Partner doesn’t care about cleanliness of house

[Isthishowitis]

… and says I’m over the top!

I am a SAHM to 2 kids, age 5 & 1. He has his own business and works full time.

He bathes the kids, and gets up with them in the morning as youngest still sleeps with me and is up 2/3 times a night feeding. He’ll sort their breakfast, iron school clothes and do school run.

But that is where it ends. We have been in this home for 3 years and he’s not once cleaned the bathroom or fridge. We have had a bathroom leak which has discoloured the carpet on the landing and our kids bedroom, and he is completely unbothered. Says I’m being over the top hassling people to get it sorted. Took no steps to fix anything.

Theres a huge ugly box of concrete on the kitchen wall where the boiler was removed, and I’ve suggested a few things to fix and he’s done nothing. Today, whilst arguing about things again, he said there’s more important things to do like play with the kids! And I often hear this from him. “I couldn’t do x because I had the baby!” Well how the hell do I do anything during the week!?

Bills, food shops, meal planning, kids health appts, general appts, day outs, holidays, washing, cleaning, all on me.

Yesterday I got all my kids soft toys out of their rooms as I want to wash them all and he’s basically said I’m nuts and have a problem. They haven’t ever been washed and they’ve been in there collecting dust for 2 years ffs.

His job is the cat litter but he leaves it for ages until it STINKS, then eventually after I ask him he does it. He only ever does things when I ask him apart from the dishes every other day or so.

Anywqy whenever I give examples he basically laughs in my face and sneers, inferring I’m being irrational and these things don’t matter. It drives me insane. I hoover once or twice a day as well as we have carpet and the kids get crumbs everywhere, he also claims this is nuts and I hoovered “yesterday” and we could be doing better things with our time. Sorry, but I can’t sit down and relax at the end of the day with visible food crumbs all over the floor. So needless to say he never hoovers unless I ask him to, he’ll do it if I ask and sometimes he’ll whinge about it, say I’m too much, and then do it.

Obviously he works outside of the house so I’m happy to do most things at the house but ie he blind!?

I got up yesterday after another night of broken sleep (haven’t slept through the night in 2 years now!) and he’s already downstairs with our 2 kids, but there’s books all over the kids bedroom floor, shampoo and deodorant bottles on the bathroom floor that the kids have knocked over, bits of toilet paper, and he’s just bloody left them there! For who? If it’s not him, it’s me! And it’s always like that. He laughed when I brought it up saying he “didn’t notice.”

Is this just standard??

Get a robot hoover. Set it to go off twice a day - once after the school run, and once after dinner.

Your standards are too high (hoovering twice a day is too much) and his are too low (not cleaning toilet paper up from the floor is gross). Sit down with him, own that you may have been a bit unrealistic and ask him what the middle looks like (him tidying up after himself, doing the washing up if you cook etc).

Oh. Then YABU. Letting the kids run wild and create a disproportionate amount of mess is making this more of an issue than it needs to be. Time to give them some basic house training. Food and snacks at the table, use a plate, etc. The older one can start learning to clean up their mess or pick up things they’ve dropped. If you teach them to be as messy and careless as your husband is then you’ll really be kicking yourself in a few years.

As for him, it will probably be easier to tackle it when you are working again.

He’s not up 2/3 times a night - I am! 🤣

Why are your children wandering around the house spilling crumbs everywhere? Can't they eat in the kitchen?

Thanks all. Definitely food for thought. I was sure I was right and he was being difficult - perhaps not.

😲

Have you always had quite different cleanliness standards or has having kids made you want a cleaner house? Kids generally mean mess and having to relax your standards. Also, why are there crumbs everywhere in the house? Surely the children are sat down eating in one place?

So get a part-time job and work evenings and weekends.

You're incredibly vulnerable in your current set-up. If he ended your relationship tomorrow, what would you be left with?

Nobody cares about skirting boards, OP. Your partner does a reasonable amount and it sounds like you are a bit too hung up on cleaning.
Also, why are you still sleeping with a one year old? Sort that out, get yourself a proper night's sleep and relax - you will feel much better and so this stuff won't bother you as much.
And it's OK to lower your standards - your kids want happy parents, not an immaculate house.

So get a job! Your kids will be fine in childcare - it's good for them.
Then you can also hire a cleaner.

