Partner doesn’t care about cleanliness of house

[Isthishowitis]

… and says I’m over the top!

I am a SAHM to 2 kids, age 5 & 1. He has his own business and works full time.

He bathes the kids, and gets up with them in the morning as youngest still sleeps with me and is up 2/3 times a night feeding. He’ll sort their breakfast, iron school clothes and do school run.

But that is where it ends. We have been in this home for 3 years and he’s not once cleaned the bathroom or fridge. We have had a bathroom leak which has discoloured the carpet on the landing and our kids bedroom, and he is completely unbothered. Says I’m being over the top hassling people to get it sorted. Took no steps to fix anything.

Theres a huge ugly box of concrete on the kitchen wall where the boiler was removed, and I’ve suggested a few things to fix and he’s done nothing. Today, whilst arguing about things again, he said there’s more important things to do like play with the kids! And I often hear this from him. “I couldn’t do x because I had the baby!” Well how the hell do I do anything during the week!?

Bills, food shops, meal planning, kids health appts, general appts, day outs, holidays, washing, cleaning, all on me.

Yesterday I got all my kids soft toys out of their rooms as I want to wash them all and he’s basically said I’m nuts and have a problem. They haven’t ever been washed and they’ve been in there collecting dust for 2 years ffs.

His job is the cat litter but he leaves it for ages until it STINKS, then eventually after I ask him he does it. He only ever does things when I ask him apart from the dishes every other day or so.

Anywqy whenever I give examples he basically laughs in my face and sneers, inferring I’m being irrational and these things don’t matter. It drives me insane. I hoover once or twice a day as well as we have carpet and the kids get crumbs everywhere, he also claims this is nuts and I hoovered “yesterday” and we could be doing better things with our time. Sorry, but I can’t sit down and relax at the end of the day with visible food crumbs all over the floor. So needless to say he never hoovers unless I ask him to, he’ll do it if I ask and sometimes he’ll whinge about it, say I’m too much, and then do it.

Obviously he works outside of the house so I’m happy to do most things at the house but ie he blind!?

I got up yesterday after another night of broken sleep (haven’t slept through the night in 2 years now!) and he’s already downstairs with our 2 kids, but there’s books all over the kids bedroom floor, shampoo and deodorant bottles on the bathroom floor that the kids have knocked over, bits of toilet paper, and he’s just bloody left them there! For who? If it’s not him, it’s me! And it’s always like that. He laughed when I brought it up saying he “didn’t notice.”

Is this just standard??

You posted about different foods being squashed and trodden in the carpet. Food all over the sofa. Not just crumbs.

Meh. Whatever.

Why not?

Don't let the run around with food. Mine never were allowed as I wasn't going to constantly be bloody hoovering

The snacking is an easy one to solve. A mid morning snack and mid afternoon too. Both done at the table and no screens at food times. I promise this change alone will help. No food in lounge at all. Kids will be ready then for doing this at nursery or preschool where it is the norm.
I also had a little hand held vac which kids would enjoy using as part of tidy up time which helps get them onto good habits growing up.

Ps you DP should absolutely be doing some housework. I can't imagine an adult and parent never cleaning a loo or bath. I used to do the bathroom clean whilst kids were in the tub and do can he. You are not his housekeeper. 🤬

My partner is like this. He genuinely thinks I'm insane for cleaning the house (just a basic clean e.g. making sure the guest toilet is clean, hoovering the lounge rug, and wiping down kitchen worktops, that sort of thing) prior to guests coming round. I just don't think a lot of men care about stuff like skirting board dirt.

My husband has higher standards than me and will redo any housework I do “properly” which means his way so I just leave everything to him so he can do it his way, I’ve always said I’ll do it my way or not at all and if he wants it all done a particular way then be can do it himself. So he does.

He's right and you are wrong. Yes some DIY sounds necessary but you soundcso unreasonable I don't blame him for not bothering. I would focus on your youngest sleep issues too as this must be affecting your intimate side of your relationship.

No need for it to be " part of kids" though. They don't need endless random snacks especially running about with them.

