Husband overheard me

[starship92]

Basically my husband was annoyed with me this morning because he was "disappointed" in my fathers day effort.

For context - due to personal issues i was unable to get to the shops for a card this whole week so was going today as soon as they opened. (He was aware of this) but i had ordered him a personalised gift (which i thought was really nice) from the kids which was here for his waking this morning.

He was in a sulk all morning and it made me (probably irrationally) angry because i had tried my best considering the circumstances (i had also made his favourite meal last night as a fathers day celebration).

He stormed out earlier and came back as he has forgot something, and he overheard me complaining on the phone to my sister about him.

He has come down on me like a tonne of bricks over this. Says he doesnt want our personal life or our problems discussed with anyone. Hes actually now saying he doesn't trust me and this could potentially be the end of our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking im within my rights to confide in my sister about this argument? Is it really that big a deal? Granted i definitely was "ranting" when he overheard...but still?

I mean i don't go running with every little thing but surely it's natural to confide some things in another person now and again? Perhaps not

Thank you!

Are you confiding in people or just slagging him off?

Definitely not slagging him off. I do have a lot of respect for him

I don't really agree tbh, unless it was something very serious but I suppose everybody is different.

You also haven't said what you told you sister.

I do agree with this, it was shitty behaviour on my part and I have owned up to that

I was upset and explaining to her that he had been in a terrible mood all morning and had stormed out of the house because of it all

My OH and I both agree it’s not unreasonable to discuss some marital issues with close confidants, and saying you absolutely cannot is very controlling.

What was his problem over the card? Was he looking for something to have a go at you about, as you’d done the meal and the gift (and the kid-made card)?

Why couldn't you Moonpig him a Father's Day card? Did he get you a Mother's day card? I wouldn't put up with my DH making excuses for not getting me a Mother's day card from kids either when it's so easy to order a card online.

This is why I'm asking for other opinions because i don't think the whole scenario should have resulted in his reaction. I definitely think there is something else going on

I vent to my best friend. She has virtually nothing to do day to day with my husband where I could see a sister might be a bit trickier as a sounding board

I think the issue with running to family when you have a problem, is that it puts everyone in a really awkward position.

Next time your DH sees your sister, he'll know that you've been telling her all about your latest row. Your sister is also in the position of having to pretend she doesn't know that you've been moaning to her. It just makes it all a bit awkward and uncomfortable, IMO.

Sounds like you have form. Be interesting to hear his side of the story.

Moonpig is your friend in future OP.
Apologise and get on with your evening x

When you rant about your husband to your family or whoever, it gives them a negative impression of your spouse. They will then hold that against them. It doesn't go away.

Do you rave about the good things he does? If not, they don't have a balanced picture of you husband and marriage and that can affect how your kids are treated. What if they start shit talking your spouse to your kids?

Your husband has asked you not to do this. But you did it anyway. He's setting a boundary. You just ran over it.

Do you think loyalty is important in a relationship?

Do you think trust is important in a relationship?

He 'stormed out' because he didn't get a card and he was 'sulking' also because of lack of a shop card from you, although the children had made him a card.

Think about what you want your future to look like, OP. Maybe you shouldn't have told your sister about his behaviour, but does he sulk and storm out frequently? I had one like this, we spilt up.

Tell him you'll talk to whom you damn well please. He is not your boss. And it's Fathers' Day, not Husbands' Day, so unless he has children old enough to celebrate it, there's no reason for him to expect anything.

ETA: Fathers' Day is made-up nonsense anyway.

The reason why he, and many other men, don’t think this is ok is because they’re hindered by their toxic masculinity. They don’t sit at the pub and discuss in the same way because it makes them uncomfortable. But over my dead body are we women only allowed to do whatever and only whatever it is they do!

Well Father’s Day has been advertised for a lot longer than a week so you could have bought him one earlier, or like people have said ordered one. I would have expected my ex to have sorted out a Mother’s Day card when mine were little.
Also wouldn’t have appreciated him moaning to his brother about me so I can see where he’s coming from there too.

He's in the wrong because he's the man.

Of course it is & tell him if he doesn't like you've told your sister he's behaving like a bellend, not to act like a bellend! Quite simple really!

I don't like the sound of him. I don't think him leaving would be a bad thing

Telling someone they can't discuss a relationship with anyone outside of that relationship is classic coercive control behaviour. Be very careful OP.

Only on MN do people insist you should never speak a negative word about your relationship to anyone else in your life. Utterly bonkers and, as others have pointed out, pretty controlling. It just smacks of "keeping up appearances", which I don't think you should have to do with very close friends or family. I don't endlessly slag off DH to my friends but I do occasionally have a moan if he's done something to piss me off, which isn't often. I also tell them when he does lovely things for me as well. I'm sure he does the same, and that's absolutely fine. Nobody is perfect and pretending they are is fucking weird.

She doesn't have 'to do as she's told' he's her husband not her boss!

Exactly!!