I have made it clear to her that I am happy for a friendship but don't have those feelings towards her. That is my recent example of establishing a boundary.

Ah, yes she sounds like a nightmare.

Sorry for asking. Sounds difficult.

A boundary is about what you will or will not tolerate/accept, it's not about what other people do - we can't control that.

I think people don't understand this.

Oh god yes. That and "I'm protecting my peace".

Of course no 👀

Boundaries are to keep from so shouldn’t be called that if it is about someone else?!!
ex: your boundary can be that after 7pm you put your phone down for the evening. Your boundary can not be that someone else put their phone down after 7pm.

You need to call a cat a cat. But of course toxic people will gaslight and call it various names before they acknowledge they shouldn’t be acting the way they do? That doesn’t mean that the real thing is false at every turn though…

True.

Someone calling you selfish could be someone trying to get you to give him/her your piece of cake after they ate theirs and are left now without 😳

It took me until well into my 40's to work out that if I gave in to every "need" that others had of me I would get burnt out. So was I being selfish by limiting the time I spent on sorting out everyone else's problems to the detriment of my own health? I don't think I was, I was simply protecting myself.

Plus if I was burnt out, I wouldn't be able to help anyone else at all rather than just pulling back a bit & preserving something for myself.

I think the pp who referred to not helping others to your own detriment was spot on - I always help people if I can, but not if by helping them I'm harming myself e.g. yes I can't help someone move house however much they ask or even need the help, because after about half an hour of moving even light boxes I would be unable to move for days after due to my own health. On the other hand I'll happily do tasks out of my remit at work if I have the time to help someone struggling with either the how to or the volume of work, and sometimes even work a bit later to help them.

The problem is a lot of people don’t understand what boundaries are or how they work.

boundaries are NOT about trying to control how other people behave. They are setting limits on what YOU will tolerate before YOU change YOUR behaviours and actions. Like walking away, going NC etc.

many people seem to think having boundaries mean trying to control what other people do and say.

Have you really got no idea what coercive control is?

Women in particular have historically really struggled with setting boundaries because they have been socialised to believe saying no makes them rude/aggressive/not wife material etc etc.

A large proportion of women really can't find it within them to say no to anything and contort their lives to fit the shape of their spouse/partner/friends. They then get completely lost in someone else's idea of who they ought to be and either disappear altogether or become profoundly resentful.

Women (it is mainly women) who learn to set boundaries earlier go on to have much healthier relationships of all kinds because they are authentic about who they are.

The pendulum has now swung in the opposite direction and you now have a lot of people banging on about "setting boundaries" when what they're actually doing is being an arsehole.

But on balance I would rather have a few more women learning to stick up for themselves and if it means people get a bit carried away with "boundary setting" psychobabble it's a fairly small price to pay.

I responded to the person I was addressing when she elaborated on what she meant her sister-in-law was like. Not all situations are carbon copies of each other which is why I asked. If you read a few messages on you will see that I apologised to the poster.

You sound like someone who needs boundaries set for them alot!

my ex, who is my kids dad does this.
”I didn’t get you a birthday present because you didn’t tell me what to get you, sorry but this is my boundary and must be respected”
oh fuck off you absolute knobber.
obviously I get that some boundaries are proper and well meaning.

Well yes, which is why I said that you remove yourself. You can't force others to change to suit you, but you remove yourself. So, for example if you say that you don't alcohol and you set a boundary that no one can drink around you or even that your partner cannot drink full stop, then that's control.