Partner doesn’t care about cleanliness of house

[Isthishowitis]

… and says I’m over the top!

I am a SAHM to 2 kids, age 5 & 1. He has his own business and works full time.

He bathes the kids, and gets up with them in the morning as youngest still sleeps with me and is up 2/3 times a night feeding. He’ll sort their breakfast, iron school clothes and do school run.

But that is where it ends. We have been in this home for 3 years and he’s not once cleaned the bathroom or fridge. We have had a bathroom leak which has discoloured the carpet on the landing and our kids bedroom, and he is completely unbothered. Says I’m being over the top hassling people to get it sorted. Took no steps to fix anything.

Theres a huge ugly box of concrete on the kitchen wall where the boiler was removed, and I’ve suggested a few things to fix and he’s done nothing. Today, whilst arguing about things again, he said there’s more important things to do like play with the kids! And I often hear this from him. “I couldn’t do x because I had the baby!” Well how the hell do I do anything during the week!?

Bills, food shops, meal planning, kids health appts, general appts, day outs, holidays, washing, cleaning, all on me.

Yesterday I got all my kids soft toys out of their rooms as I want to wash them all and he’s basically said I’m nuts and have a problem. They haven’t ever been washed and they’ve been in there collecting dust for 2 years ffs.

His job is the cat litter but he leaves it for ages until it STINKS, then eventually after I ask him he does it. He only ever does things when I ask him apart from the dishes every other day or so.

Anywqy whenever I give examples he basically laughs in my face and sneers, inferring I’m being irrational and these things don’t matter. It drives me insane. I hoover once or twice a day as well as we have carpet and the kids get crumbs everywhere, he also claims this is nuts and I hoovered “yesterday” and we could be doing better things with our time. Sorry, but I can’t sit down and relax at the end of the day with visible food crumbs all over the floor. So needless to say he never hoovers unless I ask him to, he’ll do it if I ask and sometimes he’ll whinge about it, say I’m too much, and then do it.

Obviously he works outside of the house so I’m happy to do most things at the house but ie he blind!?

I got up yesterday after another night of broken sleep (haven’t slept through the night in 2 years now!) and he’s already downstairs with our 2 kids, but there’s books all over the kids bedroom floor, shampoo and deodorant bottles on the bathroom floor that the kids have knocked over, bits of toilet paper, and he’s just bloody left them there! For who? If it’s not him, it’s me! And it’s always like that. He laughed when I brought it up saying he “didn’t notice.”

Is this just standard??

Honestly - you sound a bit obsessive with cleaning.

Living with small children creates a certain degree of mess, and if working full time (and responsibility of own business) he is probably fairly knackered each day.

You don’t need to hoover every day, for example.

People have different standards and yours isn’t necessarily the right standard.

Interesting take. Thanks for your honesty!

I don’t feel I am at all, as I don’t have the time to be. For example our skirting boards are visibly grimy and I’m desperate for the time to get to them.

He is doing a lot - playing his part and doing his share.

He just does not share your standards - that is fine - his are as valid as yours and I am with him all the way in preferring time with children who will be grown in the blink of an eye and need parental input and attention.

You are not living in filth and squalor. Relax and enjoy those children!

Skirting boards! - heavens I have not even looked at mine in years, let alone cleaned them!!

Instead of playing with them IN the house, could your DH take your kids to the park for an hour to give you the child free time you need to clean the skirting boards for example. If he did that one evening a week and once over the weekend would that help?

You have two choices OP. He is the earner, his income can pay for outsourcing this work. Or you can also start earning and both can pay their share to outsource the work.

She's not living in squalor because she's having to do all the cleaning to ensure that!

OP, I have similar standards to you so completely understand your POV. My partner is not as argumentative as yours about it, but equally I'm also fed up asking him to do things. I work 3 days a week, but I'm doing 90% of housework, and the other 10% is all directed by me. He can see dirt the same as I can surely? It's so frustrating! If he complained about it, he'd not be my partner any more! I just wish he'd use some bloody initiative!

He’s certainly doesn’t sound lazy or uninvolved
just has different priorities and sees different tings as important

I don't think you're being unreasonable, he sounds quite happy to just make a mess and leave it for the fairies to sort out.

He sounds like he helps out a lot especially on a morning. You do sound a bit obsessive with it., honestly

He’s always been like this so why are you expecting different?

He works and makes a financial contribution and you don't. He also does childcare. Get a cleaner if you don't want to do it.

