Partner doesn’t care about cleanliness of house

[Isthishowitis]

… and says I’m over the top!

I am a SAHM to 2 kids, age 5 & 1. He has his own business and works full time.

He bathes the kids, and gets up with them in the morning as youngest still sleeps with me and is up 2/3 times a night feeding. He’ll sort their breakfast, iron school clothes and do school run.

But that is where it ends. We have been in this home for 3 years and he’s not once cleaned the bathroom or fridge. We have had a bathroom leak which has discoloured the carpet on the landing and our kids bedroom, and he is completely unbothered. Says I’m being over the top hassling people to get it sorted. Took no steps to fix anything.

Theres a huge ugly box of concrete on the kitchen wall where the boiler was removed, and I’ve suggested a few things to fix and he’s done nothing. Today, whilst arguing about things again, he said there’s more important things to do like play with the kids! And I often hear this from him. “I couldn’t do x because I had the baby!” Well how the hell do I do anything during the week!?

Bills, food shops, meal planning, kids health appts, general appts, day outs, holidays, washing, cleaning, all on me.

Yesterday I got all my kids soft toys out of their rooms as I want to wash them all and he’s basically said I’m nuts and have a problem. They haven’t ever been washed and they’ve been in there collecting dust for 2 years ffs.

His job is the cat litter but he leaves it for ages until it STINKS, then eventually after I ask him he does it. He only ever does things when I ask him apart from the dishes every other day or so.

Anywqy whenever I give examples he basically laughs in my face and sneers, inferring I’m being irrational and these things don’t matter. It drives me insane. I hoover once or twice a day as well as we have carpet and the kids get crumbs everywhere, he also claims this is nuts and I hoovered “yesterday” and we could be doing better things with our time. Sorry, but I can’t sit down and relax at the end of the day with visible food crumbs all over the floor. So needless to say he never hoovers unless I ask him to, he’ll do it if I ask and sometimes he’ll whinge about it, say I’m too much, and then do it.

Obviously he works outside of the house so I’m happy to do most things at the house but ie he blind!?

I got up yesterday after another night of broken sleep (haven’t slept through the night in 2 years now!) and he’s already downstairs with our 2 kids, but there’s books all over the kids bedroom floor, shampoo and deodorant bottles on the bathroom floor that the kids have knocked over, bits of toilet paper, and he’s just bloody left them there! For who? If it’s not him, it’s me! And it’s always like that. He laughed when I brought it up saying he “didn’t notice.”

Is this just standard??

Charming, OP. You sound like a martyr, and it's helping no one. That's what people are saying.

Not a martyr. After reading though this, the kids won’t be eating anywhere but the kitchen anymore. Fully open to suggestions and taking things on board, but I draw the line at the anti breastfeeding brigade. There’s too much of that misinformation about.

Nobody said you had to give up breastfeeding.

But you don't need to sacrifice your sleep for years on end either. It's not good for you or your kids to have a mum who's running on empty.

Good on your putting those boundaries in place. It will make life easier and less stressed/messy.

Sounds like he does a lot

Any sort of food at the table. 20 snacks a day is ludicrous. And harmful. And drawing and colouring not at a table is not helping either.

Get married.
Get a job.
Get a cleaner.

I see both side and understand what you mean. At the end of the day EVERYONE living in the house creates the dirt and mess. To be the only person who very cleans properly is very demoralising.
I have a similar situation and it’s rubbish.
Toilets, windows, bedsheets etc I wish I could ignore but it’s just not possible. I’m certainly not a neat freak or OCD by any standards. But for these things to never even be looked twice at by the other half can get infuriating.
Out of curiosity, I started using our bathroom shower so only my OP used the on suite. Six months later it was so grim I couldn’t leave it any longer. Sadly the new grout had got so mouldy/stained I’ve never been able to get it like new again 🤦‍♀️

@Isthishowitis my husband is like yours, he doesn’t see the mess, I don’t understand how he doesn’t but when he’s playing with our daughter the toys are everywhere and generally the house is a tip.

I’ve realised that our standards are just very different so in order to have a good clean he takes our daughter out on Saturday morning xx

Get a robot hoover. The one year old doesn’t need to be fed during the night, knock that on the head. It’s terrible for their teeth as much as anything

It’s not part of having kids. Any food or drink is had sitting at the table - you don’t let children have food on the sofa or get crumbs across the living room.

If you say so. I've only brought up 3 kids. And have 4 grandchildren

A cup of water if she's thirsty. By rewarding waking with feeding then you are encouraging it.

The child seriously will not starve if not fed through the night

I get that you’re experienced and you’ve done the whole parenting thing, but advice has moved on a bit since then. These days we know toddlers don’t magically stop needing comfort just because the sun goes down.

Night feeds age 1 are totally normal and not some terrible habit. I’m good with it, baby is good with it, and no one is starving.

Night weaning is on my radar, but right now it’s not that important.

You’d probably be horrified to know that my eldest co slept with me until age 4!

How is me pointing out there is no physical need for night feeds at that age anti-breastfeeding? I breastfed way beyond that age. During the day. Not that that's particularly relevant.

