Partner doesn’t care about cleanliness of house

[Isthishowitis]

… and says I’m over the top!

I am a SAHM to 2 kids, age 5 & 1. He has his own business and works full time.

He bathes the kids, and gets up with them in the morning as youngest still sleeps with me and is up 2/3 times a night feeding. He’ll sort their breakfast, iron school clothes and do school run.

But that is where it ends. We have been in this home for 3 years and he’s not once cleaned the bathroom or fridge. We have had a bathroom leak which has discoloured the carpet on the landing and our kids bedroom, and he is completely unbothered. Says I’m being over the top hassling people to get it sorted. Took no steps to fix anything.

Theres a huge ugly box of concrete on the kitchen wall where the boiler was removed, and I’ve suggested a few things to fix and he’s done nothing. Today, whilst arguing about things again, he said there’s more important things to do like play with the kids! And I often hear this from him. “I couldn’t do x because I had the baby!” Well how the hell do I do anything during the week!?

Bills, food shops, meal planning, kids health appts, general appts, day outs, holidays, washing, cleaning, all on me.

Yesterday I got all my kids soft toys out of their rooms as I want to wash them all and he’s basically said I’m nuts and have a problem. They haven’t ever been washed and they’ve been in there collecting dust for 2 years ffs.

His job is the cat litter but he leaves it for ages until it STINKS, then eventually after I ask him he does it. He only ever does things when I ask him apart from the dishes every other day or so.

Anywqy whenever I give examples he basically laughs in my face and sneers, inferring I’m being irrational and these things don’t matter. It drives me insane. I hoover once or twice a day as well as we have carpet and the kids get crumbs everywhere, he also claims this is nuts and I hoovered “yesterday” and we could be doing better things with our time. Sorry, but I can’t sit down and relax at the end of the day with visible food crumbs all over the floor. So needless to say he never hoovers unless I ask him to, he’ll do it if I ask and sometimes he’ll whinge about it, say I’m too much, and then do it.

Obviously he works outside of the house so I’m happy to do most things at the house but ie he blind!?

I got up yesterday after another night of broken sleep (haven’t slept through the night in 2 years now!) and he’s already downstairs with our 2 kids, but there’s books all over the kids bedroom floor, shampoo and deodorant bottles on the bathroom floor that the kids have knocked over, bits of toilet paper, and he’s just bloody left them there! For who? If it’s not him, it’s me! And it’s always like that. He laughed when I brought it up saying he “didn’t notice.”

Is this just standard??

Honestly, I’d probably laugh if I lived with someone who’s making it incredibly hard to keep a house clean by allowing the children to do what they’re doing! It’s madness! Get a system going, proper meals at the table.

And sit down and talk with him and tell him you’re extremely upset. Hopefully, it will calm everything down.

He does have a shit attitude, so you need to protect yourself by going back to work, gaining some financial independence and making things more equal.

This probably won't be popular but I thing when one person is a SAHP (and 99% it's the mum) then the working parent often feels like they no longer need to bother with anything domestic.

20 snacks a day is ludicrous for a start. They will have no appetite for proper meals! A piece of fruit mid morning and a biscuit or a banana mid afternoon is fine. But tell them they have to eat it at the table. If not, they don't get the snack. My children were not the most obedient but eat at the table they did unless we were in the garden or similar.

Honestly being fastidious about housework and "letting them run around with food everywhere" do not go together. More importantly running around with food is a serious choking hazard.

Night wean the one year old. At that age if they're eating and drinking enough in the day its just comfort sucking. If you want to be a human dummy fair enough but don't moan about it if that's your choice.

Your partner sorts the kids in the morning and does the school run, and baths them in the evening. That's a lot! Most SAHM have to do the school runs themselves.

I get that it's annoying when people don't pick after themselves and you want things tidy but maybe think about it as a labour exchange for the school run. I'll let you into another secret - if you go back to work and kids are in childcare all day, there is no one at home to mess up the house, it's fantastic!

