Husband overheard me

[starship92]

Basically my husband was annoyed with me this morning because he was "disappointed" in my fathers day effort.

For context - due to personal issues i was unable to get to the shops for a card this whole week so was going today as soon as they opened. (He was aware of this) but i had ordered him a personalised gift (which i thought was really nice) from the kids which was here for his waking this morning.

He was in a sulk all morning and it made me (probably irrationally) angry because i had tried my best considering the circumstances (i had also made his favourite meal last night as a fathers day celebration).

He stormed out earlier and came back as he has forgot something, and he overheard me complaining on the phone to my sister about him.

He has come down on me like a tonne of bricks over this. Says he doesnt want our personal life or our problems discussed with anyone. Hes actually now saying he doesn't trust me and this could potentially be the end of our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking im within my rights to confide in my sister about this argument? Is it really that big a deal? Granted i definitely was "ranting" when he overheard...but still?

I do t think you are unreasonable. It’s raising red flags for me because of my own history. My controlling and eventually abusive ex had this attitude where I couldn’t talk to anyone about “our business” when actually he didn’t want me talking about it because they would tell me he’s treating me badly.

for unrelated reasons my relationship after him didn’t work out but I vividly remember telling him I talk to my sister and if he has a problem with that then we can’t date. He said of course you need to offload sometimes that’s normal. Complete opposite reaction. And I did continue to talk to my sister and he would assume I’d done so. Didn’t even wake him want to stop socialising with my sister like ex had done.

confiding in one or two close people for support and feedback is very different to telling anyone and everyone your private business

He seeks to isolate you.

The man is bad. Leave him now or torture yourself and your children Boeing down to him.

He sounds very childish.

He doesn’t sound reasonable at all if he’s in a huff about a card; it’s not like there was nothing done at all to celebrate Father’s Day. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong to chat with your sister when you feel upset and I’d say the same for him if he spoke to someone.
If you are always badmouthing him though then that feels unfair, unless there’s genuinely a problem in which case that problem needs to be faced head on.
If that’s not the case, then I imagine he’s worried everyone will think he’s an idiot and he’s embarrassed.
I think you need to step back from the card/speaking on the phone thing today and work out what’s the real issue here. How does your relationship usually work? Generally ok? Or are there often moods and things that you’re not allowed to do? Or something in between? Is there something else going on with him?

Everyone saying "you should have ordered him a card online", how is this actually more thoughtful?! Honestly, it's just a daft day. We do our best to nod to it, and the main priority is to maybe hang out together. I do wonder if you have other red flags going on, as this does seem like a bit of an over-reaction.

I always moan to my sister. Totally normal. He acted like a knob.

My mother never bitched or revealed anything personal about my father to her family, and my father never spoke an ill word against her to his family. They would have it out amongst themselves though.

Obviously if someone is being abused, speaking to a family member is important. When you bitch, you are smearing that person's name forever. And the victim will wonder about what else you have said, or who else you have spoken to. It is an ultimate betrayal and I don't think one understands it until it happens to them.

Is he generally controlling? Is this moody behaviour normal or strange for him?

Has anything different happened recently (is there more going on?)?

I don't typically discuss issues in detail outside of marriage - apart from 'lite' stuff to one person.

BUT if anyone told me not to talk to whoever I wanted to, I'd be telling them to be less of a prick if they didn't want to be spoken about. It's not like you were talking about his erectile dysfunction or something, but rather how his behaviour was affecting you. If he hadn't thrown a massive hissy fit then you wouldn't have needed to.

My mother never bitched or revealed anything personal about my father to her family, and my father never spoke an ill word against her to his family. They would have it out amongst themselves though.
Obviously if someone is being abused, speaking to a family member is important. When you bitch, you are smearing that person's name forever. And the victim will wonder about what else you have said, or who else you have spoken to. It is an ultimate betrayal and I don't think one understands it until it happens to them.

I think there us a world of difference between having a bitch about someone and having a moan. I know dh has had a moan about me to bil and I've moaned about minor things. These are things that no one is going to hold against me or him or ruin our reputation. Nor is it an ultimate betrayal that I moan that he ALWAYS restacks the dishwasher because he doesn't like the way i do it. There are much bigger betrayals than that! I moan, get it off my chest, my friends say I'm being a dick about it and that's it!!! No one is betrayed or smeared.

The irony is that your husband is not happy with you discussing every little disagreement with other people for privacy reasons. Understandable.You’ve apologised to him profusely for talking to your sister about what is in essence a trivial matter but which paints your husband in a bad light. Then, despite you realising that perhaps you may have done something you shouldn’t, then you’ve come and shared your private marital business with the whole of Mumsnet. Your poor husband.

Now half of Mumsnet thinks your husband is controlling and the other half think he’s a selfish man child. I’m sure he’s neither, but you’ve put it out there to the world despite feeling bad for sharing it with your sister. Crazy logic and even worse than telling the checkout lady, LOL!

