Husband overheard me

[starship92]

Basically my husband was annoyed with me this morning because he was "disappointed" in my fathers day effort.

For context - due to personal issues i was unable to get to the shops for a card this whole week so was going today as soon as they opened. (He was aware of this) but i had ordered him a personalised gift (which i thought was really nice) from the kids which was here for his waking this morning.

He was in a sulk all morning and it made me (probably irrationally) angry because i had tried my best considering the circumstances (i had also made his favourite meal last night as a fathers day celebration).

He stormed out earlier and came back as he has forgot something, and he overheard me complaining on the phone to my sister about him.

He has come down on me like a tonne of bricks over this. Says he doesnt want our personal life or our problems discussed with anyone. Hes actually now saying he doesn't trust me and this could potentially be the end of our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking im within my rights to confide in my sister about this argument? Is it really that big a deal? Granted i definitely was "ranting" when he overheard...but still?

You have every right to talk about your feelings and the state of things with people outside the marriage as long as you're sensible about it.

He is controlling and unreasonable.
I would call his bluff and tell him to leave if he thinks he gets to dictate who you can and cannot talk to about the state of your life. He's not the boss of you. Not much of a partner either by the sound of it.

It does sound like it’s him you should be talking to not your sister. You had sorted the gift I think he was ott about that part.

“Don’t tell people that I acted badly! It’s really embarrassing for me. I don’t like it! I don’t like people thinking badly of me! Wah! I don’t want them to know the dick thing I did”

There. Translated it for him.

Do you think NOT acting like a bellend over not getting a commercial Father's Day card, before 8 am, considering everything else (dinner, personalised gift, child's made card) is important?

Rubbish!

No he's in the wrong because he was sulking and stormed out of the house because he didn't get a commercial Father's Day card before 8am.

despite getting one his child made, special dinner & a personalised gift.

I'm in the camp that we don't talk negatively outside of our marriage and especially not to family.

I did early in my marriage when I would get pissed of about normal day to day couple frustrations and I realised actually it is disrespectful and it changes how the person you are bitching to views your partner. The reality is I am as capable of being irritating as he is.

What you did was speak in the moment slagging him off for a small part of your relationship.

I would honestly be questioning my marriage if I walked in and heard my husband slatting the shit out of me to my MIL for example.

There are obviously situations that I would like infidelity,addiction, DV.

Anything else. No. If I really thought I needed to vent or help working through shit in my marriage I would speak to a therapist.

Spot on!!

I see it more as an agreement between 2 adults. It looks like I'm in the minority but tbh if I had an argument with my husband and then walked in on him discussing it with his sister and talking about me negatively I have to admit I wouldn't be impressed.

I do agree with keeping most things inside the marriage unless it's something you need help with.

Discussing these things with family just puts everybody in an awkward position. Until he walked on her and blew up it seems like it wasn't a major argument and yet she's telling her sister all about so to me that suggests it's a common thing which he has asked her (in my opinion) reasonably not to do.

As I say though everybody has different relationships and it looks like I'm in the minority.

I totally agree he was out of order about ending the marriage stuff though and he overreacted.

Would be interesting to see opinions on a husband not buying a Mother's Day card and then slagging an OP off to his sister though 🤔

It’s controlling and isolating for him to demand that you don’t share your feelings with your nearest and dearest. If he doesn’t want you speaking negatively about him he should behave a bit better.

Mumsnet is mad because you’ll get women coming on saying “it’s my birthday AIBU to be sad my husband and 5 teenage kids didn’t get me a card or present?” and being told that they’re being babyish but OP’s prince of a husband gets to be in a sulk because he ONLY got one card and a personalised present and a special meal.

Yes not ideal to be moaning to your sister but very understandable!

@starship92 So, just to recap:

• You cooked DH his favourite meal last night,
• You ordered him a personalised gift from the kids which was here for his waking this morning,
• You were unable to get him a card this last week, but were going out first thing this morning to get one, which he was aware of, but ...

none of the above was good enough for him to maintain his good humour until you returned with his card. Dear God, what a baby. 🙄 And FWIW, my DH and I have been together for 44 years and I occasionally complain about him to my sister or friend when I feel he's being unreasonable and I'm certain he does the same with his best friend - it's perfectly normal to let off steam to a close relative or friend (who may help you see things from your spouse's perspective) and is not the stuff of divorces!

Yeah this. Bugger all I bet.

Was he kicking up a stink because you didn't buy him a card on time for Father's Day, but you had let him know in advance that would be the case? Venting his reaction to this to your sister would be perfectly understandable, as that's a healthy dynamic. If the rant with your sister was issues unrelated to this, then he may have point depending on you were annoyed about.

This is DARVO at it's most potent OP. You are right to be furiously angry. He is ridiculous and I would struggle to have respect for him after this.

Threatening to divorce me over this would have me saying, "Bring it on".

100% this.

Depends on what he’s asking to be kept private doesn’t it ? Sounds to me like it’s straight out of the narcissists playbook. Isolate you from friends and family so he can treat you like shit. Is this what’s going on OP or is this a one off ?

What’s going on generally, OP? People don’t go off the deep end for no reason. They generally act good natured if they are happy and content.

Yes, this

You've admitted that you overstepped, you understand why he's upset, you've apologised. You could reassure him that you won't make the same mistake again, and generally follow through on that - but only if the two of you can clarify and agree on what's acceptable or not. Does he think you mischaracterised his behavior to your sister, or does he just believe personal issues should not be discussed outside of the relationship in general? If it's the latter, the two of you need to generally agree on where the line is drawn.

Above all, don't let his criticism of your ranting to your sister about the argument eclipse the root cause of the argument itself, or his inappropriate reaction afterwards. Even if the two of you get the issue of keeping personal stuff personal squared away satisfactorily, you'll still have to talk about (1) his poor behaviour on and around Fathers' Day, which sounds like it negatively impacted the children as well as you and (2) his unacceptable threats about leaving the relationship if you don't comply with his unilateral rules about your behaviour. Does he agree that these things are wrong, and will he also take steps to understand why he acted this way and ensure it won't happen again?

OP you can talk to whoever you like about anything you want.

You tried to make him happy.
You cannot
Think divorce

i was in this situation with my abusive ex and I didn’t realise it was abuse until after I left him. You’re in the same position OP.

Getting irrationally angry at me over petty things when he’d done much worse. Getting really angry when I discussed his behaviour with my sister. Feeling forced to apologise to him over and over when I hadn’t done anything wrong. Threatening me with divorce to silence me. Feeling like I was walking on eggshells during what should have been happy occasions.

Please don’t listen to one person on here who says you shouldn’t be discussing your marriage with your sister and/or he’s right to be angry about the card. They’ve clearly not been in an abusive relationship with a controlling person and don’t recognise the behaviours for what they are.

A partner who loves, appreciates and respects you would have made a joke about it, and moved on.

It sounds like he wants to isolate you and keep you from getting support when you need it. It is normal to have a confidante outside your marriage, they can actually help you recognise when you get things wrong as well as give support. He is being an ass.

I was in a relationship where the OH didn't like me talking to anyone about our problems...

"My friends?"

"No! We socialise with them!"

"Just my best friend?"

"Absolutely not!"

"My siblings? Or just one sibling?"

"They all talk to each other about everything!"

"My mum or dad?"

"It's none of their business."

"...so no one."

"Exactly! I don't talk to people about these things, do I?"

"Perhaps you should."

It was partly a control thing. But also it was a privacy thing. And I understand that.

However, that wasn't compatible with my way of living. And it's not really fair to expect the other person to change something that intrinsic to their personality.

....this was one of the reasons we split up.