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Original poster

Husband overheard me

234 replies

starship92 · 15/06/2025 17:11

Basically my husband was annoyed with me this morning because he was "disappointed" in my fathers day effort.

For context - due to personal issues i was unable to get to the shops for a card this whole week so was going today as soon as they opened. (He was aware of this) but i had ordered him a personalised gift (which i thought was really nice) from the kids which was here for his waking this morning.

He was in a sulk all morning and it made me (probably irrationally) angry because i had tried my best considering the circumstances (i had also made his favourite meal last night as a fathers day celebration).

He stormed out earlier and came back as he has forgot something, and he overheard me complaining on the phone to my sister about him.

He has come down on me like a tonne of bricks over this. Says he doesnt want our personal life or our problems discussed with anyone. Hes actually now saying he doesn't trust me and this could potentially be the end of our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking im within my rights to confide in my sister about this argument? Is it really that big a deal? Granted i definitely was "ranting" when he overheard...but still?

OP posts:
MauriceTheMussel · 15/06/2025 19:08

SuburbanSprawl · 15/06/2025 19:06

I was in a relationship where the OH didn't like me talking to anyone about our problems...

"My friends?"

"No! We socialise with them!"

"Just my best friend?"

"Absolutely not!"

"My siblings? Or just one sibling?"

"They all talk to each other about everything!"

"My mum or dad?"

"It's none of their business."

"...so no one."

"Exactly! I don't talk to people about these things, do I?"

"Perhaps you should."

It was partly a control thing. But also it was a privacy thing. And I understand that.

However, that wasn't compatible with my way of living. And it's not really fair to expect the other person to change something that intrinsic to their personality.

....this was one of the reasons we split up.

Edited

“Perhaps you should” 💯

Agix · 15/06/2025 19:10

Whether he has a point about your talking to your sister about it or not really depends on how often you complain about him to others, how you actually phrased things etc.

It's not fair to ban you from confiding in others. It's a well known abuse tactic, to isolate someone. So they can do whatever they like, and you're not allowed to reach out for help.

But what is also an abuse tactic is complaining about your partner to people, every time something goes wrong or they do something or react a certain way. To isolate them and paint them in a bad light so you always come up smelling of roses no matter what happens.

So have a good think about whether you're actually guilty of the second, before calling your husband guilty of the first. For all we know, you're really bad for it and he finally and justifiably snapped. (not saying this is the case, just saying there's no way for mumsnet to tell either way from your story).

Lullabycrickets23 · 15/06/2025 19:10

My DP had a card made at nursery and one we bought. No presents at all, just a breakfast toast and coffee made by our 4yo.
He’s still thanking him and was happy.
If he’s so attached to formality and presents and being celebrated that much he probably lacks in self esteem.

Nurseryquestions86 · 15/06/2025 19:11

Agix · 15/06/2025 19:10

Whether he has a point about your talking to your sister about it or not really depends on how often you complain about him to others, how you actually phrased things etc.

It's not fair to ban you from confiding in others. It's a well known abuse tactic, to isolate someone. So they can do whatever they like, and you're not allowed to reach out for help.

But what is also an abuse tactic is complaining about your partner to people, every time something goes wrong or they do something or react a certain way. To isolate them and paint them in a bad light so you always come up smelling of roses no matter what happens.

So have a good think about whether you're actually guilty of the second, before calling your husband guilty of the first. For all we know, you're really bad for it and he finally and justifiably snapped. (not saying this is the case, just saying there's no way for mumsnet to tell either way from your story).

Agree with this.

Daisydiary · 15/06/2025 19:15

Call his bluff. Tell him you agree with him and that separating is the only way 🤣 I couldn’t be arsed with any of this carry on. He didn’t even get you a gift on time!!!

Zanatdy · 15/06/2025 19:16

Of course you’re entitled to speak to your own sister about being upset after an argument. He is being ridiculous if he wants to get a divorce over this. I’d ask him if something else is going on given his extreme overreaction.

