Some mums need to cop on!

[coffeegirl73]

So my dd is 21 and at uni and her boyfriend is 21 and is there too. They live in different uni shared houses. So his mother drove nearly 3 hours last weekend to clean her son’s room and house in preparation for him moving back home for the summer. Apparently last year when she arrived to take him home he hadn’t packed or cleaned. I mean he is a disgrace but I blame his mum nearly as much. Ladies WHY would you do this for your sons…??? !!! I will be literally arriving and will help dd carry her stuff to the car. No way will be doing any cleaning - I try not to go too far into the student house tbh 🤮😷but honestly she is doing him no favours and it’s giving me the ick. Dd not too impressed but
she loves him 🙈I just hope it doesn’t become long term. But my point really is come on mums give your sons a sense of responsibility and independence and stop bailing them out and babying them. Tbh she does know a couple of girls who “can’t clean” and whose parents helped them. I mean ffs who’s raising these princesses lol

Exactly!!

Am amazed to see the PP say that the ONLY time they'd help their son/daughter with anything is if they had a baby?!

Look I’ve nothing against “helping” totally agree it’s what we aspire to but there is a difference between helping and doing everything for and enabling a young man to take zero responsibility . Like I say so many men seem to be looking for another mother to mind them rather than a partner where you take equal responsibility for running a home and raising children.

But ill health is a hard pass? Your poor children.

To actually admit that is embarrassing, her poor kids.

What’s the point in even having children or a family if you aren’t going to help each other? Surely that’s one of the main reasons, to help and support each other, no? No wonder there are so many no contact posts on MN I can see the reasons why.

You've no doubt raised a daughter with your own high standards, so what is she doing with this helpless mummy's boy? Maybe you should be questioning your parenting?

He needs to "cop on" with a poss MIL like you.

I feel like the people defending this mother and son must operate in a similar way. I dont understand how so many of you won’t take my point . There is a difference between helping and enabling ?

Hmm because I expect a young man to be able to look after himself and his home? Right. Maybe you are one of these women who do everything for their kids ensuring they cannot hold a secure attachments or have an equal relationship.

Why do we need to be forced into agreeing with you? That’s not how life works sweetie, have you not figured that out already?

Well I don't understand why you won't take my point about women being blamed for men's shortcomings but there we go. You can't force people to agree with you (even when you're clearly right 😉)

The only time you would ever help your kids out is when they have a baby? That’s quite a weird hard line.

I would say the vast majority of people I know have help from family, siblings, parents etc when they do things like moving. They don’t simply rely on paid cleaners and movers.

I wouldn’t call it swooping in to help nor does it mean you can’t stand on your own two feet.

It's just none of your business what this mother and her son do (unless it is affecting your daughter which it doesn't appear to be). Cleaning his room isn't 'doing everything' for him. He is living independently, studying at university. Quite a lot of responsibility, there. For all we know, this woman might have a daughter that she's done the same thing for. Or maybe there are other mums and dads in the world that turn up to help their daughters with end of term cleaning and packing (come to think of it, 2 of my friends have done this for their daughters!).

I think you are projecting your own feelings about 'useless men' onto this situation and your daughter. I suspect (and hope) that your daughter is well aware and used to this, though.

I "operate" by not blaming women for the uselessness of men.

Amen to this. I have a son the same age and I’ll help him all day long if he asks me to. It’s not babying, it’s being a loving and supportive mum.

He knows how to cook (better than me!) clean and is more than competent, but moving out and doing a deep end of tenancy clean is hard work! And yes, I drive 3 hours there and back to help him.

There absolutely is a difference between helping and enabling, couldn’t agree more.

I grew up watching my Uncle regularly telephone my Nana to get my Grandad (when he had moved out and had kids of his own) to drive to the Co-op, buy him a chocolate milkshake, and drop it round. Bearing in mind they all lived a few roads apart and a 2 min walk to the shop. My Grandad hated it, he wasn’t lazy himself, but my Nana would guilt trip him into doing it. I watched all this from age 6 thinking how is my Uncle so awfully lazy? Why are they enabling this? Just walk to the shop?

I would be embarrassed if I raised children who even thought it was acceptable to be that lazy and ask in the first place.

Since I went to uni I’ve wanted a relationship with my own Mum based on us being equal adults, best friends. I interact with her because I enjoy talking to her, going to the cinema, spending time together. I would hate for her to think I only call/visit because I want something.

She of course will help me, but I only ask when I actually need it in an emergency E.g. could you collect my son from school as you happen to be off work & my baby is vomiting all over me? If not, no probs, I’ll just ask my neighbour/another Mum/go and hope for the best! I of course help her too, eg walking her dog and shopping when she broke her ankle, feeding her cats when on holiday. These are legitimate asks for help.

I moved out to uni then with DH in my early ‘20s and have never needed help with day-to-day cleaning/packing/laundry/gardening. I would never have dreamed of asking my poor Mum to clean my uni room! My siblings would though, and she had more than enough to do cleaning up after them for years as adults, so I’ve always tried to ask little to compensate for their laziness. I did ask my brother to help my DH shift some very heavy bookcases after shifting as much as I could myself first. I’d help him out with his pets whilst on hol, not his day-to-day cleaning!

A lot of ‘help’ asked for/demanded is not necessary at all. It infantilises people and makes them believe they are incompetent. I want my children to grow up knowing how capable they are and be able to function fully as adults. I don’t want they to stay trapped as demanding, spoilt children/teenagers and never grow up.

Help should also be requested not demanded/assumed, fully appreciated and thanks expressed for if given.

Why should she need to be defended. Are you comfortable with the help you give your daughter? If you are why are you worried about what other people choose to do?

I think most adult kids would do it the other way around and help their parents move too!

Even some of our friends are asking to let them know if we need help when we move. It’s completely normal.

I always did this for my son. Cleaned every uni room. Then cleaned every room when he moved into shared houses. Not regularly but the first clean. And traveled to do it. Ridiculous. I need my own house cleaned. Did it until he was late 20s I think.

Yes to helping friends too.

I think that one big thing missing from society today is community. I am all for teaching my son that if help is needed with something, help should be offered. Learning to take care of the people we love is as important as teaching him to be independent and capable as a grown up.

Although, in OP defence, if I’ve read rightly and the son buggered off leaving his mum to it, that’s not ok. If my son tried that I’d laugh at him and hand him the hoover.

@coffeegirl73 why is your daughter with this man? Have you not passed on your high standards to her? She seems to have taken up with someone who is completely the opposite of someone you would approve of

Why?

Some weird opinions on here 🤣hey ho it does explain how there are so many men so totally unprepared for having a relationship on an equal footing with a partner. And yes I do blame his mother in part.

So then we can blame you for raising a daughter who finds this attractive?
Your daughter enjoyed a “last night” out with her boyfriend while his mummy cleaned his bedroom. It sounds like your standards haven’t been passed onto your daughter despite your elite parenting.

'Some weird opinions on here 🤣'
'Weird responses' meaning people who have a different opinion to you.

'hey ho it does explain how there are so many men so totally unprepared for having a relationship on an equal footing with a partner. And yes I do blame his mother in part.'
All men are useless and it's all your fault, boy mums!

How you have got all of this from one mother helping her adult son clean his university accommodation is the weirdest thing.