Teach them that they can only eat when they are sitting at the table - just like all of us had to learn. I must be missing something, because this all seems so obvious. I never ate "on the move" in my entire childhood.

OP it sounds pretty good to me if your DH is up first every day with the kids, sorting the morning stuff & working full time. You are a SAHM so IMO the rest should be for you to do. He’s out full time working, not for leisure, as you are at home full time working.
In 6 years I have almost always worked part time and been the one up first getting DC ready& breakfast & tbh the majority of childcare / admin inc schools run, weekdays and weekends (as he also works some of these), due to mine and DH different working hours and patterns.
But I will add that he’s good at DIY and getting jobs done and does do chores in the limited time he’s home on an average day - I do have to be persistent sometimes but think that’s standard tbh. We also have quality family time doing stuff together at weekends when he’s not working & the house isn’t immaculate but that can be done another day. It’s about priorities.
We also outsource some cleaning (at my DH instigation) so it’s not all left to me on my days off.
I believe it will get easier for you once both your kids are a bit older and both at school during the week.

1. I think he's doing his fair share.

1. Get rid of carpets and replace with laminate or hard wood or even bare sanded floorboards - much easier to keep clean or

1. Food only eaten at table.

The root of the issue is that you are not happy being a SAHM, but don't want to put DC in nursery yet.
You are conflicted.

So the internal conflict you feel is getting projected onto DH, because he is there in front of you and an emotional target, and he is not perfect and has lower standards than you.
When he leaves some clutter and mess, you feel personally abused and insulted because in your eyes "he has just left it for me like I am a maid", whereas in his eyes, well, it is just not in his eyes or brain or anywhere on his radar.

Set a firm date in mind for your return to work - when DC is two perhaps, or two and a half? Then work towards that goal, with a calendar and a plan, using the time to get DIY projects done (you do it yourself), get any work-refresher stuff sorted, get your self back to full fitness and in shape, and of course try and enjoy your little ones.
You only get this precious time once in your life.

Try to separate out your feelings about yourself/your life from your feelings about DH and his messiness.

I think the bigger issue here is you are a SAHM, but not married, tbh.

You are blessed you don't have to work and you get to sleep in every morning

I’m still wondering why you are allowing your kids to wander around while eating and making a mess. Surely the answer is to contain them to the kitchen and table with food.

Then you could cut the amount of times you hoover and use that time to get the baseboards that you’re worried about 🤷‍♀️

On the wider topic you are both right. You are right that things need to be stayed on top of or it will get out of control, the litter box as an example.

He’s right that certain things don’t matter as much as others. Such as the concrete thing you were describing in your kitchen. At the end of the day does it really matter more than spending time with your kids?

If I’m honest you sound a bit like my mum… she was not cut out to be a stay at home mum. She always laughed about the time she was scrubbing the top of the hot water heater in the basement (if you’re not familiar just imagine some place that nobody would dream of looking and is completely irrelevant to daily life) she realized then she needed to get back to work and get more stimulation in her life.

There needs to be a compromise between your level and his.

in my view, daily hoovering and washing cuddly toys is OTT. But we only eat at the table and so only need to hoover twice a week. And I’d only wash cuddly toys if they got actual dirt / food etc on them.

He sounds like he’s pulling his weight with the kids when he’s not at work but that he could do a little more around the house.

but you could also ease off a bit and you may feel less resentful as you won’t be doing as much.

I’d rather play with the kids than clean the skirting boards any day. I was a sahm when mine were little, the house was my “job” , my husband brought in the money and did plenty more besides. I saw it as a choice, so I could do some cleaning or play with the kids, generally I played with the kids and did what cleaning I could. The time goes so quickly, I kind of miss those days !

Why are you letting this happen, you’re just teaching them it’s ok to make a mess. Get them to sit down while they’re eating and clean up straight away. Are you waiting for him to get in from work to clean up? It’s much better he is involved with his children than cleaning the mess from a days play when you’ve been home with them.

Make your children sit down to eat. That solves one problem.

I have 3 children. I have never ever once washed their soft toys.

She's really not - she's not married and has no protection in the event of a separation. She's vulnerable - very vulnerable.

I’m up all night! And it’s not a sleep in, I’m still up at 7.

You'd also be working for financial independence. Who said you'd pay for all the childcare expenses? Surely that's a shared expense. Otherwise, you have bigger issues with his attitude to money.