And a 1 year old shouldnt need night feeds either

I think you’re being a bit extreme here. Your partner sounds like he does a lot, definitely doing his fair share. And of course as SAHP you end up responsible for more of the housework. But there are also some housework tasks you can let slide with young children. I’ve never washed my 3yo’s soft toys (unless there’s been a specific reason to). And meal and snack times are done at the table, or out in the garden when nice, so no issues with crumbs that need hoovering several times a day. But on that note - do you have a cordless vacuum? Because I love ours and we’re able to whip it out and clean a specific area in seconds.

Says who?

Why on earth would they need endless snacks. And the one year old should have had enough to eat during the day with the 20 snacks plus meals to not need feeding overnight

Common bloody sense

It’s not about common sense. A breastfeeding 1 year old waking multiple times in the night is common.

No food in the lounge ever. Snacks at the table in the kitchen.
your DH is doing a lot imo considering he’s working full time.

I’ve been a housewife for 20 plus years. Our home is reasonably tidy but also comfortable. There is always more housework to do. It’s like painting the 4th bridge really. But with grown children now they don’t stay little forever. I’m glad I prioritized time with my DC, family time over cleaning. There will always be cleaning and there is limited time with kids or DH. Because one day they will be gone.
And keeping a very clean tidy house with small children is a waste of time.
Being outside the house - in garden or time in park etc also means the house is not in your mind.

I never washed the cuddly toys unless they had fallen in a puddle or kids had vomited/weed on them.

In my house, the person who notices the mess, cleans it.

I have the same standards of cleanliness as the OP i would say.
The difference is I made it as easy as possible to keep things clean rather than endlessly cleaning up everyone's mess.
Kids ate food at the table (or in the highchair when small enough) and I used those disposable plastic mats that went under the chair to catch mess (admittedly not good for the environment but you could use cheap flat sheets and wash/re use them).
He should have picked the bottles up before he came down with the kids.
Skirting boards are easy and quick to clean with a mop and bucket...definitely not worth getting on hands and knees to do!
I vehemently disagree with those that say playing with the kids is 'more important' than cleaning, it is perfectly possible to have a lovely clean home that everyone can enjoy spending time in and spend plenty of time with your children, I bought mine a toy hoover that they followed me around with when I did the actual hoovering!
Clean the bathroom whilst the kids play in the bath, wipe kitchen surfaces after every meal, these things all take a couple of minutes at most but make a massive difference to how clean a home stays!

@Isthishowitisit doesn’t have to be how it is with breastfeeding and multiple wakes over one. Both of mine slept through, you can change it with different sleep associations instead of feeding when they wake. If you want to. Filling food before bed - wholemeal carbs, oats and milk with nut butter etc, helps. The lack of sleep is so tough.

My 1 and 3 year old eat every meal and snack at the table, but only have one snack a day. It still creates a huge amount of mess though, but we don’t vacuum frequently enough.

I hear you in the cat litter and the loo etc, and just clutter and mess. It really bothers me, doesn’t bother my partner, and so I end up doing more of it

You’re at home all day. Just clean to your own standards.

Look this isn't the life you want.

Tell him that you can't live with him so steps should be taken where you can go back to work and have separate houses. You don't need to split up and you'll probably find it a lot less resentful to not live together.

Huh?

I know MN is quick to jump on to the LTB train but this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a long time.

How does that conversation even go?

”Whelp, you’re an engaged father who works a lot and prioritizes spending time with our kids but you think I’m nuts for washing the baseboards and hovering twice a day, we aren’t even going talk about the knocked over shampoo bottle I found in the bathroom. I’m moving out!”

🙄

Hah, right!

However, it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s exactly what the OP wanted. And constant resentment is no good for anyone, particularly around children.

It’s actually not, and it’s not even really about the cleaning as such but a big problem for me is the laughing in my face and acting as if I’m insane for wanting to keep a clean and tidy home.

It really isn't. Every parent I have ever met will get their children to sit at the table to eat a snack. And croissants and crisps are two of the messiest foods you can give them, FFS. Sounds like your kids need some discipline and routine, tbh, so maybeva childminder/nursery would be good for them!

People who have carpet and don't want to hoover twice a day.

Also, children don't need snacks anywhere near the frequency yours seem to have them.