Husband overheard me

[starship92]

Basically my husband was annoyed with me this morning because he was "disappointed" in my fathers day effort.

For context - due to personal issues i was unable to get to the shops for a card this whole week so was going today as soon as they opened. (He was aware of this) but i had ordered him a personalised gift (which i thought was really nice) from the kids which was here for his waking this morning.

He was in a sulk all morning and it made me (probably irrationally) angry because i had tried my best considering the circumstances (i had also made his favourite meal last night as a fathers day celebration).

He stormed out earlier and came back as he has forgot something, and he overheard me complaining on the phone to my sister about him.

He has come down on me like a tonne of bricks over this. Says he doesnt want our personal life or our problems discussed with anyone. Hes actually now saying he doesn't trust me and this could potentially be the end of our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking im within my rights to confide in my sister about this argument? Is it really that big a deal? Granted i definitely was "ranting" when he overheard...but still?

My partner moaned about me heavily to his mum. It absolutely ruined my relationship with her (still now and this was 6 years ago) over very normal
relationship problems within the post partum period. And yes I was furious with him and considered ending things. There are people you can rant to, but i personally don’t think family should be it.

you should be able to sort out any issues you have between you in your marriage. You are definitely bad mouthing him and you’re allowing others to create a picture of him when he’s at his worse. People always remember the bad things, rather than the good. We’re all allowed a sulk or off day and you should be able to keep it to yourself.

edit to say: I wouldn’t be able to trust you either.

It's probably not about a card is it? It's more than likely because like many women in mumsnet on special occasions he doesn't feel appreciated/cared for/loved. He comes in from being out and there you are talking about him on the phone which would further enhance those feelings of being unappreciated.

I don't know the dynamics in your relationship, I don't know if he has cause to feel uncared for or not but realistically speaking these things are never about the card. Sit down and talk to him and find out what the real issue is.

Serious red flags here OP. He was unreasonably upset with you and behaving badly. He knows this and that is why he’s so angry to hear you talking about his behaviour to your sister. He doesn’t want others close to you to hear about how he behaves behind closed doors.

This. Maybe he's over it. I would be. The date of FD is also not a surprise. I would have been annoyed.

Exactly!

Father's Day is a load of old bollocks and I don't get the fact that people fall for it.

Mother's Day has now become far removed from its origins. I don't expect anything from my dc who are adult and live with me. Occasionally they draw me a card like they used to at primary school for fun. But I'd rather that we had a good relationship all year round than on one day that means not much to me.

Sorry for the detail.

He’s controlling and abusive. Read up on narcissistic behaviour, coercive control, gaslighting etc and work out a way you can escape - safely

He's a man child and you haven't done anything wrong in my eyes. You made a fuss of him - he's a man-child.

These special days like Mother’s Day/Father’s Day cause so much angst and strife. You should treat your mother/father with respect, and offer gratutude for all 365 days, not just express it on one particular day. And SM causes most of this, Father’s Day never used to be such a big deal, but now people see plastered on SM big gestures and celebrations and are then massively disappointed if their own day doesn’t match up. Madness.

Your husband is an arse for banning you form speaking to people...doing it when you risk him walking in is dumb. But not the end of the world. If the behaviour is a regular thing and not a one off then you should probably LTB

However, the not getting him a card I'd pretty shit. There are websites like moonlight and funky pigeon where you can order and have them delivered so there is no excuse for not having got him a card.

People don't like to overhear themselves being discussed. That's pretty bad. But I think you did make an effort and he shouldn't be in a sulk.

.

I disagree with the posters saying “its really not nice behaviour “.

It is absolutely normal behaviour to have the odd whinge about a spouse to a trusted friend or family member. And from what you say, it really is the odd occasion. Its a healthy coping mechanism when under stress after an argument.

What is not nice is that your DH overheard it and it is uncomfortable for him having to face his behaviour towards you head on. Yeah, its hard to hear someone you love having a moan about you. But its equally as hard to put up with a manchild who huffs and strops on Fathers Day and drops the divorce bomb when the going gets tough.

What he is trying to tell you is put up and shut up or else. Do with this info what you will….

I’m with him. You don’t confide in friends and family about relationship problems (unless it’s over) as for some it’s salacious gossip (and they will spread it however much you ask them not to) and for others, as their relationship with you not them, long after you have forgiven the significant other, they might not. Just my view but don’t blame him being upset. Et tu?

Of course she does! She's human! Everyone has to talk about their problems. She's not an effing robot!
And why does he need a card from her if he's got a present PLUS already has a card from one of the children.

There’s got to be more going on for him than a card! Maybe it’s just me but I can’t understand why people get so annoyed over Cards. Especially when you’re buying a card on behalf of young children. It’s £3 on something that ends up in the bin a week later. My kids have usually made cards, even basic ones, and to us it means a lot more than buying some boring card with a generic message on from the supermarket.

God God what a load of utter nonsense this is. Does " stuff" make anyone happy?

This. I’m also slightly appalled by the posters defending this man’s controlling behaviour in forbidding the OP form discussing her own relationship with anyone else, and using heavy threats when he learns she’s ‘disobeyed’ him. Fuck that.

He sounds like a cunt to me.

Buy a card every day of the year, sign it and post it and make him so sick to the back teeth of cards that he will beg you never to see another card ever again.
I don't rate cards. Hate Xmas cards, they look a mesy and fall all over the place. I buy a better present, and I inform the recipient that I paid extra for the better item to more than include the price of the absent card

Frankly, my sister and her husband hated tge sight of each other. Faught like centurions on a bus man's holiday and let everyone know it...... but birthdays, valentines day and Xmas they gave each other mega sized cards, lavish gifts and flowers so that their friends would envy them.
Like he'll.... everyone thanked the stars that theirs didnt behave that way.
So my rosey specs are somewhat tainted, and such fripperies and gestures leave me stone cold.

He probably doesn’t like you talking about it because he knows his behaviour is inappropriate.

You generalising and it does not help the argument. Doesen't matter what other men do, if my husband would moan about our fights to others I would be very upset.

I really really really dislike when men or women run back to their family of origin telling tales about their partners. That would destroy my trust too. In laws should stay out of it. It is a breach of confidentiality imo and highly disrespect to the person who is being secretly spoken about.

He's her husband not her slave driver.
He can ask but she has her own brain. Her own life. He has no control over her relationships with others.
This is his issue!
He thought she was that controlled.
He should leave and go start a zoo, plenty to master there!

@starship92, what do you think the something else is?

It is completely natural. Especially with someone as off-beam as your "D"H.