I love how the word controlling is thrown about here on this site by anyone and everyone. There is nothing controlling about asking for marital matters to be confidential. However, you could’ve had some common decency to not enable him to hear you. Like wait for a day and see if it sorts itself out. The situation you’ve described is pathetic anyway and he’s just having a childish tantrum, over a piece of paper of all things. Don’t get me started on how much of a waste of time buying a card is in this day and age. Just a card from the kids handmade is sufficient. In this case I think the gift you got him should be sufficient enough to not need a card, but that is just me.

The mind boggles. I’m sure this will blow over in a day or so and you’ll have a quick chat and apologise to each other and it will reflected as a storm in a teacup. Then you’ll wonder if it was worth sharing your private marital matters with thousands of people online. Gulp.

Would you be happy if your husband was also writing a thread to the world as well as complaining his family about you?

This is why I'm asking for other opinions because i don't think the whole scenario should have resulted in his reaction. I definitely think there is something else going on

This is what my DH says to me. I think it’s a way to minimise someone’s feelings in a situation.

Some people's names are smeared though. And it can damage relations between your partner and his or her inlaws. Ive heard of stories where mammy and daddy turn against the new partner because their poor adult child is running home with stories about all the wrongs they have put up with. Mammy and daddy, and sister will listen to the poor helpless victim and wonder how their precious child ever ended up with the big bad wolf. Big bad wolf will always be the big baddie in their eyes.

Every situation is different. A light harmless vent, that's more forgivable. I've had my name smeared in the past...only one version of events given by a friend to her family about me...and it's really horrible when it comes to light.

Best post ive seen ever... not sure if you're being sarcastic but I don't care. Best post ever 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Some people's names are smeared though. And it can damage relations between your partner and his or her inlaws. Ive heard of stories where mammy and daddy turn against the new partner because their poor adult child is running home with stories about all the wrongs they have put up with. Mammy and daddy, and sister will listen to the poor helpless victim and wonder how their precious child ever ended up with the big bad wolf. Big bad wolf will always be the big baddie in their eyes.
Every situation is different. A light harmless vent, that's more forgivable. I've had my name smeared in the past...only one version of events given by a friend to her family about me...and it's really horrible when it comes to light

You've had a bad expierence a d talmi g about extreme situations. The things im talking about are quite light and things that I'd say to his face anyway once I stopped being pisseed off with him. After over 35 years all my friends a d fa.ily still love dh so his reputation is still intact!

Like I said, a light hearted vent may be OK. I've heard of many partners names being smeared to in-laws by darling adult children.

It seems that OPs husband was genuinely upset about what he perceived as a lack of effort. He was hurt. Not up to us to judge whether he was right or wrong to feel like that. That's how he felt in the moment.
To walk in on someone ranting about you when you already feel hurt and vulnerable isn't nice. It's very undermining and belittling. My friends and brothers do not speak about their partners like this. They're adults. If you need to vent, go see a therapist or someone extremely neutral .

He needs to grow up!

It’s flipping awful waking up on a day that’s meant to be for you and have someone say “they need to go to the shop” don’t friggin bother at this point.’you could have ordered him a card.

OP, I don't understand why he expected anything from you for father's Day as he's not your dad?

I can see you'd maybe prompt a child to make a card or something, but why would he expect something from you and still over not getting as card? A meal and a gift already sounds over the top! Sounds like you're in a no-win situation there.

Mothers of very young children very often expect that the father will orchestrate a fuss for her on mothers day. He may purchase a gift for them to give, buy some treats or flowers for them to hand over etc. If dads do it for for mums, mums should do it for dad's....that is if the father is involved, derserving and a good parent.

OP you have exposed him for what he is (huffy manchild, etc) and he has escalated to threatening to leave you in order to get you back under control.
Out of the 2 of you who would suffer more if you split up, who has the most to lose?

I wouldn't have an issue with my husband talking about me or discussing problems we might have with his close friends or relatives.

But I'd take great issue with it happening in my space, where I'm going to be exposed to it. And even more so if its resulting from his own laziness because you can order cards online for next day delivery.

How would you feel if you overheard your husband bitching about you on the phone to someone? I think you are in the wrong about that. If I were him, I would lose trust in you too.

Why is it less thoughtful buying a card online? It’s exactly the same as going to a shop but OP says she couldn’t do that. I’m saying, if OP had issues that prevented her from going to a shop for a whole week, then ordering online is so easy and quick. So if she knows her DH values a card and usually gets her one on Mother’s Day, she could have really easily ordered one. No less thoughtful than buying one in a shop at all. And better than no card.

Oh come off it. They have young children who can’t very well go and buy a card. It’s reasonable for parents to facilitate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day cards for a few years at least!

@starship92 massive red flag that he doesn’t what you to have anyone to talk too.
Wheh they treat you like crao of course they want it kept secret . They get away with it indefinitely then.