Azandme · 15/06/2025 19:22

Amazed how many people are actually saying you should have got him a card!

  1. You cooked his favourite meal.
  2. You got him a personalised gift which you gave him on the day.
  3. Your child HAD made him a card, which he was given.

You did all of this and he ranted and stormed out over a shop bought bit of folded card?! This from the man who didn't even get you a Mother's Day present ON TIME.

He's a prick. An ungrateful prick.

Then after that disgusting performance he thinks he can control who you talk to, and kicks off again, threatening to end your marriage?

I wouldn't threaten, I'd do it. This is a red flag parade.

Ilovepastafortea · 15/06/2025 19:23

I don't get this about Father's Day - it's not like Mother's Day which has always been a date in the Church calendar (when people would visit their 'mother church in the days when you didn't necessarily have a parish priest).

Father's Day is an event invented by companies who made cards to sell more cards.

I've always told our DCs to ignore it - it's a con.

If they want to celebrate their wonderful & loving father, celebrate it on his birthday or another day just because you love him.

Gymnopedie · 15/06/2025 19:23

itbemay1 · 15/06/2025 19:03

OP you can talk to whoever you like about anything you want.

But that never seems to apply when a woman posts that her DH/DP tells his mum about their disagreements.

I'm in the keep it between yourselves unless it's very very serious camp.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/06/2025 19:26

I wonder if all the people saying “you can talk to whoever you want” would feel the same way if a bloke was caught slagging his wife off to his mum and sister 🫣

Ilovepastafortea · 15/06/2025 19:26

Azandme · 15/06/2025 19:22

Amazed how many people are actually saying you should have got him a card!

  1. You cooked his favourite meal.
  2. You got him a personalised gift which you gave him on the day.
  3. Your child HAD made him a card, which he was given.

You did all of this and he ranted and stormed out over a shop bought bit of folded card?! This from the man who didn't even get you a Mother's Day present ON TIME.

He's a prick. An ungrateful prick.

Then after that disgusting performance he thinks he can control who you talk to, and kicks off again, threatening to end your marriage?

I wouldn't threaten, I'd do it. This is a red flag parade.

Edited

Darling, you will get the inevitable LTB posts. He's having a sulky. It's just one day & am sure he will recover from it. 😘

Poppinjay · 15/06/2025 19:30

You're not his father. He needs to get a grip.

MauriceTheMussel · 15/06/2025 19:30

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/06/2025 19:26

I wonder if all the people saying “you can talk to whoever you want” would feel the same way if a bloke was caught slagging his wife off to his mum and sister 🫣

I honestly wouldn’t care

Missanimosity · 15/06/2025 19:36

MauriceTheMussel · 15/06/2025 18:26

The reason why he, and many other men, don’t think this is ok is because they’re hindered by their toxic masculinity. They don’t sit at the pub and discuss in the same way because it makes them uncomfortable. But over my dead body are we women only allowed to do whatever and only whatever it is they do!

Show quote history

That's BS, I wouldn't my husband to talk our affairs outside the marriage either. Is there toxic feminity as well?

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 15/06/2025 19:40

MauriceTheMussel · 15/06/2025 17:19

Oh, he needs to chill out.

It’s not a real day, is it? It’s a made up event.

He needs to grow up.

Butchyrestingface · 15/06/2025 19:40

Hes actually now saying he doesn't trust me and this could potentially be the end of our marriage.

He'd be doing you a favour. Let him.

MauriceTheMussel · 15/06/2025 19:41

Missanimosity · 15/06/2025 19:36

That's BS, I wouldn't my husband to talk our affairs outside the marriage either. Is there toxic feminity as well?

Show quote history

It’s the same reason far fewer men have therapy than in comparison to women. They’re not known talkers, are they?

cranberryshortcake · 15/06/2025 19:43

Lawyer up.