You seem to take offense that others don't value your sacrifices enough, simply by many of us pointing out these sacrifices might not be necessary at all.

you sound like my mother. Antiquated views. Speaking about food as “reward” and tying it into behaviour.

a baby breastfeeding in the night is not an issue if mum is happy to do it. Some babies need it, may be having a growth spurt, be learning to walk or need the extra calories. Solids at that age aren’t as calorie dense and it can be difficult when they’re small to eat enough.

both mine fed at night until 18m. Yes they did need it, and yes I did it on the advice of HCP, despite my mother telling me that I was wrong, they were manipulating me, I should give water so there’s nothing worth waking up for. There often is a physical need, these are growing children who are developing rapidly.

wind your neck in. Someone else’s breastfeeding choices are not for you to judge. This is why bf rates are so low in this country, arseholes telling women they’re feeding too much, or shouldn’t be feeding at night, or making rods for their own backs, or whatever judgemental crap.

the state of o/p’s house and allowing them to eat and drop food is a separate issue.

I don't give a damn about her breastfeeds but her one year could ( could be knocking on 2 for all we know) will not starve during the night Especially after 3 meals and endless snacks and probably a few breastfeeds during the day.

If she's happy to do it fair enough but the child doesn't physically " need" it and she can't complain of lack of sleep at the same tine

My daughter's have Babies/ toddlers( 3 months 5 months 2 years 8years ) so hardly in the bloody past. If they are waking in the night ( only the e 3 month old does regularly) they can be comforted without feeding.

And DDs eldest was 2 when she stopped feeding him. But he didn't feed at night after 7 or 8 months. Strangely he survived without starving. And she was a working full time from him but being 4.5 months so you would think it more likely he'd feed all night. What's co sleeping hot to do with anything? Unless they eat crisps and croissant in the bed aldo

Some children do physically need it.

they can’t pack away enough calories from solids in the day to meet their activity and growth needs.

mine did. Verified by various HCP- my oldest was losing weight around one as she was walking and very active. Plus a growth spurt. So I was advised by paediatricians to maintain the feeds at night and not to cut them out.

So again, stop with telling mothers whether their child should be sleeping through the night without food. Just because the children you know were sleeping through at 6 weeks or whenever it does not mean it applies to every child. Some can, some can’t.

Why on earth do dc run around with food all day? I would never have allowed this. I agree with others, limit food intake to set times and ensure dc are house trained. I just don’t recognise this as parenting. It’s a free for all dictated totally by dc. Why make work for yourself?

A 1 year old doesn’t need feeding in the night. A child losing weight (very few do) can eat food with more calories during the day. The dc rule totally in the OP’s house and it’s not good for any of them. Who is actually happy here? Op isn’t. DH has switched off in terms of running the house and dc are demanding and rule the roost.

He sounds pretty good to be honest, getting up with them and doing the school run is really great and would be an enormous help as a SAHM. If he works full time and does the school run, it makes sense that you do the cleaning, can't say I've ever washed all the soft toys unless one actually needed washing. I'd be worried about the carpet after the leak because of the damage but the rest really doesn't sound too bad!

Several night feeds at 1 is not standard. Mine were bottle fed and got all the love and connection without needing breastmilk. DS1 autistic and did wake up once every night to be fed. And he insisted on sleeping in my bed (when he woke up in his bed at night) until age 10 so I know how it feels to never get a full night's sleep.

I have always had a rule: you eat snacks at the table (dining room). So if my kids are hungry they would have to stop playing and come to the table to eat and then go back to their activities. They are 15 and 12 so used to it by know. I even tell my DH off when he eats elsewhere because I'm a sahm so I'm the one hoovering not him. I wouldn't expect him to work to provide for us all AND do house chores that I have the time to do during the day. Your DH sounds perfectly fine to me and I do think that maybe being a Sahm is not for you. Try to appreciate the time you have with your children rather than focussing on what needs to be cleaned.

It is actually very normal for a breastfed baby to wake up sevel times during the night to breastfeed. Often they’re not having milk but just comforting themselves back to sleep. My eldest was bottle fed, used a dummy and was sleeping through (in my bed) at this age. There is a difference.

If i told my 37 year old partner that he wasn’t allowed to eat in the living room he would tell me to get lost - obviously!

I went back when both mine were eight months and used nursery. Sometimes needs must. It wasn’t easy but at least my relationship was good and we were equals in every way.

Sorry but my sympathies are completely with your DH.

He's right. Your children will remember happy times playing with their parents. I guarantee they won’t remember that there were a few crumbs on the carpet because it hadn’t been hoovered for - horrors! - 24 hours. But if crumbs worry you that much, don’t let the children eat other than at a table.

Feeling obliged to wash all the soft toys is ridiculous. I appreciate that a favourite might need it very occasionally, but I have had my Teddy for 70 years and it has never, ever, been washed.

I'm afraid you sound obsessive. I would find it very hard to live with.

Sorry, but I agree with the poster you were replying to. I couldn't care less about my skirting boards. There is so much more to life than a perfectly clean and tidy house.