Partner doesn’t care about cleanliness of house

[Isthishowitis]

… and says I’m over the top!

I am a SAHM to 2 kids, age 5 & 1. He has his own business and works full time.

He bathes the kids, and gets up with them in the morning as youngest still sleeps with me and is up 2/3 times a night feeding. He’ll sort their breakfast, iron school clothes and do school run.

But that is where it ends. We have been in this home for 3 years and he’s not once cleaned the bathroom or fridge. We have had a bathroom leak which has discoloured the carpet on the landing and our kids bedroom, and he is completely unbothered. Says I’m being over the top hassling people to get it sorted. Took no steps to fix anything.

Theres a huge ugly box of concrete on the kitchen wall where the boiler was removed, and I’ve suggested a few things to fix and he’s done nothing. Today, whilst arguing about things again, he said there’s more important things to do like play with the kids! And I often hear this from him. “I couldn’t do x because I had the baby!” Well how the hell do I do anything during the week!?

Bills, food shops, meal planning, kids health appts, general appts, day outs, holidays, washing, cleaning, all on me.

Yesterday I got all my kids soft toys out of their rooms as I want to wash them all and he’s basically said I’m nuts and have a problem. They haven’t ever been washed and they’ve been in there collecting dust for 2 years ffs.

His job is the cat litter but he leaves it for ages until it STINKS, then eventually after I ask him he does it. He only ever does things when I ask him apart from the dishes every other day or so.

Anywqy whenever I give examples he basically laughs in my face and sneers, inferring I’m being irrational and these things don’t matter. It drives me insane. I hoover once or twice a day as well as we have carpet and the kids get crumbs everywhere, he also claims this is nuts and I hoovered “yesterday” and we could be doing better things with our time. Sorry, but I can’t sit down and relax at the end of the day with visible food crumbs all over the floor. So needless to say he never hoovers unless I ask him to, he’ll do it if I ask and sometimes he’ll whinge about it, say I’m too much, and then do it.

Obviously he works outside of the house so I’m happy to do most things at the house but ie he blind!?

I got up yesterday after another night of broken sleep (haven’t slept through the night in 2 years now!) and he’s already downstairs with our 2 kids, but there’s books all over the kids bedroom floor, shampoo and deodorant bottles on the bathroom floor that the kids have knocked over, bits of toilet paper, and he’s just bloody left them there! For who? If it’s not him, it’s me! And it’s always like that. He laughed when I brought it up saying he “didn’t notice.”

Is this just standard??

It's never a good idea to be dependent on a boyfriend, can you prioritise getting a job and financial security?
Are you at least on the deeds of the house?

So why do it then?

get a job, and use your income to pay for cleaning and anything else you need.

sahm is not compulsory.

To an extent, I think he has a point. While you don't want to live in a filthy house, your kids will only be kids for a relatively short period of your life. On your deathbed are you going to want to lie there thinking "I'm so glad I spent so much time making sure the skirting boards were sparkling" or are you going to be glad you played with your kids when they were little?

It's entirely normal for people with kids to have carpets with crumbs on them, or dusty shelves or slightly grubby toys. You do not need to vacuum every day. I would say keeping completely on top of the cleaning is unusual for parents. It does sound a little like you're trying to find things around the house to get wound up about.

Wait, what? Why do you let them do that though? We have a "sit down to eat" rule. Walking around and eating is absolutely not allowed in our house and the kids are generally compliant. They still make tons of mess of course but it's a bit more confined. Also easier to quickly spot brush up/mini hoover around the dining table if there's a significant mess than if it's trodden all around.

We also chose to have laminate flooring rather than carpet as I find it easier to keep clean.

Not a good idea to be completely financially dependent on a man - especially as you’re not married. Honestly I would apply for a job and a nursery place. Get a cleaner and some home maintenance done with your extra cash and get yourself out of obsessing about the house.

It also sound like he’s doing his share. Working, spending his time off with the kids.

a sahm role is to take care of the kids and home. So it is your job to do the bulk of the housework.

if you aren’t married you’re stuffed financially btw. Unless he earns enough to be investing and paying pension contributions for you. Do you own a share of the house?

personally I could not do what you do. Which is why I stayed working. Dh would rather pay for a cleaner than do his share to free up time for the kids/his own hobbies so that’s what he does.

So go back to work and use childcare. You don't need to spend your life doing shit that doesn't make you happy.

I agree. There is more to life than housework.

Get onto a cleaning agency for a one off spring clean every so often, that will do.

How much mess can one small child create during the day?? Maybe stop letting the kids run about with food (that's not good for them anyway), and there's less mess to hoover up straightaway. Give your toddler a cloth and let him "clean" with you while you do the skirting.

It is annoying when you are doing the lions share but you do sound a little OTT.

You can have your standards but you can’t expect him to the share them- such as hoovering 2x per day and cleaning skirting. That is excessive.

You also need to be proactive regards to replacing the carpets.

do you access to money? What does he do at weekend? Does he do any regular jobs?