Oh give over. You don’t know my circumstances and I won’t refuse my kids foods they like because they’re messy ffs

What answers would you like?

I’ll comply.

Why can’t your kids eat at the table? Why are they having snacks twenty times a day?

Do they graze? If you stick to 3 meals and one or two snacks then it’s easy to do it at the table. Even better is sitting them down on a mat outside and then crumbs are outside!

That's totally fine, feed them what you like!

But the issue is

1. Giving your kids really messy food frequently
2. Not making them sit still when they eat it
3. Being pissed off when there's mess everwhere despite it being literally the inevitable consequence of 1+2.
4. Deciding to hoover twice a day rather than change any of 1-3
5. Somehow this being your partner's fault despite him being at work and not playing a part in this crumb-a-thon

This with bells on.

If you want to keep letting your kids run riot and trample food into your floors, then go ahead, but don't then bitch about all the housework you have to do because of it

Yes it is. If you haven't made them un-used to it. It's not a biological need to be fed.

If my DH wanted to hoover at least once a day, he’d be welcome to crack on. I wouldn’t be getting involved in such madness though.

Don’t let them do that then? Why aren’t they sitting down to eat?

Get laminate, much easier to maintain?
Make the kids sit at table ( one year old is in a high chair anyway?)
Do more outdoor activities?
Eat outside ( weather permitting)
Go back to work and hire a cleaner?

You have options OP, but your DP seems pretty hands on to me.

This will not get better. You will
bear the burden of the drudge work as long as you are with him. You need to figure out whether your family will be happy with the situation of being together and you doing all
rhe drudge work, or being apart, and you doing the drudge work but not for your DH.

FFS they can eat their messy snacks twice a day sat at a bloody table! You know, like all well parented children.

No child needs to eat anything like 20 times a day - absolutely ridiculous.

You are the author of this mess and its not your DH's fault at all - it's yours. Get a grip and be a better parent. You want them to be invited to parties don't you? Not left out of invites because they create such an unholy mess with food ?

But also: 20 snacks a day: crikey! Are you all the size of houses?

It’s not about refusing foods, but if you can make adjustments to make your life easier , why not at least try? Even better, if you can afford it at any time, swap the carpet for wood flooring.

In the same vein, some of the jobs you mention, don’t get done often (if at all )in our house, so I can kind of see where your partner is coming from. However can you delegate other chores … laundry, dishes, food shop (or at least top ups) etc. that are just part of being a normal functional adult running a home? That would free some of your time to do other things to your standard.

20 snacks a day was clearly an exaggeration. Try them with fruit or babybels or cut up veg much less messy up the table though. I would definitely consider night weaning your one year old.
If Dh is doing school runs then you only have a one year old to contend with. Should be doable.

Outsource the diy jobs, mention it to him on the day. A bloke who can do shit will come round and do shit and the reaction of your husband will be the thing to watch.

If comfort and connection aren’t real needs at this age, maybe parenting’s not for you.

This isn't really a criticism because you're doing it for lovely reasons, but you're sacrificing your sleep at night so your baby can wake up repeatedly, and you're sacrificing your marbles in the day so your kids can eat what they want, when they want, where they want. And then you're driving yourself potty cleaning up while being overtired. Your DH could probably pull more weight but a lot of the problems you're having would be resolved or lightened with some action on your part. You don't have to drive yourself into the ground for the absolute comfort of your children. It's self-defeating anyway.

Providing comfort and connection doesn't mean sacrificing your own health, sanity and happiness.

20 times a day? That is nuts:
Breakfast, elevenses, lunch, afternoon snack, tea/supper. End of.
Don't be surprised if your children develop cavities with this routine of non stop snacks.
Crisps and croissants should be a special treat not a daily staple, they have no nutritional value.

It was an exaggeration and my 5 year old has been going to the dentist every year with no issues at all thanks!

Croissants and crisps are perfectly fine as part of a balanced diet. Don’t be that person, and this thread isn’t about diet.