Just pay for a house clean when he’s at work. Then the worst gets done. Sort out the kitchen wall. Think of a solution and act on it. Your dh does loads more than mine ever did. Mine just worked. You only have 1 baby at home and baby needs own bedroom. My DH never got up to play with dc. You are very lucky yours does. I did get annoyed with dh but I think yours sounds more hands on and helps in other ways. I know what doing everything looks like and it’s not what you are doing!

I don’t make a financial contribution but I am doing everything else. I did used to work, and then we both worked part time to alternate having our eldest but he wanted to go back to the business full time! I feel our youngest is too little for nursery right now.

Then you need to outsource the cleaning.

Can’t afford that on a regular basis and no way would he go for it

This would drive me nuts and is why I couldn’t be a SAHM, I would have the fear I would become the default skivvy and default parent.

Once kids are in bed one evening say you want to have a proper chat and you’d like it if both of you could commit to not getting emotional or shouty. See if you can come to a compromise position. Ie he doesn’t make extra work for you and cleans up after himself. Agree a basic division of labour at home. Even if that is 80% you - there should be some things that he takes on - and does without being nagged or “managed” and to a reasonable standard. Even if just the bins and the DIY if he wants to be a sexist arse about it. Agree to lower your standards or be the one to make up the difference. Hovering twice a day does seem a bit ott, of course sweep up crumbs under the dinner table but otherwise hoovering once a week is honestly plenty. If you want it done twice a day I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask someone else to do it, but you crack on and do it.

If you are well off (and maybe you are if you can afford to fund a stay at home parent) then get a cleaner.

This is the dilemma with not being financially independent. He is earning and therefore can make that decision. Thats why both partners working and outsourcing what the other doesn’t want to do is the most practical solution. If you don’t earn, then you are stuck in that regard.

Then you need to go back to work and get some financial independence - at the moment you're not married, have no income of your own and are in a very vulnerable situation as a SAHM.

I know - and we aren’t even married!!!

I worked full time from age 16. When we met, I was in fact the higher earner.

Maybe that’s why this drives me wild. I adore my kids but being a SAHM and doing house chores all day was not my dream.

You need some outside interests.

I'd suggest you find a job and a nursery place for your youngest, you'll be able to afford a cleaner then and have something more interesting to occupy your mind than hoovering twice a day.

I’m a sahm and he sounds like he’s doing a lot during the week!
my husband does some household stuff on weekends but I do all getting up with children, meals and baths when he’s at work.
i think your husband sounds pretty good. I wouldn’t expect my husband to do the food shop or cooking as he’s the working partner and I’m the sahp

I don’t want to hoover twice a day, but I let the kids run around with food all over the place so there is literally chunks of food, crumbs, rubbish, paper all over the carpet by the end of the day. Surely I’m not expected to just let it sit there and get stomped in)

Why are there crumbs everywhere all the time? Unless there are issues DC can eat at the table, learn that a plate is for catching crumbs with any stray being wiped up from the table and cleared from the floor at the time. They don’t need to be kicked around the house to the point everywhere needs hoovering every day. These are skills to be mastered as young as possible.

I think you need to look at exactly what is being done, how often and why to see if there are any areas to work on stopping the need for all the cleaning before you start looking at the division of tasks.

If DH is contributing to the load considerably then that needs addressing obviously.

Our relationship is similar to yours in that I have much higher standards of cleanliness/tidiness at home than DP does. And my standards are not remotely high, I promise! We've been together well over a decade and I knew this about him at least by about 2yrs in once we were settled living together. He's never going to change and I have to accept that about him. And he's not 'wrong' in fairness, just different. That being said he always does absolutely any job that I ask, 90 per cent of the time without any complaints, and he sacrifices a lot of sleep to keep on top of the house since we had our youngest and it all went to shit (8 months).

I think maybe sit down and talk to him openly and honestly and try to find some compromise really. Cleaner would be great but we are the same in that I'd love one but can't justify the expense really. I mean, I could afford it, but would have to cut back on something else e.g. kids activities/leisure spend and my children would definitely rather have fun paid for than a cleaner paid for!

Also just for the record we both work part time, but he works one day more than me, and earns about double. I don't actually think this is that relevant though as if I was a SAHM he'd support that fine too and the mismatched expectations with housework would still be there anyway. He wouldn't expect me to do everything though as he does a fair share now whilst I'm on mat leave just as he did with the other mat leaves.