I work 4 days and
I do: laundry, daily tidying, weekly cleaning (bathrooms / moping skirting / windows / bed changes etc) all other cleaning tasks. Some of the garden (planting and boarders). Daily rubbish runs to the bin.

He does - food shop and evening meal cooking, dog walk. Lawns and hedges. Puts out bins each week

He will point blank refuse to do any dirty jobs such as dog sick or poo. Of something needs fixing her won’t do it until I nags and nag and nag and it’s infuriating as I would just pay someone to do it!

To be fair, OP is not unreasonable to wanting a clean house. A lot of MNers are not known for their hygiene standards, so will jump on OPs perfectly reasonable standards to make themselves feel better.

The issue is that OP is not financially independent and therefore not able to live by her chosen standards

This.

Sorry but hoovering TWICE a day ! What on earth for?

Given the options of either taking the dcs down for breakfast or fussing over a fallen over shampoo bottles and some books, I'd do the same.

Why can't you paint the kitchen wall. It's not difficult. I'm a full time working single mum and I have decorated our entire house since I moved in with my 3yo.

He works full time, pays all the bills, seems to do plenty with his dcs. I don't see the issue. You are living in a family house with two little ones, not a show home.

If you want a perfect house, go back to work and send the little one to nursery.
Then you can pay a cleaner to polish your house, and it will be perfect when you get home - because there's no-one in it.

Christ alive these answers!

He's treating you like a servant - and did people miss the "he laughs in my face and sneers"?!

Arsehole. YANBU.

That's the issue. Being an unmarried SAHM is absolutely nuts, you'll get nothing other than CMS if he leaves. When are you going back to work? Why on earth did you stop?

Because I’m not up for putting my 1 year old in nursery yet, especially when I would just be working to cover the fees basically!

Why would you let your children run around with food all day?!

So get a part time job, he goes part time. You both do equal housework and your child doesn’t need to be nursery.

you both contribute to nursery fees btw. Your wages would cover half the cost. Why assume it’s only you responsible for them?

also have you factored in loss of pension and further earnings in your “my wage doesn’t cover childcare” calculations?

or what happens if/when you split and you’re earning potential is affected while he carries on?

I know but how hard would it be for him to just pick them up when they got knocked down?

This was our setup beforehand, but he wanted to go back to the business full time.

I think it sounds like you're doing it a bit too much and he's not doing it quite enough. So to meet in the middle would be helpful.

It's clear you rely on a very clean and tidy home in order to feel comfortable. Some people can overlook dust and crumbs and things and still manage to feel at ease. Neither of you is wrong.

But maybe try and do a schedule for bins, dishwasher, bathroom, laundry etc and spilt it between you. It's fair you should do a bit more if he works ft and you don't. But at least if it's on a chart or something? Then once the kids are old enough you can both teach them to do some of the tasks and they can be added to the chore chart.

Also, could you afford a cleaner, paid for with some of his wages? To take the pressure off just generally.

Unfortunately as with many things in life it’s about accepting people for who they are, which is difficult. Not everyone has our standards of housework and not everyone prioritises the way we do. What’s important to us won’t always be important to others. Sometimes it’s a lot less stressful to just accept thats just who they are rather than expecting people to change.

I don’t want to add to your workload OP but food squashed into carpets is going to need more than a hoover.

He "bathes the kids, and gets up with them in the morning as youngest still sleeps with me and is up 2/3 times a night feeding. He’ll sort their breakfast, iron school clothes and do school run." ... of, and goes out to work!

Nothing to grumble about there! He is pulling his weight for sure.

Different people have different standards of cleanliness. He is doing so much already and wants to prioritise time with the children when he is home rather than tasks that he does not see the need for. He is doing those he does see the need for.

He gets up with the kids 2/3 times a night, does bath time, sorts out breakfast, irons school clothes, does school run and then goes to work. Sounds like at home time he is with the baby too so isn’t able to focus on the other kids simultaneously (even if you’ve figured out how to do it) and he gets up early with them at weekends. Your job is to run the admin of the house and the kids. Honestly, it seems like a pretty fair division of labour.

I hear your point about not being able to relax in a messy house. I’m like that too but that’s the way I like it and lots of people are not bothered by crumbs and clutter - that’s ok too. It’s not reasonable to expect others to have the same tidiness standards - I know that sucks but it’s true.

Honestly he sounds like he’s doing what he can and if you’re struggling to keep on top of things, can you outsource in people or tech to help - get a robot hoover or a once a month cleaner? And forget about the soft toys - tell yourself they’re ’self cleaning’. 😂
If the food chunks and crumbs are annoying you, set a ‘food at the table only’ rule. It at least keeps the food piles all in one spot.

Unless there’s a big drip feed coming, this sounds like a normal division of labour to me.

I think a 5 year old can sit up the table to eat. So that will cut down on hoovering. Also the five year old is due to start school soon if not already there, so that will make life easier with just one at home all day.
I wonder if this is about housework though? I wouldn’t want to go behind an adult tidying up. I bet if you were to get up with the kids the bedrooms and bathroom wouldn’t be untidy.
Like you say what does he think is going to happen to those books or that shower gel?
Sounds like you feel taken advantage of and unappreciated.