He’s abusive to you. A divorce would be a blessing.

Lollipop2025 · 15/06/2025 19:44

I think he was being very childish. Similar situation here. Husband had a couple of gifts and I had bought a card which I think i gave to my teenager to hide in her room but couldn't find it this morning! He wasn't fussed at all. We've had a busy week and then we were all knackered yesterday as we were out on the Friday and didnt get home until 3am. I think you were fair to have a moan with your sister. Has he got other things going on that he is stressed about and it's come out from this?

BakelikeBertha · 15/06/2025 19:47

Oh come off it you lot, don't tell me that you've never bitched about your DH's to anyone, a mother, a sister, a best friend? We've all done it, just not been caught like the OP.

He's behaving like a spoilt child, and it's not his 'right' to expect the OP, to run around shopping for gifts and cards on behalf of her children. He should just be grateful that he has children, which incidentally SHE gave him!!!

Also, by the fact that you say he's told you numerous times not to talk about your marriage outside of the relationship, I get the strong impression that not only is he controlling, but knows that the way he speaks to you/treats you, doesn't reflect well on him, and doesn't want other people knowing what an arsehole he really is. In your shoes, I'd take him up on the offer of a divorce OP, you CAN do better!

cranberryshortcake · 15/06/2025 19:47

Ilovepastafortea · 15/06/2025 19:26

Darling, you will get the inevitable LTB posts. He's having a sulky. It's just one day & am sure he will recover from it. 😘

Show quote history

What’s all this patronising “darling” BS.

Distrust anyone talking down to you so much as to refer to you as “darling”.
That phrase is only used to patronise.

Probably a man posting.

MoistVonL · 15/06/2025 19:51

He’s throwing his dummy out of the pram.

If you can’t kvetch to your sister or best mate when your partner is being a dick, how are you supposed to laugh about it and move on? A good old moan is quite cathartic, and as long as it’s done within a context of “obvious I love him, but he’s been a right twat today” I don’t see any problem.

My mum would ring me for a moan about my dad, we’d laugh about it and move on. I thought no less of my dad - I know he’s fantastic and she loves him, and I also know he can be a fussy PITA when it comes to DIY, and a cheapskate about eating out. Mum has a pressure release valve and I could commiserate then forget about it.

Ilovepastafortea · 15/06/2025 19:53

cranberryshortcake · 15/06/2025 19:47

What’s all this patronising “darling” BS.

Distrust anyone talking down to you so much as to refer to you as “darling”.
That phrase is only used to patronise.

Probably a man posting.

Show quote history

No, not a man, just the way we speak down her in the SW when we want someone to know that we are sympathising.

In our local village shop the staff call everyone 'my Lover' as In 'is there anything else you're wanting my lover?'

No insult intended apologies if any taken not intended honestly.

UnreadyEthel · 15/06/2025 19:55

Is he Dad Of The Year?! I’m struggling to understand why any reasonable parent would insist on having such a fuss made of them on Father’s/Mother’s day. A card made by a small child should absolutely suffice. Anything further than that is complete overkill, and he should have been nothing but grateful that you’d gone to so much effort.

If he hadn’t been such an idiot then you would have had no reason to tell your sister that he was being an idiot.

SnoopyPajamas · 15/06/2025 19:58

What was he sulking about?

Did he spend a lot of money on Mother's Day gifts, and then you got him a photoframe or something? Personal gifts are nice, but maybe it felt lopsided to him. Like he put in more effort when it was your turn. It sounds like the gifts you got him were mementos, and more "from the kids" than from you. Maybe he was hoping for something a bit more "I appreciate you, you're doing a great job as a dad" from you, not just the "we love you Daddy" stuff from the kids.

I agree you should be free to confide in your family about your issues by the way. But there is a loss of trust if your partner knows you're badmouthing them to other people. And it's never nice to hear someone actually doing that.

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